another survey....

1.) Did you date someone from your school? Yes, when I was 14. Then nothing until college.

2.) Did you marry someone from your high school? Nope, had to move to StL to meet, seduce, marry and have kids with my wife...

3.) Did you car pool to school? Walked mostly (only lived 8 blocks away!)

4.) What kind of car did you have? Several, my first car was a 1977 AMC Hornet station wagon, powder blue, and all mine - totaled it in a traffic accident 6 months after I got my license - loved that car!! <still crying about it to this day...oh regrets..> Second car was a 1968 Ford Gran Torino with a powerful racing V8 Maroon Red and what a kick! Only had it for a little bit, but that little bit was oooh la-la exciting. Third car was a 1978 powder blue Pontiac Grand Prix station wagon. Hit a deer going to Springfield from Joplin right outside Republic MO with it and totaled it.

5.) What kind of car do you have now? Three - 2000 Chevy Astro Minivan, 2001 Ford Taurus and a 1994.5 Plymouth Neon. The Neon's the "backup" car in case one of the other two vehicles are down and yes, the Taurus is down again, so, I'm back in the Neon for now...

6.) It is Friday night...where were you then? in freshman year, I was in the band and we played at games. I also participated all 4 years in the fall play and spring musical for Drama/ITS, so I was painting flats, putting up stage lights, makeup, etc. behind the scenes stuff, mostly. Sophomore-Senior year was usually that or at home or at the library or King Pizza on Range Line Road playing D&D or playing video games at the mall, or watching movies at the mall theatre (when I could afford it)

7.) What kind of job did you have in high school? Joplin Globe, I threw papers.

8.) What kind of job do you do now? Travel Agent Helpdesk - Data input, etc.

9.) Were you a party animal? That depends on the crowd and the party.

10.) Were you considered a flirt? I assume so, yes. I am accused of it constantly, however, its something I cant turn off - its more an interest I have in people and what they have to say more than actual flirtation. It gets mistaken quite often. But, if I am enthralled by your conversation then, yes, I can be somewhat of what would be considered flirty...

11.) Were you in band, orchestra, or choir? Band - frosh year only

12.) Were you a nerd? Love Star Trek and Star wars, played D&D and excelled in most subjects, what do you think??

13.) Did you get suspended or expelled? Got in trouble for being tardy a lot, other than that no…

14.) Can you sing the fight song? It’s been more than 20 years, no, I can’t even remember it. I do remember we copied it from a college for the music but can’t for the life of me remember the tune...

15.) Who was/were your favorite teacher? Too many to mention, but Mrs. Acker (creative writing), Mr. Diamond (journalism) and Mr. Hoffman (History/Geography) were a few...

16.) Where did you sit during lunch? Nerds table...most definitely...

17.) What was your school's full name? Joplin Memorial High School (now closed - its a junior high now...)

18.) When did you graduate? I graduated in 19..19...1985

19.) What was your school mascot? EAGLES!

20.) If you could go back and do it again, would you? Nope...

21.) Did you have fun at Prom? Didn’t go...

22.) Do you still talk to the person you went to Prom with? Didn’t go, so no...

23.) Do you plan to attend your next reunion? Sure, why not - kinda have to now, because I kinda volunteered at the last one to help out if I could...

24.) Do you still talk to people from school? A few, online, Barbi, Wade, Greg, and my best friend from HS Mike. Have run into a few of them around when I head back to Joplin on a few occasions.

25.) What were your school colors? Blue and White

26.) What would you change? About what...I have the power to change only me, and the change has to be positive and positively affect all around me. So, I have to have more specifics before I can answer this...

official ap story - Oleo (aka margarine) is illegal in MO by state law if its sold labled as butter...

Yellow Mo. oleo: I Can't Believe It's Not Legal!

By CHRIS BLANK, Associated Press Writer

Tue Dec 16, 5:49 pm ET

JEFFERSON CITY, Mo. (AP) – A state legislator wants to dump a 19th-century law banning the ale of yellow margarine, though it's been years since any violator was ordered to spread 'em.

Rep. Sara Lampe said Tuesday she plans to file legislation repealing the law when the 2009 legislative session starts in January.

Most of Missouri's restrictions on imitation butter date to 1895, and they were last amended in 1939. Although the state no longer enforces them, the penalties could still make dealers in contraband dairy product toast: up to a month in jail and a $100 fine for first-time offenders and six months in jail and a $500 fine for repeat offenders.

Enforcement of the law falls to the state Agriculture Department, and officials there didn't know when someone was last prosecuted under it. Case records from the late 19th and early 20th century show that Missouri courts upheld the constitutionality of the restrictions in several appeals.

Agriculture Department spokeswoman Misti Preston said it's likely that the Legislature restricted margarine and other imitation butter products to protect Missouri's dairy industry, which was a key business for the state in the early 20th century.

According to the National Association of Margarine Manufacturers, by 1902, 32 states home to 80 percent of Americans had restrictions on the color of imitation margarine. Congress in 1886 passed a federal tax on the spread by that was repealed by President Harry S. Truman in 1950.

Richard Cristol, the president of the Washington-based margarine trade group, said Tuesday that it's likely several states still have margarine restrictions on the books, though he's not aware of any actually enforcing them.

Lampe, D-Springfield, said she intends to keep on the books Missouri's existing definition for imitation butter and the prohibition against selling the substitute as real butter. Eliminating those provisions could allow for products to be advertised as butter when they are not, she said.

Lampe said she decided to look for a law that could be removed after asking constituents' ideas on new legislation.

"There are things in your closet that you don't wear, and it's important to clean that out so that you know what's there and know what's necessary," Lampe said.

butter...butter...paarkaaaay...STOP THAT! Allright boys, take him in!!!

(SCENE: The breakfast table of an average Missouri home. MAN eating stack of steaming hot pancakes about to place some margarine between the yummy steamy flapjacks and place syrup all over ‘em when a COP enters…)

COP (Irish accent - rugged, gruff and disgusted): Oh dear, it’s a good thing I showed up. Now boy-oh, you cant put that stuff on your pancakes! Give me your wrists, I’m gonna haveta shackle ya and take ya in.

MAN (in disbelief): I swear officer, I didn’t even know it was illegal…it told me it was butter…

COP: Ignorance of the law’s no excuse…(proceeds to rough up MAN, shackles him and takes him to squad car waiting outside…)

Mo. considers decriminalizing margarine

ASSOCIATED PRESS via stltoday.com

12/16/2008

JEFFERSON CITY (AP) -- A southwest Missouri lawmaker wants to decriminalize margarine.

House member Sara Lampe said Tuesday that she plans to file legislation repealing Missouri's butter law, which dates to 1895.

The law restricts the sale, possession or shipment of imitation butter and bans yellow-tinted varieties. Those dealing contraband dairy products can be fined up to $100 and jailed for up to a month.

Lampe, a Springfield Democrat, said the law doesn't make sense anymore.

Enforcement is up to the state Department of Agriculture. And spokeswoman Misti Preston said the butter laws are no longer enforced.

Preston said the regulations likely were created to protect Missouri's dairy industry.

passing cranberry sauce through ones nose...

As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. "Love Dolls" come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale.

To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked.

My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."

"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.

I kept my mouth shut.

"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, to steer her into dining room.

But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, " Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"

I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

I can't wait until next Christmas.

note to all my friends...

To all my friends…

I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can’t touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the 15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician…

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

receipe for disaster...cooking-wise...

Christmas Cake

Ingredients:

* 2 cups flour

* 1 stick butter

* 1 cup of water

* 1 tsp baking soda

* 1 cup of sugar

* 1 tsp salt

* 1 cup of brown sugar

* Lemon juice

* 4 large eggs

* Nuts

* 1 bottle tequila

* 2 cups of dried fruit

Sample the tequila to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the tequila again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat

again. At this point it's best to make sure the tequila is still OK. Try another cup...just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit up off floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the tequila to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Check the tequila. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or some fink, whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the tequila and wipe counter with the cat.

Bingle Jells!

more muppets on SNL

[FADE IN on a panorama of a set which looks like a moonscape with erupting volcanoes and an orange sky. Black muppets are hiding in craters, a few of which are giving off steam, and tumbleweeds and other odd objects fly across the surface while funky, tuneless music plays.]

Don Pardo: Come with us now, from the bubbling tar pits to the sulfurous wastelands, from the rotting forests to the stagnant northlands, to the land of Gorch.

[FADE to Ploobis, a fat, green lizard with Viking horns, who is guzzling liquor out of a bottle. He slurps for a few seconds, then sets the bottle down.]

Ploobis: [drunkenly singing] I’m retired, and Iwant to go to bed...

Peuta: [shrieking] PLOOBIS!!! PLOOBIS!!

[ENTER Peuta, his elderly wife, who has her blue hair rolled up in curlers.]

Ploobis: Uhhh... I just changed my mind on that.

Peuta: Come to bed!!

Ploobis: [slurring] Don’t tell me what to do!

Peuta: You’re still drunk!

Ploobis: And you’re still ugly. We’re even.

[Peuta hummphs and walks away. Ploobis waves bye-bye to her.]

Ploobis: Uh, yeah, uhhhhhhhhh, we’re even, ehhhhhhhh, um.

[ENTER Scred, a smaller, gray, warty lizard, carrying a lump of ice in his hands and singing unintelligbly.]

Scred: Hiya, hiya, Chief. I got the ice and the beer nuts, but they’re all out of lampshades.

Ploobis: Listen, Scred. Have a drink. I hate to drink alone.

Scred: Oh, nup, nup, nup, I’m seeing double already.

Ploobis: Well, then, both of you have a drink.

Scred: Aaaaaaagh!

[He grabs Scred, pulls him over, opens his mouth, and pours booze down his throat.]

Ploobis: There you go. That, that’s drinking like a man, friend.

[Scred gurgles and coughs]

Ploobis: Drunk like a man.

Scred: Naw, you forgot what planet you’re on! That’s drinking like a Snirch! He, he, he, he....

Ploobis: Oh, yeah, I forget how them Snirches drink.

[Scred tries to pull away, but his ragged sleeve catches on one of Ploobis’s rings.]

Ploobis: You’re caught on me there, Scred!

Scred: Aaaaaagh!

Ploobis: Let go of me, aaagrrgh...

[Scred manages to untangle himself.]

Scred: You know, you shouldn’t drink, though. Yeah, you should just lay offa that stuff!

Ploobis: [points to bottle] All right. You’re fired! You get that, he got laid off the stuff! You, you see that? Heh, heh, heh!

[They laugh while Ploobis has another blast.]

Ploobis: Ehhhh, Scred.

Scred: Hmm?

Ploobis: Scred.

Scred: Yeah?

Ploobis: You know why I drink?

Scred: No.

Ploobis: It’s because I hate myself.

Scred: Oh. That explains why I drink! I hate you too!

[Ploobis throws the bottle at Scred, but misses. The bottle goes klunk on the ground.]

Scred: Actually, actually, I’m only kidding. You’re my very favorite.

Ploobis: Yeahh?

Scred: Yeah. I just love bloated green things.

[Ploobis grabs Scred by the collar.]

Ploobis: I like you too, see, Scred. I like, I like the way your neck and my hand are a perfect fit.

[chokes Scred]

Scred: How convenient!

Ploobis: Wait a minute, Scred. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Scred: What?

Ploobis: Why don’t--why don’t--why don’t--listen, why don’t--why--why don’t--why don’t we go see The Mighty Flavog?

Scred: Oh, no! I got a better idea?

Ploobis: What’s that?

Scred: Yeah. Why don’t we go see The Mighty Flavog?

Ploobis: That’s a good idea! Let’s do that! Come on, let’s go.

[Ploobis and Scred start off to the right.]

Ploobis: Nope--it’s not that way. It’s the other way.

Scred: Over here.

[They walk off to the left and come to a kind of granite, Egyptian statue with an old man’s face carved into it.]

[sound effect of a gong]

Mighty Favog: This is The Mighty Favog.

Ploobis: That is The Mighty Flavog.

Scred: Yeah, sure is! He, he, he!! Hey, Mighty Favog! Me and my little dog Toto here want to go back to Kansas!!

[Laughter]

Mighty Favog: [tonelessly] You guys been hittin’ the sauce again.

Ploobis: Listen, uh--

Scred: No, just had a couple of drinks.

Ploobis: Yeah, yeah, lighten it up there, stoneface!

Scred: Stoneface! Stoneface! Yeah, he’s got a face that could stop a clock!

Mighty Favog: Stoneface?! Thou shalt not take the face of the Lord thy God in vain!

[There is a sound effect of thunderclap, while a lurid gray smoke cloud appears in the sky. Ploobis and Scred tremble in fear.]

Mighty Favog: Heh. The mighty Oz has spoken.

[Sound effect of a gong, then ZOOM in on Favog nodding his head. Play funky music, then FADE to black.]

land shark

SUPER means Superimposed Caption over the tv screen – this is a television script…

Jaws II

Woman #1.....Gilda Radner

Land Shark.....Chevy Chase

Matt Hooper.....John Belushi

Sheriff.....Dan Aykroyd

Woman #2.....Laraine Newman

Woman #3.....Jane Curtin

Woman #4.....Candice Bergen

Jehovah's Witness.....Garrett Morris

[ Music: "Jaws Theme" ]

[ open on interior, apartment ]

[ doorbell sounds ]

Woman #1: [ moves to chain-locked door ] Who is it?

Land Shark: [ muffled voice ] Mrs. Ramilarghh??

Woman #1: Who is it?

Land Shark: [ muffled voice ] Plumber..

Woman #1: Plumber? I didn't ask for a plumber. Who is it?

Land Shark: [ muffled voice ] Telegram.

Woman #1: Oh. Telegram. Just a moment.

[ unlocks door, and opens it. The head of the shark appears, grabbing her arm and pulling her into the hallway as she screams. ]

[ SUPER: "Jaws II" ]

[ dissolve to Sheriff's Office, Sheriff and Matt Hooper looking over a three-foot long metal tub covered with a white cloth ]

Matt Hooper: [ looks under cloth and winces ] Oh, my God!

Sheriff: What was it?

Matt Hooper: Land shark. The cleverest species of them all.

Sheriff:

[ dissolve to Woman #2 in her apartment ]

[ Music: "Jaws Theme ]

[ a knock at the door ]

Woman #2: [ appoaches the door ] Yes?

Land Shark: [ muffled voice ] Mrs. Arlsbergerhh??

Woman #2: Who?

Land Shark: [ muffled voice ] Mrs. Johnannesburrrr??

Woman #2: Who is it?

Land Shark: [ muffled voice ] Flowers.

Woman #2: Flowers? From whom?

Land Shark: [ muffled voice ] Plumber, ma'am..

Woman #2: I don't need a plumber. You're that clever shark, aren't you?

Land Shark: [ muffled voice ] Candygram.

Woman #2: Candygram, my foot! Get out of here before I call the proper authorities. You're the shark, and you know it.

Land Shark: [ muffled voice ] I'm only a dolphin, ma'am..

Woman #2: A dolphin? Well.. okay..

[ she opens the door, as the shark pulls her screaming into the hallway ]

[ dissolve to Sheriff's Office, Matt Hooper lifts up cloth napkin covering plate, then winces and looks away ]

Sheriff: What is it?

Matt Hooper: Egg salad again. [ removes sandwich from under napkin, and takes a bite ]

[ dissolve to Woman #3 in her apartment, Woman #2 putting on make-up to go out ]

[ door buzzes ]

Woman #3: Who is it?

Land Shark: [ muffled voice ] Land Shark.

Woman #3: [ laughing ] Oh, Walter!

[ she opens door laughing, but is attacked and dragged into the hall by the Land Shark ]

[ dissolve to Sheriff's Office, Sheriff on phone looking horrified into another rtub covered with cloth ]

Sheriff: [ on phone ] Hello, Walter. I have some good news, and I have some bad news. First, the good news. There's a party tonight at my house. Now, the bad news: you'll be coming stag. Goodbye, Walter..

[ dissolve to Woman #4 in apartment, listening to the radio ]

Radio: ...considered the cleverest of all sharks. Unlike the great white, which tends to inhabit the waters of harbors and recreational beach areas, the Land Shark may strike at any place, any time. It is capable of disguising its voice, and generally preys on young, single women. Experts at the University of Miami's Oceanographic Institute suggest that the best way to scare off the shark in the event of an attack is to hit or punch the predator in the Nose. Now for the weather..

Woman #4: [ turns off radio, as the doorbell rings ] Who is it?

Muffled Voice: Sorry to disturb you, ma'am. I'm from the Jehovah's Witnesses, and thought you might be interested in a copy of our journal, "The Watchtower".

Woman #4: [ grabs a mallet and inches towards the door ] Why, I'd be very interested..

Muffled Voice: Would you mind opening the door, ma'am?

Woman #4: Certainly.

[ she unlocks the door a crack, and reaches out with the mallet to strike the Land Shark's head. Instead of the shark, a Jehovah's Witness stumbles into the apartment and drops onto the floor in front of her. ]

[ SUPER: "The End?" ]

[ fade ]