YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2009 when...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

AND FINALLY...

NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

I believe I have posted this before, but hey, if TV can repeat so can I

Don't not read this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht thefirst and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

interesting facts...or perhaps some mixed in interesting rumour....

* In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have 'the rule of thumb'

* Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden'.. .and thus, the word GOLF entered into the English language.

* The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

* Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.

* Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

* Coca-Cola was originally green. (to me it STILL IS...)

* It is impossible to lick your elbow.

* The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

* The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%

* The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

* The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $16,400

* The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour: 61,000

* Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair (does this mean they've been eating pennies?)

* The first novel ever written on a typewriter, Tom Sawyer.

* The San Francisco cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

* Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades - King David

Hearts - Charlemagne

Clubs - Alexander, the Great

Diamonds - Julius Caesar

* 111,111,111 x 111,111,111= 12,345,678,987,654,321

* If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

* Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4 -- John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

* Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of Their birthplace

* Most boat owners name their boats. The most popular boat name requested is "Obsession"

* If you were to spell out numbers, you have to go until you would find the letter 'A' to the word "One thousand"

* What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers have in common? All were invented by women.

* Honey is the only food that doesn't spoil.

* Father's Day is the day where there are more collect calls than any other day of the year.

* In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phase ...'Goodnight, sleep tight'

* It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

* In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.' It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'

* Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle' is the phrase inspired by this practice.

Results of reading this…

* At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!

and we think that two countries seperated by a common language is bad, think if you were a time traveller...

'Oldest English words' identified

BBC News

09:23 GMT, Thursday, 26 February 2009

London (BBC) - Some of the oldest words in English have been identified, scientists say.

Reading University researchers claim "I", "we", "two" and "three" are among the most ancient, dating back tens of thousands of years.

Their computer model analyses the rate of change of words in English and the languages that share a common heritage.

The team says it can predict which words are likely to become extinct - citing "squeeze", "guts", "stick" and "bad" as probable first casualties.

"We use a computer to fit a range of models that tell us how rapidly these words evolve," said Mark Pagel, an evolutionary biologist at the University of Reading.

"We fit a wide range, so there's a lot of computation involved; and that range then brackets what the true answer is and we can estimate the rates at which these things are replaced through time."

Sound and concept

Across the Indo-European languages - which include most of the languages spoken from Europe to the Asian subcontinent - the vocal sound made to express a given concept can be similar.

New words for a concept can arise in a given language, utilising different sounds, in turn giving a clue to a word's relative age in the language.

At the root of the Reading University effort is a lexicon of 200 words that is not specific to culture or technology, and is therefore likely to represent concepts that have not changed across nations or millennia.

"We have lists of words that linguists have produced for us that tell us if two words in related languages actually derive from a common ancestral word," said Professor Pagel.

"We have descriptions of the ways we think words change and their ability to change into other words, and those descriptions can be turned into a mathematical language," he added.

The researchers used the university's IBM supercomputer to track the known relations between words, in order to develop estimates of how long ago a given ancestral word diverged in two different languages.

They have integrated that into an algorithm that will produce a list of words relevant to a given date.

"You type in a date in the past or in the future and it will give you a list of words that would have changed going back in time or will change going into the future," Professor Pagel told BBC News.

"From that list you can derive a phrasebook of words you could use if you tried to show up and talk to, for example, William the Conqueror."

That is, the model provides a list of words that are unlikely to have changed from their common ancestral root by the time of William the Conqueror.

Words that have not diverged since then would comprise similar sounds to their modern descendants, whose meanings would therefore probably be recognisable on sound alone.

However, the model cannot offer a guess as to what the ancestral words were. It can only estimate the likelihood that the sound from a modern English word might make some sense if called out during the Battle of Hastings.

Dirty business

What the researchers found was that the frequency with which a word is used relates to how slowly it changes through time, so that the most common words tend to be the oldest ones.

For example, the words "I" and "who" are among the oldest, along with the words "two", "three", and "five". The word "one" is only slightly younger.

The word "four" experienced a linguistic evolutionary leap that makes it significantly younger in English and different from other Indo-European languages.

Meanwhile, the fastest-changing words are projected to die out and be replaced by other words much sooner.

For example, "dirty" is a rapidly changing word; currently there are 46 different ways of saying it in the Indo-European languages, all words that are unrelated to each other. As a result, it is likely to die out soon in English, along with "stick" and "guts".

Verbs also tend to change quite quickly, so "push", "turn", "wipe" and "stab" appear to be heading for the lexicographer's chopping block.

Again, the model cannot predict what words may change to; those linguistic changes are according to Professor Pagel "anybody's guess".

High fidelity

"We think some of these words are as ancient as 40,000 years old. The sound used to make those words would have been used by all speakers of the Indo-European languages throughout history," Professor Pagel said.

"Here's a sound that has been connected to a meaning - and it's a mostly arbitrary connection - yet that sound has persisted for those tens of thousands of years."

The work casts an interesting light on the connection between concepts and language in the human brain, and provides an insight into the evolution of a dynamic set of words.

"If you've ever played 'Chinese whispers', what comes out the end is usually gibberish, and more or less when we speak to each other we're playing this massive game of Chinese whispers. Yet our language can somehow retain its fidelity."

how NOT to use the web effectively while on vacation...

Man gets $27,000 phone bill after watching Bears game on web

By Chris Chase – Yahoo! Sports

Wed Feb 25, 2009 6:29 pm EST

On November 2, Wayne Burdick (not pictured) was aboard a cruise ship in Miami waiting to depart on a Caribbean cruise. While still docked at the port, he set up his laptop and wireless card and accessed his Slingbox device which allowed him to watch a Chicago Bears game via an Internet connection. When the game was over, Burdick closed his computer, embarked on the cruise and returned home to find a bill from AT&T charging him over $27,000 for the three hours of Internet usage.

Apparently, AT&T had charged Brudick the international rate for the access. At two cents per kilobyte, the total charge was $27,788.93 for the time spent watching the game, which breaks down to about $6,500 per Rex Grossman interception.

Burdick pled his case to AT&T, saying he was still at the port and not in roaming territory. After speaking with nearly a half-dozen people at the company, he managed to get the bill down to $6,000, even though he provided documentation that he was still technically in Miami at the time he used his wireless card.

Eventually, the whole matter was settled after Burdick contacted Team Fixer at the Chicago Sun-Times and they contacted the phone company. AT&T acknowledged its mistake, saying that Burdick's device was picking up a signal it shouldn't have been.

At least Burdick's efforts were worth it. The Bears beat the Lions that afternoon, 27-23.

The Mayonnaise Jar & 2 Beers

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 beers.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes!"

The professor then produced two bottles of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents of both bottles into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things -- your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions -- and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

"The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car."

"The sand is everything else -- the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you."

"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Spend time with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first -- the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand. "Pardon my ignorance sir, but what does the beer represent?"

The professor smiled and said, "I'm glad you asked. The beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers with a friend..."

Cell phones, don't you just love them???

Traveling down the interstate and needing to use the restroom, I stop at a rest area and head to the restroom.

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying, "Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom and I don't know what got into me, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"

And the other person says, "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say, "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question, "Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them, "No..I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the person say nervously, "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions..."

Cell phones, don't you just love them???

a little humor from Ben and Jerry's...YES PECAN! YES PECAN! YES PECAN! gets corny after saying it a few times...

Ben & Jerry invented "Yes Pecan!" ice cream for Obama and then asked people to do the following…

Finish the sentence “For George W. they created…“

Here are some of their favorites…

• Grape Depression


• Abu Grape


• Cluster Fudge


• Nut'n Accomplished


• Iraqi Road


• Chock 'n Awe


• WireTapioca


• Impeach Cobbler


• Guantanmallow


• ImPeachmint


• Heck of a Job, Brownie!


• Neocon Politan


• RockyRoad to Fascism


• The Reese's-cession


• Cookie D'oh!


• The Housing Crunch


• Nougalar Proliferation


• Death by Chocolate... and Torture


• Credit Crunch


• Country Pumpkin


• Chunky Monkey in Chief


• George Bush Doesn't Care About Dark Chocolate


• WM Delicious


• Chocolate Chimp


• Bloody Sundae


• Caramel Preemptive Stripe


• I broke the law and am responsible for the deaths of thousands...with nuts.

See Ben & Jerry’s site @ http://www.benjerry.com/

I wonder if they could prove it if they found several little torches about the place from the last encore....

Stonehenge was 'giant concert venue'

A university professor who is an expert in sound and a part-time DJ believes Stonehenge was created as a dance arena for listening to "trance-style" music.

London Telegraph (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/)

Last Updated: 10:10PM GMT 04 Jan 2009

London - The monument has baffled archaeologists who have argued for decades over the stone circle's 5,000-year history but academic Rupert Till believes he has solved the riddle by suggesting it may have been used for ancient raves.

Mr Till, an expert in acoustics and music technology at Huddersfield University, West Yorks., believes the standing stones had the ideal acoustics to amplify a "repetitive trance rhythm".

The original Stonehenge probably had a "very pleasant, almost concert-like acoustic" that our ancestors slowly perfected over many generations

Because Stonehenge itself is partially collapsed, Dr Till, from York, North Yorks., used a computer model to conduct experiments in sound.

The most exciting discoveries came when he and colleague Dr Bruno Fazenda visited a full-size concrete replica of Stonehenge, with all the original stones intact, which was built as a war memorial by American road builder Sam Hill at Maryhill in Washington state.

Although the replica has not previously gained any attention from archaeologists studying the original site, it was ideal for Dr Till's work.

He said: "We were able to get some interesting results when we visited the replica by using computer-based acoustic analysis software, a 3D soundfield microphone, a dodecahedronic speaker, and a huge bass speaker from a PA company.

"By comparing results from paper calculations, computer simulations based on digital models, and results from the concrete Stonehenge copy, we were able to come up with some of these theories about the uses of Stonehenge.

"We have also been able to reproduce the sound of someone speaking or clapping in Stonehenge 5,000 years ago.

"The most interesting thing is we managed to get the whole space (at Maryhill) to resonate, almost like a wine glass will ring if you run a finger round it.

"While that was happening a simple drum beat sounded incredibly dramatic. The space had real character; it felt that we had gone somewhere special."

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/scienceandtechnology/science/sciencenews/4108867/Stonehenge-was-giant-concert-venue.html

before they were famous...

Barbra Streisand’s first performance was as a Chocolate Chip Cookie.

Gloria Steinem was a magician's assistant,

Cindy Williams - a waitress at "International House of Pancakes"

George C. Scott taught at an all-women's college.

John Travolta was a grocery store cashier

Clint Eastwood was a hay baler.

John Wayne, at one time was a studio prop man.

Ashton Kutcher swept the floor at a General Mills factory

George Clooney was a radio D.J.

Rock Hudson drove a truck

Gene Kelly was an apprentice bricklayer.

James Caan worked as a lifeguard.

Steve McQueen sold encyclopedias door-to-door.

Samuel Goldwyn was a forest ranger

Michael Clarke Duncan, a security guard at a Hollywood poker club.

George Segal, a jazz musician.

Grover Cleveland was a store clerk

Gerald Ford assisted a blacksmith

Thomas Paine was a tax collector

Ronald Reagan was a cook

Lyndon Johnson – a janitor

Benito Mussolini taught school

Malcolm X pedaled drugs

Yul Brynner swung from a trapeze (he was a circus performer…)

(and the most bizarre of all in my mind…) Evel Kneivel, stunt man extraordinaire who broke just about every bone in his body at one time or another -- sold insurance!!

from the mind of Martin Luther King, Jr.

“A nation or civilization that continues to produce soft minded men purchases its own spiritual death on the installment plan. A nation that continues

year after year to spend more money on military defense than on programs of social uplift is approaching spiritual doom.”

"Everything that we see is a shadow cast by that which we do not see. Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted. Never forget that everything Hitler did in Germany was legal. He who passively accepts evil is as much involved in it as he who helps to perpetrate it. He who accepts evil without protesting against it is really cooperating with it.”

“We may have all come on different ships, but we're in the same boat now.”

word play!

• The longest word in English dictionaries at 45 letters long is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.
• The longest English word that does not contain the letter 'e' is floccinaucinihilipilification at 29 letters. Cabbaged and fabaceae, at 8 letters apiece, are the longest words that can be played on a musical instrument!

• Aegilops, 8 letters long, is the longest word with its letters arranged in alphabetical order.

• Spoonfed, 9 letters long, is the longest with its letters arranged in reverse alphabetical order.

• CIMICIC and CIMICID, are the longest words exclusively made up of Roman numerals in upper case and among such words the "highest” are MIMIC at 1,999 and IMMIX at 1,909.

• Honorificabilitudinitatibus is the longest word consisting strictly of alternating consonants and vowels.

• Dermatoglyphics, misconjugatedly and uncopyrightable, each 15 letters long, are the longest in which no letter appears more than once.
• Unprosperousness and esophagographers fill the bill for the longest word in which each letter occurs at least twice.
• Discrete – discreet, is the longest homophonic anagram, (or 2 words composed of the same letters that are spelled differently but sound the same.)
• the longest palindrome (reading the same backwards and forwards) is redivider.
• The longest words that are reverse images of each other are stressed and desserts.
• The longest (and only) word that contains all vowels including 'y' in alphabetical order is facetiously.
• The longest single syllable with a single vowel is strengths.
• The longest word with each vowel in reverse alphabetical order is subcontinental.
• This may be everyone’s favorite after this: Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the fear of long words!

make a woman angry -- There will be Hell to pay later!

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her. "Hello - How are you!" they said. "We've been aiting for you! Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "L-o-v-e."

"Here you go" said St. Peter, and he welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer, eh? How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia..."

almond joy's got nuts, mounds dont....

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom."

The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum..."

Why we do love children...

1) NUDITY -- I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

2) OPINIONS -- On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

3) KETCHUP -- A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

4) MORE NUDITY -- A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

5) POLICE #1 -- While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?"

"Yes," I answered and continued writing the report.

"My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?"

"Yes, that's right," I told her.

"Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

6) POLICE #2 -- It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.

"Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.

"It sure is," I replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

7) ELDERLY -- While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

8) DRESS-UP -- A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."

"And why not, darling?" her daddy replied.

"You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning..."

9) DEATH -- While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son, and into the hole he goes."

10) SCHOOL -- A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!"

11) BIBLE -- A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

"Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" she replied.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

Attributed to that little philosopher A. Nonnny Mouse

I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one

--Anonymous

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

--Anonymous

Heimlich redoux

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?"

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. The other hillbilly says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"