A classic top 10 list from Mr. Letterman of the Late Show on CBS

From David Letterman...
Top Ten Most Polite Ways to Tell A Guy His Zipper Is Down

10.)  The cucumber has left the salad.
9.)  Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
8.)  You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
7.)  Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
6.)  Elvis is leaving the building.
5.)  The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
4.)  Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
3.)  You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2.)  Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.

And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped.....

1.)  I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts.

Short but sweet humor to otherwise brighten your day

One day a woman dialed a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."

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At pilots training back in the Air Corps they taught us the following:
"Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take-offs you make."
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Little Tommy had been to a birthday party at a friend's house. Knowing his sweet tooth, Tommy's mother looked straight into his eyes and said, "I hope you didn't ask for a second piece of cake."

"No," said Little Tommy, "but I asked Mrs. Smith for the recipe so you could make some like it, and she gave me two more pieces without asking."

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an all time Favorite: Aspire to inspire before you expire.
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As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray."

From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."

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Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
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Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.

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The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.

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I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.

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Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

an elephant's memory....

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from
college. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull
elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so Mbembe approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a
large thorn deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he
could, Mbembe worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which
the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its
face, stared at him. For several tense moments Mbembe stood frozen,
thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant
trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. He later
married, and had a son, Tapu, whom he told the tale of kindness. Twenty
years later he was walking through a zoo with his now teenaged son. As
they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and
walked over to near where Mbembe and his son were standing. The large
bull elephant stared at Mbembe and lifted its front foot off the ground,
then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted
loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Tapu and Mbembe couldn't help
wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his
courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure.
He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. Suddenly
the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's
legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.

During the investigation of the incident, a zoo representative heard
Tapu, holding back tears, proclaim, "Probably wasn't the same elephant."

It would be worse if she'd accidentally tried to defrag his hard drive in mid-upload....

A little boy goes to his father and asks, "Daddy, how was I born?"
His father answers, "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway."  He sets his boy on his lap and begins the story.

"Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.  Them I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom, and we met at a cyber-café.  We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.  As soon as I was ready to upload, we realized that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little pop-up window appeared that said "You've got male…"

BEHIND EVERY MAN IS A SMART WOMAN

Barbara Walters of Television's 20/20 did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.  She noted that women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands.  From Ms. Walter's vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?"

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation, said, "Land Mines."

This one's for the girls part 2

For all those men who say, "why buy a cow when you can get milk for free?"
Here's an update for you:  Now days, 80% of women are against marriage.  Why?  Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage....

A list for the women...
1. Men are like Laxatives - They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like Bananas - The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather - Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like Blenders - You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like Chocolate Bars - Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men  are like Commercials - You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores - Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men  are like Government Bonds - They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like Mascara - They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn - They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms - You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it will last.
12. Men are like Lava Lamps - Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots - All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Jokes and such to just about offend EVERYONE...

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts!

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because  on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe on how to prepare it.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this s....t"

Why Men Are Just Happier People --

This may have been posted before, but...
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
1.)  Your last name stays put.
2.)  The garage is all yours.
3.)  Wedding plans take care of themselves.
4.)  Chocolate is just another snack.
5.)  You can be President.
6.)  You can never be pregnant.
7.)  You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
8.)  You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
9.)  Car mechanics tell you the truth.
10.)  The world is your urinal.
11.)  You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
12.)  You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
13.)  Same work, more pay. 
14.)  Wrinkles add character.
15.)  Wedding dress $5000 - Tux rental-$100.
16.)  People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
17.)  The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
18.)  New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
19.)  One mood all the time.
20.)  Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
21.)  You know stuff about tanks.
22.)  A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
23.)  You can open all your own jars.
24.)  You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25.)  If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
26.)  Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
27.)  Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
28.)  You almost never have strap problems in public.
29.)  You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
30.)  Everything on your face stays its original color.
31.)  The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
32.)  You only have to shave your face and neck.
33.)  You can play with toys all your life.
34.)  Your belly usually hides your big hips.
35.)  One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
36.)  You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
37.)  You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
38.)  You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
39.)  You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

What were they thinking????

All of these are legitimate companies dealing in regular products and
services, but they didn't think their domain names
through!

Take note of their 'Domain Names'! Some of them are prime candidates
for the "What was I thinking?" Award!

ALL of these websites actually exist, selling something totally benign,
(and work - safe, in case you're wondering).

1). A site called 'Who represents' where you can find the name of the
agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain
name is:
www.whorepresents.com

2). 'Experts Exchange', a knowledge base where programmers can exchange
advice and views at:
www.expertsexchange.com

3). Looking for a pen???? Look no further than 'Pen Island' at:
www.penisland.net

4). Need a 'therapist'???? Try 'Therapist Finder' at:
www.therapistfinder.com

5). Then of course, there's the 'Italian Power Generator Company' -
www.powergenitalia.com

6). And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New
South Wales at:
www.molestationnursery.com

7). If you're looking for computer software, there's always this site at:
www.ipanywhere.com

8). Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is at:
www.cummingfirst.com

9). There's these brainless art designers, and their wacky website at:
www.speedofart.com

10). Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe?????? Try their brochure website at:
www.gotahoe.com

You have to admire this kids logic

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he
notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little
ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the
middle. The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being
pulled by her dog and her cat.

The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. “That sure is a nice
fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.

"Thanks" the girl says.

The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the
wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

“Little Partner", the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how
to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's
collar too, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I
wouldn't have a siren."