the latest TRIAL OF THE CENTURY...

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. She brought her husband to the trial. When she went before the judge, he asked her, "What did you steal?"

She replied, "A can of peaches."

"Why did you steal this can of peaches?" the judge asked.

”I was hungry, your honor,” she said.

“How many peaches were in the can?” the judge asked.

"6," she replied.

The judge said, "Then I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could conclude the trial, the woman's husband spoke. “Can I say something?” he asked.

The judge said, "What is it, sir?"

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas…"

THE CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!' I just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED!!" the Judge yelled out, barely able to contain himself...

questions that I ponder about...

http://www.guys-snacks.com/

Back in the day, at one time, at convenience stores throughout parts of the Midwest, this Kansas City based small snack food company sold pre-packaged cellophane bags of roasted and salted peanuts, cashews and almonds proudly displaying their logo and the word “nuts” below it… This raises plenty of questions, some obvious, others, well…

1.) DOESN’T ANYONE EVER LISTEN IN THESE CORPORATE MEETINGS?!?!?!?!?

2.) Would anyone place a display and state that you can walk in their store where they proudly sell these aforementioned products??

3.) Did they do this as a joke?

4.) Was this intentional?

5.) Could you ever display this close to various sanitary products or perhaps male undergarment displays?

6.) If they sold bags of raw potatoes, what would they call them?

7.) What if they were a sports equipment manufacturer, and, say, made baseballs or those that require interior bladders such as footballs, basketballs, soccerballs, Volleyballs, etc., how would the displays read?

8.) Would they ever dare hire scantily clad models cooing lines like “oooh, salty”?

9.) Would they hire Alec Baldwin’s character from several SNL episodes a few years back named Pete Schwette, who made spherical chocolate confections chock full of salty peanuts, cashews, etc. , who would then invite attractive female co-hosts the opportunity to place these confections in their hands and place their tongues upon them to partake in their goodness…

10.) Who really gives a crap??

what a ride!!!

Talk about hanging on for dear life…and talk about being in the wrong place at the wrong time!!! He falls, he’s crispy crittered, stick on, he’s crispy crittered upon the release and re-entry of the external tank, so, he’s gone either way he goes. Might as well enjoy the view…

Bat Hung On For a Ride Into Space

Clara Moskowitz

Staff Writer

SPACE.com clara Moskowitz

staff Writer

space.com

Wed Mar 18, 1:03 am ET

This story was updated at 10:32 p.m. EDT.

A small bat that was spotted blasting off with the space shuttle Sunday and clinging to the back side of Discovery's external fuel tank apparently held on throughout the launch.

NASA hoped the bat would fly away before the spacecraft's Sunday evening liftoff, but photos from the launch now show the bat holding on for dear life throughout the fiery ride.

"He did change the direction he was pointing from time to time throughout countdown but ultimately never flew away," states a NASA memo obtained by SPACE.com. "Infrared imagery shows he was alive and not frozen like many would think ... Liftoff imagery analysis confirmed that he held on until at least the vehicle cleared [the] tower before we lost sight of him."

Officials at NASA's Kennedy Space Center in Cape Canaveral, Fla., where Discovery launched from a seaside pad, said the bat's outlook after launch appears grim.

"Based on images and video, a wildlife expert who provides support to the center said the small creature was a free tail bat that likely had a broken left wing and some problem with its right shoulder or wrist," NASA officials said Tuesday. "The animal likely perished quickly during Discovery's climb into orbit."

Because the Kennedy Space Center is also home to Florida's Merritt Island National Wildlife Refuge, NASA's launch pads are equipped with several countermeasures, including warning sirens, to ward off birds and other wildlife. NASA also relies on radar to make sure large flocks of birds won't be struck by the shuttle during liftoff.

But the bat on Discovery's tank did not budge, even after engine ignition.

The bat was perched between one quarter and one third of the way up on the north side of the fuel tank, which is the side that faces away from the orbiter. NASA estimated the surface temperature of the tank at that location was between 58 and 70 degrees Fahrenheit, even though the canister was filled with super-cold liquid hydrogen and liquid oxygen.

In the hours before Discovery's liftoff, NASA's Final Inspection Team (called the "ICE team") investigated whether the creature would pose a risk to the shuttle if its body impacted the orbiter's sensitive heat shield tiling. Ultimately, NASA officials signed a waiver confirming that the bat was safe to fly with.

"The bat eventually became 'Interim Problem Report 119V-0080' after the ICE team finished their walkdown," the memo said. "Systems Engineering and Integration performed a debris analysis on him and ultimately a Launch Commit Criteria waiver to ICE-01 was written to accept the stowaway."

This isn't the first time a bat has attempted to travel into space. Another bat was seen clinging to the side of the external tank attached to the shuttle Endeavour on its STS-72 flight in 1996. That one maybe have been a bit more cautious, though: It flew away to safety right before launch.

Coincidentally, an astronaut aboard that flight, Koichi Wakata of Japan, also flew on Discovery this week, making him the first spaceflyer to share two rides with bats. Discovery's STS-119 mission is headed to the International Space Station to drop off the final segment of the lab's backbone truss and set of solar array panels.

NASA officials said a bat also set down on the external tank for the shuttle Columbia during its STS-90 mission in 1998. That bat also flitted away to safety during liftoff, they added.

SPACE.com is providing continuous coverage of STS-119 with reporter Clara Moskowitz and senior editor Tariq Malik in New York. Click here for mission updates and SPACE.com's live NASA TV video feed.

this is the reason we all here in the StL weigh a ton...we're addicted to...

St. Louis Gooey Butter Cake

Yield: 9 servings

For crust:

1 cup all-purpose flour

3 tablespoons granulated sugar

1/3 cup butter, softened

For filling:

1 1/4 cups granulated sugar

3/4 cup (1 1/2 sticks) butter, softened

1 egg

1 cup all-purpose flour

2/3 cup evaporated milk

1/4 cup light corn syrup

1 teaspoon vanilla

Powdered sugar

1. Prepare the crust. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. In a mixing bowl, combine 1 cup flour and 3 tablespoons sugar. Cut in 1/3 cup butter until mixture resembles fine crumbs and starts to cling together. Pat into the bottom and sides of a greased 9-by-9-by-2-inch pan.

2. Prepare the filling. In a mixing bowl, beat 1 1/4 cups sugar and 3/4 cup butter until light and fluffy. Mix in egg until combined. A bit at a time, alternately add 1 cup flour and evaporated milk, mixing after each addition. Add corn syrup and vanilla. Mix at medium speed until well blended.

3. Pour filling into crust-lined pan. Sprinkle with powdered sugar. Bake for 25 to 35 minutes or until cake is nearly set. Do not overcook. Let cool in pan.

Per serving: 492 calories; 25.5g fat (46 percent calories from fat); 92mg cholesterol; 5g protein; 62g carbohydrate; 1g fiber; 277mg sodium.

cold winters up north there...

It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was new to being chief and coming from a more modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets.

When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared and being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" he asked.

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "It's going to be a very cold winter." The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen."

"How can you be so sure?" the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy…"

That's one tough bird....

Eagle survives crash through truck windshield

By SCOTT SONNER, Associated Press Writer Scott Sonner, Associated Press Writer

Thu Mar 5, 6:53 am ET

RENO, Nev. – The eagle has landed — with a thud — after crashing through the windshield of a tractor-trailer on a Nevada highway. State wildlife officials said Wednesday that a 15-pound golden eagle with a 7-foot wing span has a swollen head but otherwise appears unhurt after crashing into a Florida truck driver's big rig on Monday.

Matthew Roberto Gonzalez of Opa Locka, Fla., was driving on U.S. Interstate 80 in northeast Nevada near Wells, about 60 miles west of the Utah line, when the eagle came crashing into the cab of his truck.

"I heard a loud thump like a brick or something coming through the glass," said Daryl Young of Miami, the co-driver who was dozing in the sleeper berth when it happened. "I woke up, and the windshield was all over me. Next thing I know there was a big bird lying on the floor."

Joe Doucette, a spokesman for the Nevada Department of Wildlife, said it appears the eagle hit the windshield head first.

"One side of the head is swollen, but there does not appear to be any permanent damage," he said.

"The guys in the truck immediately bailed out because it was one ticked off bird. She was pretty feisty," Doucette said. "Even the officer who responded didn't want to go in there so we had one of our wildlife biologists do it."

The eagle was recovering at the Northeast Nevada Wildlife Rehabilitation Center in Spring Creek, and Doucette said the goal was to release it back into the wild.

Jeffrey Spires, owner of Spires Trucking of South Florida in Miramar, Fla., said he thought his drivers were kidding when they called to report the damage.

"Never in trucking history," he said.

original dept was the Dept of Elder Affairs or the DEA - way cooler than the one they got instead...

Iowa department for elderly to skip DOA label

Thu Mar 5, 10:55 am ET

DES MOINES, Iowa (Reuters) – A plan to rename Iowa's department for the elderly will not result in its tag becoming the same as hospital code for "dead on arrival," the agency's chief said on Wednesday.

State lawmakers raised eyebrows when they voted earlier on Wednesday to change the name of the Department of Elder Affairs to the Department on Aging, or DOA.

Director John McCalley said he would use the shorthand DA instead.

"You can't have an acronym like this when you're referring to elderly people," said Representative Dave Heaton, 68, when the legislature approved the change.

Lawmakers want to make the department's name conform with those of federal agencies that deal with the elderly, said Representative Janet Petersen, 38.

She said the department's existing name is also a problem because some older Iowans dislike being referred to as "elders."

Iowa's governor must approve the change for it to become law.

teachers vs kids...

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.

MARIA: Here it is. <points to map at N.A.>

TEACHER: Correct! Now class, who discovered America?

CLASS: Maria.

____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong...

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'

MILLIE: I is..

TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'

MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

_______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.

___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher!

the precieved power of prayer/fate/whatever...

A man recently told a true story about the pastor of his church. He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down.

The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and pulled it until the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.

That's what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car. He then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten.

But as he moved the car a little further forward, the rope broke. The tree went "boing!" and the kitten instantly sailed through the air - out of sight. The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No, nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping," and went on about his business.

A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, "Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?"

She replied, "You won't believe this, but my little girl had been begging her for a cat to call her own, however I kept refusing. Then a few days before, she begged again, so I finally told her, 'Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it.' I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her..."