Are you an April Fool???

Unlike most of the other non-foolish holidays, the history of April Fool's Day, sometimes called All Fool's Day, is not totally clear.  There really wasn't a "first April Fool's Day" that can be pinpointed on the calendar.  Some believe it sort of evolved simultaneously in several cultures at the same time, from celebrations involving from the first day of spring.  The closest point in time that can be identified as the beginning of this tradition was in 1582, in France.  Prior to that year, the new year was celebrated for eight days, beginning on  arch 25.  The celebration culminated on April 1.  With the reform of the calendar under Charles IX, the Gregorian Calendar was introduced, and New Year's Day was moved to January 1.  However, communications being what they were in the days when news traveled by foot, many people did not receive the news for several years.  Others, the more obstinate crowd, refused to accept the new calendar and continued to celebrate the new year on April 1.  These backward folk were labeled as "fools" by the general populace.  They were subject to some ridicule, and were often sent on "fools errands" or were made the butt of other practical jokes.  This harassment evolved, over time, into a tradition of prank-playing on the first day of April. The tradition eventually spread to England and Scotland in the eighteenth century. It was later introduced to the American colonies of both the English and French. April Fool's Day thus developed into an international fun fest, so to speak, with different nationalities specializing in their own brand of humor at the expense of their friends and families.  Practical jokes are a common practice on April Fool's Day. Sometimes, elaborate jokes are played on friends or relatives that last the entire day.

****By the way your shoe is untied................**April Fool!!!!

GWB resume

EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE

LAW ENFORCEMENT:

* I was arrested in Kennebunkport, Maine, in 1976
for driving under the
influence of alcohol. I pled guilty, paid a
fine, and had my driver's license
suspended for 30 days.

* My Texas driving record has been "lost" and is
not available.

MILITARY:

* I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went
AWOL.

* I refused to take a drug test or answer any
questions about my drug use.

* By joining the Texas Air National Guard, I was
able to avoid combat duty in
Vietnam.

COLLEGE:

* I graduated from Yale University with a low C
average.

* I was a cheerleader.

PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:

* I ran for U.S. Congress and lost.

* I began my career in the oil business in
Midland, Texas, in 1975.

* I bought an oil company, but couldn't find any
oil in Texas. The company
went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock.

* I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a
sweetheart deal that took land
using taxpayer money.

* With the help of my father and our right-wing
friends in the oil industry
(including Enron CEO Ken Lay), I was elected
governor of Texas.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS GOVERNOR OF TEXAS:

* I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power
and oil companies, making Texas
the most polluted state in the Union.

* During my tenure, Houston replaced Los Angeles
as the most smog-ridden city in
America.

* I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas treasury
to the tune of billions in
borrowed money.

* I set the record for the most executions by any
governor in American history.

* With the help of my brother, the governor of
Florida, and my father's
appointments to the Supreme Court, I became
President after losing by over
500,000 votes.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT:

* I am the first President in U.S. history to
enter office with a criminal
record.

* I invaded and occupied two countries at a
continuing cost of over one billion
dollars per week.

* I spent the U.S. surplus and effectively
bankrupted the U.S. Treasury.

* I shattered the record for the largest annual
deficit in U.S. history.

* I set an economic record for most private
bankruptcies filed in any 12-month
period.

* I set the all-time record for most foreclosures
in a 12-month period.

* I set the all-time record for the biggest drop
in the history of the U.S.
stock market.

* In my first year in office, over 2 million
Americans lost their jobs and that
trend continues every month.

* I'm proud that the members of my cabinet are
the richest of any administration
in U.S. history.

* My "poorest millionaire," Condoleeza Rice, has
a Chevron oil tanker named
after her.

* I set the record for most campaign fund-raising
trips by a U.S. President.

* I am the all-time U.S. and world record-holder
for receiving the most
corporate campaign donations.

* My largest lifetime campaign contributor, and
one of my best friends, Kenneth
Lay, presided over the largest corporate
bankruptcy fraud in U.S. history,
Enron.

* My political party used Enron private jets and
corporate attorneys to assure
my success with the U.S. Supreme Court during my
election decision.

* I have protected my friends at Enron and
Halliburton against investigation or
prosecution. More time and money was spent
investigating the Monica Lewinsky
affair than has been spent investigating one of
the biggest corporate rip-offs
in history.

* I presided over the biggest energy crisis in
U.S. history and refused to
intervene when corruption involving the oil
industry was revealed.

* I presided over the highest gasoline prices in
U.S. history.

* I changed the U.S. policy to allow convicted
criminals to be awarded
government contracts.

* I appointed more convicted criminals to
administration than any President in
U.S. history.

* I created the Ministry of Homeland Security,
the largest bureaucracy in the
history of the United States government.

* I've broken more international treaties than
any President in U.S. history.

* I am the first President in U.S. history to
have the United Nations remove the
U.S. from the Human Rights Commission.

* I withdrew the U.S. from the World Court of Law.

* I refused to allow inspectors access to
U.S. "prisoners of war" detainees and
thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva
Convention.

* I am the first President in history to refuse
United Nations election
inspectors (during the 2002 U.S. election).

* I set the record for the fewest number of press
conferences of any President
since the advent of television.

* I set the all-time record for most days on
vacation in any one-year period.

* After taking off the entire month of August, I
presided over the worst
security failure in U.S. history.

* I garnered the most sympathy for the U.S. after
the World Trade Center attacks
and less than a year later made the U.S. the most
hated country in the world,
the largest failure of diplomacy in world history.

* I have set the all-time record for most people
worldwide to simultaneously
protest me in public venues (15 million people),
shattering the record for
protest against any person in the history of
mankind.

* I am the first President in U.S. history to
order an unprovoked, pre-emptive
attack and the military occupation of a sovereign
nation.

* I did so against the will of the United
Nations, the majority of U.S.
citizens, and the world community.

* I have cut health care benefits for war
veterans and support a cut in duty
benefits for active duty troops and their
families -- in war time.

* In my State of the Union Address, I lied about
our reasons for attacking Iraq,
then blamed the lies on our British friends.

* I am the first President in history to have a
majority of Europeans (71%) view
my presidency as the biggest threat to world
peace and security.

* I am supporting development of a
nuclear "Tactical Bunker Buster," a WMD.

RECORDS AND REFERENCES:

* All records of my tenure as governor of Texas
are now in my father's library,
sealed and unavailable for public view.

* All records of SEC investigations into my
insider trading and my bankrupt
companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable
for public view.

* All records or minutes from meetings that I, or
my Vice-President attended
regarding public energy policy are sealed in
secrecy and unavailable for public
review.

LOOK! A BLONDE GUY JOKE!!!

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.  They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage!  If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again!  If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The Blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again!  If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.  The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.  The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.  At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.  She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas!  I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.  The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me.  He makes his own lunch."

Don't forget to set your clocks "forward" one hour before you go to bed this Saturday, April 1st

Don't forget to set your clocks "forward" one hour before you go to bed this Saturday, April 1st!!--not an April fool's joke that history lesson comes later :)

Daylight Saving (no "S") Time has been used in the United States and many European countries since World War One. In an effort to conserve fuel, Germany and Austria began setting clocks ahead one hour during the spring months through the fall. This 1916 action was immediately copied by 14 other European countries, including Britain. The following year, Australia, Newfoundland, and Nova Scotia followed suite. The plan was not adopted by the U.S. until 1918 but proved to be so unpopular that it was repealed by President Wilson in 1919. DST became a local option and was continued in many states and cities. During World War Two, President Roosevelt instituted year-round Daylight Saving Time, called "War Time". After the War, and until 1966, there was no federal law about DST. States and localities were free to chose whether to observe DST and could chose when it began and ended. This, however, lead to mass confusion for the broadcasting industry, railways, airlines, and bus companies. One example: On one 35 mile stretch of highway between Moundsville, West Virginia and Steubenville, Ohio, passengers would pass through seven time changes. On April 12, 1966, President Johnson signed into law the Uniform Time Act. This act established a system of uniform DST throughout the U.S., exempting only those states in which the legislatures voted to keep their state (or a portion of their state) on Standard Time. In 1986 Ronald Reagan, made a small change to the current system where Day Light Saving Time takes place on the First Sunday in April (prior to Reagan it was the last Sunday) to the Last Sunday in Oct. Daylight Saving Time is NOT observed in Hawaii, the Eastern Time Zone of Indiana or Arizona (with the exception of the Navajo Indian Reservation).

So remember "Spring" Forward---"Fall" Back :)

9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1.)  People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.  I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours?  Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?!

2 )  People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV. remote because they refuse to walk to the TV. and change the channel manually.

3.)  When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too."  Damn right!  What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4.)  When people say "It's always the last place you look."  Of course it is!  Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it?  Do people do this?  Who and where are they?  Gonna Kick their asses!

5.)  When people say while watching a film, "Did you see that?"  No loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor!!

6.)  People who ask, "Can I ask you a question?"  Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7.)  When something is 'new and improved!'  Which is it?  If it's new, then there has never been anything before it.  If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8.)  When people say, "Life is short."  What the hell??  Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!!  What can you do that's longer?!

9.)  When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?"  If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

Items to guilt your children into doing things you want them to do...

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning ...uphill BOTH ways... yadda, yadda, yadda.  And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, and closing dangerously on the precipice of forty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.  You've got it so easy!  I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!

And I hate to say it but you kids today don't know how good you've got it!  I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet!  If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

There was no email!  We had to actually write somebody a letter... with a pen!  Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3's or Napsters!  You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!  Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and screw it all up!

And talk of about hardship?  You couldn't just download porn!  You had to steal it from your brother or bribe some homeless dude to buy you a copy of "Hustler" at the 7-11!  Those were your options!

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting!  If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either!  When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was!  It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!!  You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics!  We had the Atari 2600!  With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids", and the graphics sucked ass!  Your guy was a little square!  You actually had to use your imagination!  And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever!  And you could never win.  The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died!  Just like LIFE!

When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating!  All the seats were the same height!  If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed!

Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no on screen menu and no remote control!  You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on!

You were screwed when it came to channel surfing!  You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either!  You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning.  Do you hear what I'm saying!?!  We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!

And we didn't have microwaves!  If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove or go build a frigging fire - imagine that!  If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid JiffyPop thing and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot.

That's exactly what I'm talking about!  You kids today have got it too easy - you're spoiled - you guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1970's or 1980's!

THOUGHTS FOR THE WEEKEND

1. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing.  If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

2. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
3. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
4. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
5. My husband says I never listen to him.  At least I think that's what he said.
6. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
7. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
8. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
But Most Of All, Remember!
A Friend Is Like A Good Bra.  Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart.

GROWING OLD IS WHEN...

1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER

1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

Aaah, dysfunctional relationships...

My wife left me and I don't understand.  My wife told me we had to cut back on expenses somewhere and I had to give up drinking beer.  I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends.  Anyway, I gave it up, but I noticed the other day when she came home from grocery shopping, the receipt included $45 for makeup.  I said, "Wait a minute, I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"

She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."
I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"
I don't think she'll be back.

Information Please

Not that its important, but my name is Wayne.  I was brought up in a small town in the Pacific Northwest.  When I was quite young, my father had one of the first telephones in our neighborhood.  I remember the polished, old case fastened to the wall.  The shiny receiver hung on the side of the box.  I was too little to reach the telephone, but used to listen with fascination when my mother talked to it.

Then I discovered that somewhere inside the wonderful device lived an amazing person.  Her name was "Information Please" and there was nothing she did not know.  Information Please could supply anyone's number and the correct time.

My personal experience with the genie-in-a-bottle came one day while my mother was visiting a neighbor.  Amusing myself at the tool bench in the basement, I whacked my finger with a hammer, the pain was terrible, but there seemed no point in crying because there was no one home to give sympathy.  I walked around the house sucking my throbbing finger, finally arriving at the stairway.  The telephone!  Quickly, I ran for the footstool in the parlor and dragged it to the landing.  Climbing up, I unhooked the receiver in the parlor and held it to my ear.  "Information, please," I said into the mouthpiece just above my head.

A click or two and a small clear voice spoke into my ear, "Information."
"I hurt my finger..." I wailed into the phone, the tears came readily enough now that I had an audience.
"Isn't your mother home?" came the question.
"Nobody's home but me," I blubbered.
"Are you bleeding?" the voice asked.
"No," I replied. "I hit my finger with a hammer and it hurts."
"What is your name, young man?"
"Wayne," I replied.
"Can you open the icebox, Wayne?" she asked.  I said I could.  "Then chip off a little bit of ice and hold it to your finger."

After that, I called "Information Please" for everything. I asked her for help with my geography, and she told me where Philadelphia was.  She helped me with my math.  She told me my pet chipmunk that I had caught in the park just the day before, would eat fruit and nuts. 

Then, there was the time Petey, our pet canary, died.  I called, Information Please, and told her the sad story.  She listened, and then said things grown-ups say to soothe a child.  But I was not consoled.  I asked her, "Why is it that birds should sing so beautifully and bring joy to all families, only to end up as a heap of feathers on the bottom of a cage?"

She must have sensed my deep concern, for she said quietly, "Wayne, always remember that there are other worlds to sing in."  Somehow I felt better.

Another day I was on the telephone, "Information Please." 
"Information," said in the now familiar voice.
"How do I spell fix?" I asked.
When I was nine years old, we moved across the country to Boston.  I missed my friend very much.  "Information Please" belonged in that old wooden box back home and I somehow never thought of trying the shiny new phone that sat on the table in the hall.  As I grew into my teens, the memories of those childhood conversations never really left me. 

Often, in moments of doubt and perplexity I would recall the serene sense of security I had then.  I appreciated now how patient, understanding, and kind she was to have spent her time on a little boy.

A few years later, on my way west to college, my plane put down in Seattle.  I had about a half-hour or so between planes.  I spent 15 minutes or so on the phone with my sister, who lived there now.  Then without thinking what I was doing, I dialed my hometown operator and said, "Information Please."

Miraculously, I heard the small, clear voice I knew so well, "Information."
I hadn't planned this, but I heard myself saying, "Could you please tell me how to spell fix?"
There was a long pause.  Then came the soft spoken answer, "I guess your finger must have healed by now."
I laughed, "So it's really you,"  I said.  "I wonder if you have any idea how much you meant to me during that time?"
"I wonder," she said, "if you know how much your call meant to me.  I never had any children and I used to look forward to your calls."

I told her how often I had thought of her over the years and I asked if I could call her again when I came back to visit my sister.  "Please do", she said. "Just ask for Sally."

Three months later I was back in Seattle. A different voice answered, "Information."
"Is Sally there, I asked.
"Are you a friend?" she said.
"Yes, a very old friend," I answered.  "Tell her its Wayne."
"I'm sorry to have to tell you this," she said. "Sally had been working part-time the last few years because she was sick.  She died five weeks ago."

Before I could hang up she said, "Wait a minute, did you say your name was Wayne?"
"Yes." I answered.
"Well, Sally left a message for you.  She wrote it down in case you called.  Let me read it to you.  Please hold while I find it."  After a shuffle of papers, the lady came back on the line.  "The note said, 'Tell him there are other worlds to sing in. He'll know what I mean.'"

I thanked her and hung up.  I knew what Sally meant.

Never underestimate the impression you may make on others.  Remember that life is a journey ... NOT a guided tour.

Flying Spaghetti Monster being published - Pastafarians, here comes THE BOOK!!! :-D

Flying Spaghetti Monster being published
From United Press International
March 27, 2006 2:42 PM EST
PHOENIX, Mar 27, 2006 (UPI via COMTEX) -- Pastafarianism is hitting the big time with a book on the Flying Spaghetti Monster ready to take its place in U.S. bookstores next to the Bible.

Bobby Henderson, who recently moved from Oregon to Arizona, created the Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster last year during the height of arguments before the Kansas Board of Education over whether intelligent design should be taught as an alternative theory to evolution in schools.

The gospel includes the explanation that the Flying Spaghetti Monster made a few mistakes during the creation of the universe because he imbibed a bit much from heaven's beer volcano. And instead of amen, adherents say r'amen -- after the noodle dish.

"I wrote the letter (to the Kansas school board) for my own amusement as much as anything. And it totally snowballed. Some people say I'm going to hell," he told USA Today.

The gospels come out Tuesday in paperback.

Talk to the Wall

In Jerusalem, a female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time.  So she went to check it out and there he was walking slowly up to the holy site. 

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane in a very slow fashion, she approached him for an interview.

"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years!  That's amazing!  What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.  I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."

"And how do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a fuckin' wall!”   

Born and die backwards

The unfair thing about life is the way it ends.  I mean life is tough.  It takes up a lot of your time and what do you get in the end of it?  A death.  What's that, a bonus?  I think the life cycle is all backwards.  You should die first, you know, start out dead; get it out of the way.

You wake up in an old age home, feeling better every day.  You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.  You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.  You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous (hey, you've only got a few years left, what's the big deal?!?) and you get ready for High School.

You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, then, you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on tap, larger quarters every day, and then you finish off as an orgasm…

Irish ego?

After digging to a depth of 100 meters last year, Russian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago.

So, not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200 meters and headlines in the US papers read: "US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibers, and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians."

One week later, a Dublin newspaper reported the following: "After digging as deep as 5000 meters, Irish scientists have found absolutely nothing.  They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using wireless technology.”

What was that again?

When asked by a woman in the audience months ago to explain the Medicare Drug Bill, President Bush said, (these are verbatim responses) "...because the -- all which is on the table begins to address the big cost drivers.  For example, how benefits are calculated, for example, is on the table.  Whether or not benefits rise based upon wage increases or price increases."

        “There's a series of parts of the formula that are being considered.  And when you couple that, those different cost drivers, affecting those -- changing those with personal accounts, the idea is to get what has been promised more likely to be -- or closer delivered to that has been promised.  Does that make any sense to you?  It's kind of muddled."

        “Look, there's a series of things that cause the -- like, for example, benefits are calculated based upon the increase of wages, as opposed to the increase of prices.  Some have suggested that we calculate -- the benefits will rise based upon inflation, supposed to wage increases.  There is a reform that would help solve the red if that were put into effect.  In other words, how fast benefits grow, how fast the promised benefits grow, if those -- if that growth is affected, it will help on the red.”

This is guaranteed to hurt the feelings of at least one person - How Many Christians Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?

Charismatic:  Only 1 - Hands are already in the air.

Pentecostal:  10 - One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None - Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic: None - Candles only. (Of guaranteed origin of course.)

Baptists: At least 15 - One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.

Episcopalians: 3 - One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks, and one to talk about how much better the old one was.

Mormons: 5 - One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it. 

Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb.  However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Methodists: Undetermined - Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved.  You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb.  Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass.

Nazarene: 6 - One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

Lutherans: None - Lutherans don't believe in change.

Amish: What’s a light bulb?

High School Survey

High school Survey..
Fill out and send back with your answers or your head will explode.
1) where did you graduate from and what year?    Joplin Memorial High School, class of 1985
2) did you have school pride?   Kinda, Sorta, well, yes.
3) was your prom a night to remember?   Didnt go. 
4) do you own all 4 yearbooks?  Yep
5) what was the worst trouble you ever got into? I was a good kid  - never got into any trouble to speak of
6) what kind of people did you hang out with?   Drama dept, band (freshman year), school newspaper (only 4 year staffer) 

7) what was your number 1 choice of college in HS?   University of Oklahoma, settled for Southwest MO State
8) what radio station did you jam out to in high school?  Z-103 FM KKUZ in Joplin, now KKAT-country (yick!) KY102 KYYS-FM in KC on a good night when you could pick it up, or KMOD in Tulsa...

9) were you involved in any organizations or clubs?   ITS (international Thespian Society - drama society), School Newspaper (only 4 year staffer), art club, science club, creative writing club 

10) what were your favorite classes in high school?   Journalism - we goofed off a lot and watched movies on one of the school VCR's most of the time.

11) who were your biggest crushes in high school?   A gentleman doesn't kiss and tell...
12) would you say you've changed a lot since high school?   much much fatter (unfortunately)
13) What do you miss most about high school?   learning, structure in my life, my grandmother and relatives that are no longer w/us

14) your worst memory of HS?   getting a swirly in Gym in my freshman year
15) Did you have a car?   Yes and no - well I could BORROW the car sometimes - didnt have one that was exclusively mine until I moved to StL in '87   

16.) what were your school colors?   royal blue and white.
17) who was your fav. teacher?   Mrs. Acker, english teacher, not only was she good, she was HOOTTTT!!!  I knew her son too...(grin!)

18.) did you own a cell phone in high school?   Celphones were the size of laptop computers back then and cost thousands, no...

19.) did you leave campus for lunch?   no, stuck with the slop they served us or the slop we brought from home - however, if you had a work-study job, you could, and some did.

20) if so, where was your favorite place to go eat?  McD's
21) were you late to class?   all the time, skirted disaster on the attendance policy all the time.
22) did you ever have to stay for saturday school?  detention, yes - we didnt have a "saturday school"
23) did you ever ditch?   actually no, but I faked being sick several times.
24) when it comes time for the reunion will you be there?  went to my 20 year last august.  
25.)  Do you wish you were still in high school?   sometimes yes, sometimes no...it depends on how nostalgic one can get.  However, in most cases, I would not want to repeat those experiences...

The miserly fool and his very smart wife...

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.  Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me.  I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."  And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. 

One day, he died.  He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.  When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"

She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket.  Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.  So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied," Listen, I'm a Christian - I can't go back on my word.  I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check.  If he can cash it, he can spend it."

A series of promises that speak of true friendship - spread these around if ya wanna

Are you tired of those sissy-ass "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship:

1.)  When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2.)  When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3.)  When you smile -- I will know you finally got some.
4.)  When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5.)  When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.
6.)  When you are confused -- I will use little words.
7.)  When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again.  I don't want whatever you have.
8.)  When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass because I thought you were dancing.

This is my oath and I pledge it to the end.  Why you may ask?  Because you are my friend!

Remember this:  A good friend will help you move - a REALLY good friend will help you move a body.  Let me know if you
ever need me to bring a shovel.

Friendship is like peeing your pants - everyone can see it, but only YOU can feel the true warmth.

News Flash!!! Bush Presidential Library Destroyed by Flood...

NEWS FLASH!!!!!!
BUSH PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY DESTROYED BY FLOOD
Crawford, Texas--
A tragic flood this morning destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush.  The flood began in the presidential bathroom where both of the books were kept. 

Both of his books have been lost. 
A presidential spokesman said the president was devastated, as he had almost finished coloring the second one. 
The White House tried to contact FEMA, but there was no answer.

Chili Cook-Off

Chili Cook-Off

If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you.  I was crying by the end.  Note: Please take time to read this slowly.  Hope it does the same for you!!!  If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.

For those of you who have lived in, visited Texas for any extended amount of time, or have family there, you know how true this is.  They actually have a Chili Cook-Off about the time Halloween comes around.  It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.  Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.  The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in.  I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
*****************************************************
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 - A little too heavy on the tomato.  Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor.  Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) - Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff?  You could remove dried paint from your driveway.  Took me two beers to put the flames out.  I hope that's the worst one.  These Texans are crazy.

***************************************************
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork.  Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 - Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 - Keep this out of the reach of children.  I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain.  I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.  They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

***************************************************
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 - Excellent firehouse chili.  Great kick.
Judge # 2 - A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 - Call the EPA - I've located a uranium spill.  My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.  Everyone knows the routine by now.  Get me more beer before I ignite.  Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.  I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

***************************************************
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice.  Disappointing.
Judge # 2 - Hint of lime in the black beans.  Good side dish for fish or other mild foods.  Not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 - I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it.  Is it possible to burn out taste buds?  Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills.  That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating!  Is chili an aphrodisiac?

***************************************************
CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 - Meaty, strong chili.  Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick.  Very impressive.
Judge # 2 - Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.  Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes.  I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.  The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.  Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher.  I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.  It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.  Screw those rednecks.

***************************************************
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 - Thin, yet bold, vegetarian variety chili.  Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 - The best yet!  Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.  Superb!
Judge # 3 - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames.  I crapped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair.  No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally.  Can't feel my lips anymore.  I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

***************************************************
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 - A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. 
Judge # 2 - Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.  **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3.  He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 - You could stick a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing.  I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it's made of rushing water.  My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth.  My pants are full of lava to match my shirt.  At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.  I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful.  Screw it - I'm not getting any oxygen anyway.  If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

***************************************************
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili.  Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 - This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot.  Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.  Not sure if he's going to make it.  Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report

An oldie but a goodie - and damn funny for those who have never heard it or seen it before...

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.  After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.  The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.  If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." 

So comes the next Sunday.  The new priest took the monsignor's advice.  At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.  Feeling brave, he proceeded to talk up a storm.  Slightly dizzy upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1.)  Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2.)  There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3.)  There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4.)  Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5.)  Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6.)  We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7.)  The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and The Spook.
8.)  David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9.)  When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10.)  We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11.)  When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body."  He did not say, "Eat me!"

12.)  The Virgin Mary is not called Mary with the Cherry.
13.)  The recommended grace before a meal is not, "Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God!"
14.)  Next Sunday there will be a Taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's - not a Peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's!

From The Late Show w/David Letterman - this is a true story

On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine.  She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room.  But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room.  "I'll be right back and we'll go to eat," she told her husband, and carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator. 

As she was about to walk into the elevator, she noticed two men already aboard.  Both were black.  One of them was tall...very tall...an intimidating figure.  The woman froze.  Her first thought was: "These two are going to rob me."

Her next thought was: "Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen."
But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her.  She stood and stared at the two men.  She felt anxious, flustered and ashamed.  She hoped they didn't read her mind but gosh, they had to know what she was thinking!!!  Her hesitation about joining them in the elevator was all too obvious now.  Her face was flushed.  She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot and was on the elevator.

Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed.  A second passed, and then another second, and then another.  Her fear increased!  The elevator didn't move.  Panic consumed her.  "My goodness," she thought, "I'm trapped and about to be robbed!"

Her heart plummeted.  Perspiration poured from every pore.  Then one of the men said, "Hit the floor."
Instinct told her to do what they told her.  The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator floor.  A shower of coins rained down on her.  "Take my money and spare me," she prayed.

More seconds passed.  She heard one of the men say politely, "Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button."

The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out.  He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh.  The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two men.  They reached down to help her up.  Confused, she struggled to her feet. "When I told my friend here to hit the floor," said the average sized one, "I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor.  I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am."  He spoke genially.  He bit his lip.  It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing.

The woman thought:  "What a spectacle I've made of myself."   She was humiliated to speak.  She wanted to blurt out an  apology, but words failed her.  How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were going to rob you?  She didn't know what to say.  The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket. 

When the elevator arrived at her floor they then insisted on walking her to her room.  She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor.  At her door, they bid her a good evening.  As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter as they walked back to the elevator.

The woman brushed herself off.  She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband.  The next morning flowers were delivered to her room - a dozen roses.  Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill. 

The card said: "Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years." 
It was signed - Eddie Murphy & Michael Jordan  

Preacher moving on - rated PG-13 for language and sexual references

This is a story about a popular young Baptist preacher, who on Sunday Morning announces to the congregation that he will not renew his Contact and is moving on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.  There is a hush.  No one wants him to leave.  Bubba, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and announces, "If the preacher stays, I'll provide him with a new sedan every year, and his lovely wife with a minivan, to transport their children!"  The congregation sighs, and applauds.

Billy Bob, the entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the Preacher stays, I'll double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of his children!!"  More sighs and applauses.

Ms. Ella May, age 70, stands and announces, "If the preacher stays, I'll Give him SEX!!"  There is a hush.  The preacher, blushing, asks,"Ms. Ella May, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Ms. Ella May answers, "I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said....'Fuck him!'"

For the Ladies - Sandal season is right around the corner, girls - here's the rules...

Please raise your big toes and repeat after me - As a member of the Faux Paux Sisterhood, I pledge to follow The Rules when I wear sandals and other open-toe shoes:

I promise to always wear sandals that fit.  My toes will not hang over and touch the ground, nor will my heels spill over the backs.  And the sides and tops of my feet will not pudge out between the straps.

I will go polish-free or vow to keep the polish fresh, intact and chip-free.  I will not cheat and just touch up my big toe.

I will sand down any mounds of skin before they turn hard and yellow.

I will shave the hairs off my big toe.

I won't wear pantyhose even if my misinformed girlfriend, coworker, mother, sister tells me the toe seam really will stay under my toes if I tuck it there.

If a strap breaks, I won't duct-tape, pin, glue or tuck it back in to place hoping it will stay put. I will get my shoe fixed or toss it.  No matter how much it hurts.

I will not live in corn denial; rather I will lean on my good friend Dr. Scholl's if my feet need him.

I will resist the urge to buy jelly shoes at Payless for the low, low price of $4.99 even if my feet are small enough to fit into the kids' sizes.  This is out of concern for my safety, and the safety of others.  No one can walk properly when standing in a pool of sweat, and I would hate to take someone down with me as I fall and break my ankle.

I will take my toe ring off toward the end of the day if my toes swell and begin to look like Vienna sausages.

I will be brutally honest with my girlfriend/sister/coworker when she asks me if her feet are too ugly to wear sandals.  Someone has to tell her that her toes look like they've been dragged behind her car on the way to work and no sandal in the world is going to make her feet look good.

I will promise if I wear flip flops, that I will ensure they actually flip and flop, making the correct noise while walking and I will swear NOT to slide or drag my feet while wearing them.

I will promise to go to my local beauty school at least once per season and have a real pedicure (they are about $15 and worth EVERY penny).  I say spend another $15.00 and get a even better one.

And finally...

I will promise to throw away any white/off-white sandals that show signs of wear...nothing is tackier than dirty white sandals...

Here's the Beer...

Subject: Here's the Beer that I was telling you about. 8-)
http://www.eurobrews.com/monty.html
If anyone was ever interested in drinking beer based on a Monty python
premise, this is it...

Saying about life..

Life is not about the amount of breaths you take - it's about the moments that take your breath away.

Kids say the darndest things, (and these can be told in church)...

CAN BE TOLD IN CHURCH - guaranteed to be PG or G….
 
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness," her mother whispered back, "and today is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
 ----------------------------------------
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class.  As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!  Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!"

While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress.  She got up,

brushed herself off, and started running again!  As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But, please don't shove me either!"

----------------------------------------
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.  The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing.  My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

----------------------------------------
An elderly woman died last month.  Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers.  In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.

----------------------------------------
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"
He answered "Call for backup."
----------------------------------------
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.  A small child replied: "They couldn't get a babysitter."

----------------------------------------
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.  After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
---------------------------------------
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.  Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.  Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"

Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side.  I think I'm going to have a wife."
----------------------------------------
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil.  One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"

The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out.  It's probably just your Dad.

My Private Part Died Today

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home.  One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.  Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.

"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My private part died today, and I am very sad."
Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences."

The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his private part hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.  "Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.  Please put your private part back inside your pajamas."

"But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my private part died."
"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?" asked Nurse Tracy.
"Well," he replied, "Today's the viewing."

Oil Change instructions for the two sexes....

Oil Change instructions for Women:
1.) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2.) Drink a cup of coffee.
3.) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change - $20.00
Coffee - $1.00
Total - $21.00 

 ==================================================
Oil Change instructions for Men: 
1.)  Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of  oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2.)  Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3.)  Open a beer and drink it.
4.)  Jack car up.  Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5.)  Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6.)  In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7.)  Place drain pan under engine.
8.)  Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9.)  Give up and use crescent wrench.
10.)  Unscrew drain plug.
11.)  Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in Process.  Cuss.
12.)  Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.  Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13.)  Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14.)  Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15.)  Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16.)  Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes.  Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties.  Drink a beer.
17.)  Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him.  Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18.)  Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change."  Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.  Cleverly dump oil in hole In back yard instead of taking it back to recycle. 
19.)  Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20.)  Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21.)  Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22.)  Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23.)  Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24.)  Remember drain plug from step 11.
25.)  Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26.)  Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27.)  Drink beer.
28.)  Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug.  Re-shovel oily dirt into hole.  Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties.  Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas. 
29.)  Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.  Throw kitty litter on oil spill. 
30.)  Drink beer.
31.)  Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes.  Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug.  Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame. 
32.)  Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33.)  Begin cussing fit.
34.)  Throw stupid crescent wrench. 
35.)  Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
36.)  Beer.
37.)  Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38.)  Beer.
39.)  Beer.
40.)  Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41.)  Beer.
42.)  Lower car from jack stands.
43.)  Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil. 
44.)  Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43. 
45.)  Beer.
46.)  Test drive car.
47.)  Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48.)  Car gets impounded.
49.)  Call loving wife, make bail.
50.)  12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

 

Money spent:
Parts - $50.00
DUI - $2500.00
Impound fee - $75.00
Bail - $1500.00
Beer - $40.00
Total - $4,165.00

 

But you know the job was done right!

Lyrics to Pieces of the Night by Gin Blossoms...

PIECES OF THE NIGHT
(Doug Hopkins)
Is it any wonder that the stars just don’t rush by
When you’re only doin’ 60 through this oh-so-vacant night
But it’s lacking something big this time
What the hell did you expect to find
Aphrodite on a barstool by your side
Twelfth night we go
After something everyone should know
Somewhere in the distance out of sight...
Then I saw: gin mill rainfall
What do you remember if at all
Only pieces of the night...
And is it any wonder in the middle of the crowd
If you let your feet get trampled on
When the music is that loud
But you wanted to be where you are
But it looked much better from afar
A hillside in shadow
Between the people and the stars
Twelfth night we go
After something everyone should know
Somewhere in the distance out of sight...
Then I saw: gin mill rainfall
What do you remember if at all
Only pieces of the night...
It seems so distant
But still only half the night away
Where notions between your questions come too
Is it any wonder where
The pieces of the night have been...

Lyrics to Hey Jealousy from the Gin Blossoms

HEY JEALOUSY
(Doug Hopkins)
Tell me do you think it’d be all right
If I could just crash here tonight
You can see I’m in no shape for driving
And anyway I’ve got no place to go
And you know it might not be that bad
You were the best I’d ever had
If I hadn’t blown the whole thing years ago
I might not be alone
Tomorrow we can drive around this town
And let the cops chase us around
The past is gone but something might be found
To take its place...hey jealousy
And you can trust me not to think
And not to sleep around
If you don’t expect too much from me
You might not be let down
Cause all I really want is to be with you
Feeling like I matter too
If I hadn’t blown the whole thing years ago
I might be here with you
Tomorrow we can drive around this town
And let the cops chase us around
The past is gone but something might be found
To take its place...hey jealousy
She took my heart
There’s only one thing I couldn’t start

From Dave Barry - took him over 50 years to learn these...

16 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN:
by Dave Barry, Nationally Syndicated Columnist

1.) Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2.) If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3.) There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4.) People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5.) You should not confuse your career with your life.

6.) Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7.) Never lick a steak knife.

8.) The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9.) You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10.) You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11.) There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday - that time is age eleven.

12.) The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13.) A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14.) Your friends love you anyway.

15.) Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

16.) Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine - They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

William Charles LaMothe - 4/28/1925-2/28/2006 - R.I.P.

For those who don’t know yet - on February 28th, 2006 at 3:00am, my father, William Charles LaMothe, passed away.  He was 81.  He will be remembered in my heart forever.  I am always reminded of my friends and family in times like these and thought I would share this story with you.  I appreciate you all.  Thanks for all you do for me in my life!

NAIL IN THE FENCE

Make sure you read all the way down to the last sentence. (Most importantly the last sentence)

There once was a little boy who had a bad temper.  His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence.  The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence.  Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down.  He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.

Finally, the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all.  He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper.  The days passed, and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone.  The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence.  He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence.  The fence will never be the same.  When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one.  You can put a knife in a man and draw it out.  It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound is still there.  A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one."

Friends are very rare jewels, indeed.  They make you smile and encourage you to succeed.  They lend an ear, they share words of praise and they always want to open their hearts to us.  It's National Friendship Week.  Show your friends how much you care.  Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND, even if it means sending it back to the person who sent it to you.  If it comes back to you, then you'll know you have a circle of friends.

YOU ARE MY FRIEND AND I AM HONORED!

Please forgive me if I have ever left a hole.

The saga of the 15 Leroy's, as told to Chaucer...

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.  "WOW," the social worker exclaims," are they ALL YOURS???"

"Yep, they are  all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.  She says, "Sit down Leroy."  All the children rush to find seats.

"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up.  I'll need all your children's names."
"This one's my oldest, he is Leroy."
"OK, and who's next?"
"Well, this one he is Leroy,  also."
The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues.  One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy.  Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!

"All right," says the caseworker.  "I'm seeing a pattern here.  Are they all named Leroy?"
Their Momma replied, "Well, yes it makes it easier.  When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!'  And when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' and they all comes running.  And if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy!' and all of them stop.  It's the smartest idea I ever had, naming them all Leroy."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, and then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"

"I call them by their last names......"

One for the ladies - MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

What do you expect from such simple creatures? 

- Your last name stays put. 
- The garage is all yours. 
- Wedding plans take care of themselves. 
- Chocolate is just another snack. 
- You can be President. 
- You can never be pregnant. 
- You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. 
- You can wear NO shirt to a water park. 
- Car mechanics tell you the truth. 
- The world is your urinal. 
- You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. 
- You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. 
- Same work, more pay.
- Wrinkles add character. 
- Wedding dress $5000 -Tux rental-$100. 
- People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. 
- The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. 
- New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. 
- One mood all the time.
- Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. 
- You know stuff about tanks. 
- A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. 
- You can open all your own jars
- You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. 
- If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
- Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. 
- Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. 
- You almost never have strap problems in public. 
- You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. 
- Everything on your face stays its original color. 
- The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. 
- You only have to shave your face and neck.
- You can play with toys all your life. 
- Your belly usually hides your big hips. 
- One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
- You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. 
- You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. 
- You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
- You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

It's NO WONDER men are happier!

Check your health plan to see if its covered...

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital when during her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!!" screamed the woman, "That's disgraceful!!!  Why is he doing that??"
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least 5 times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."

"Oh well, in that case, I guess it's ok," commented the woman.
In the very next room, a male patient was lying in bed and it was obvious that a nurse was performing oral sex on him.  Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD!!  How can THAT be justified?"

Again the doctor spoke very calmly, "Same illness, better health plan."

St Louis County SKYWARN tornado spotter training classes....

For those interested in SKYWARN Tornado Spotter training, these are the class times and locations for St Louis County this spring...

2006 St. Louis County SKYWARN Training                 
Date    Time    Location       
March 4, 2006   Level 1: 9 am -Noon
Level 2: 1 - 4 pm
        Affton Community Center
9801 Mackenzie Road    
March 9, 2006   Level 1: 7 - 10 pm      Affton Community Center
9801 Mackenzie Road    
March 11, 2006  Level 1: 9 am - Noon
Level 2: 1 - 4 pm
        Queeny Park Recreation Center
550 Weidman Road       
March 18, 2006  Level 1: 9 am - Noon
Level 2: 1 - 4 pm
        Chesterfield City Hall
690 Chesterfield Parkway West  
March 25, 2006  Level 1: 9 am - Noon
Level 2: 1 - 4 pm       Hazelwood West High School
1 Wildcat Drive        
March 30, 2006  Level 1:: 7 - 10 pm     Queeny Park Recreation Center
550 Weidman Road       
April 1, 2006   Level 1: 9 am - Noon
Level 2: 1 - 4 pm
        Crestwood City Hall
1 Detjen Drive 
April 8, 2006   Level 1: 9 am - Noon Level 2: 1 - 4 pm
        St. Louis Community College, Florissant Valley
3400 Pershall Road
Registration required for this class only.
Call 314-513-4444.     

An official list of St Louis Quirks....

There are 75 "official neighborhoods" in the City of St. Louis. St. Louisans commonly give directions (especially for restaurants) to strangers based on these neighborhoods which aren't marked on any maps that are handed out by the tourist board, the AAA or Mapquest.

There are 54 school districts -- on the Missouri side alone -- each of which has their own school bus system and scheduled times to block traffic.

There are 91 official municipalities in St. Louis County. Each Municipality has its own rules, regulations, and often their own police departments.

More importantly, most have their own snow removal contracts so it's not uncommon to drive down a road in winter and have one block plowed, the next salted, the next piled with snow and the last partially cleared by residents wanting to get out of their driveways.

Snow plowing is never a problem in the City of St. Louis. ! They plow nothing, and if the forecast calls for snow, they close everything. Except on "The Hill" (refer to ..1 above) where each homeowner goes out to the street and shovels out one car-sized rectangle and then stands watch over it.

Any car parked longer than 4 hours in the city is considered a parts store.

The City of Ballwin actually proposed that drivers use connecting strip mall parking lots to get from place to place rather than drive on Manchester Road to cut the traffic on Manchester.

Laclede Station Road mysteriously changes names as you cross intersections. As do McCausland, Lindbergh, Watson, Reavis Barracks, Fee Fee, McKnight, Airport Road, Midland, Olive and Clarkson. Gravois Road can only be pronounced by a native. Ditto for Spoede and Chouteau.

A St. Louisan from South County has never been to North County and visa versa. West County has everything delivered.

No native St. Louisan knows that Lindbergh runs from South County to N! orth County! And, if you tell them, they will not believe you.

Lindbergh belongs to every neighborhood except Kirkwood, who had the nerve to creatively change the name to "Kirkwood Road".

There are 2 interchanges to exit from Highway 40 onto Clayton Road and 2 for Big Bend. Stay alert, people!

If you need directions to O'Fallon, make sure to specify Illinois or Missouri. This is also true for Troy, Maryville, St. Charles, Springfield, Columbia....

The Page Avenue extension and Airport expansion projects took over 20 years to get approved and St. Louisans lost track of how many political figures claimed them as their own ideas.

St. Louisans were aghast when the federal government required them to redo the highway signs to indicate that the federal highways went to cities in other states instead of local municipalities.

Drivers are starting to cut their OWN plates rather than go through the Missouri Department of Motor Vehicles to get! new tags. You can also purchase tags from dealers behind QuiK Shops in the city. They are cheaper, the clerks are nicer, and the service is faster.

Lambert Field and St. Louis International Airport really are the same place. The East Terminal, however, is a different place.

Highway 270 is our daily version of the NASCAR circuit. (Same goes for Highway 70.)

You can go all four directions on Highway 270: North and South in West County, East and West in South County, and East and West in North County. Confused? So are the St. Louis drivers.

The outer belt is Highway 270 which turns into Highway 255 in South County. The inner belt is Highway 170. Highway 370 is an outer-outer belt. Highway 40 is the same as Interstate 64 (but only through the middle part of St. Louis).

The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00 AM. The evening rush hour is from 3:00 to 7:00 PM. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.

Never ever try to cross a bri! dge in St. Louis during rush hour unless you have a sack lunch and a port-a-potty in the car.

YIELD signs are for decoration only. No native St. Louisan will ever grasp the concept.

If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect, or has been on for the last 17 miles.

Construction on Highways 40, 64, 70, 255, 270, 44, 55 and 170 is a way of life, and a permanent form of entertainment.

All old ladies with blue hair in Cadillac's (driving on Olive west of 270) have the right of way.

If it snows or rains? Stay home!!