GWB in Hell...

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.  "I don't know what to do," says the devil.  "You're on my list but I have no room for you.  But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do.  I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you.  I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.  I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.  The devil opened the first room.  In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water.  He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over.  Such was his fate in hell.  "No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room.  In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks.  All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.  "No!  I've got this problem with my shoulder.  I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.

The devil opened a third door.  In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose.  Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.  Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"

Bear with us and other stories and such...

A Priest, a Baptist preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of a major Midwestern college and would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.  One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to conduct an experiment:  They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.  Seven days later, they would all get together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages, went first. "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find a bear.  And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.  That bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around.  So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb.  The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next.  He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip.  In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, as you know, WE don't sprinkle!  I went out and I FOUND a bear.  And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD!   But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.  So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle.  We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek.  I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul.  And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.  We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed.  He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

****************************************************
THE IRISH MEDICAL DICTIONARY
Artery......................... The study of paintings
Barium......................... What doctors do when patients die
Benign......................... What you be, after you be eight
Cauterize...................... Made  eye contact with her
Dilate......................... ...To live long
Fester...........................Quicker than someone else
Fibula.......................... . A small lie
Labor Pain.....................Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff.................. A Doctor's cane
Morbid.......................... . A higher offer
Node........................... ...I knew it
Outpatient..................... .A person who has fainted
Post Operative................ A letter carrier

*********************************************
IT ALL ADDS UP

Teaching math in the US in the...:

1950’s:  A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.  His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.  What is his profit?

1960’s:  A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.  His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80.  What is his profit?

1970’s:  A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.  His cost of production is $80.  Did he make a profit?

1980’s:  A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.  His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.  Your assignment:  Underline the number 20.

1990’s:  A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.  He does this so he can make a profit of $20.  What do you think of this way of making a living?  Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes?  (There are no wrong answers.)

Teaching math in the US in the 21st Century:  Un ranchero vende una carretera de madera para $100.   El cuesto de la producción era $80. Cuantos dollares se puede comprar?

**************************************************

Children in church - you gotta love kids!

A little boy was in a relative's wedding.  As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd.  While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar.  So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle.

As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.  When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."

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One Sunday in a Midwest City, a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour.  The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle.  Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.  Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me!  Pray for me!"

----------------------------------------

One particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

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A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.  I'm having a real good time like I am."

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A Sunday School teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

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A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them.  Then something fell out of the Bible.  He picked it up and looked at it closely.  It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages.

"Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, "It's Adam's suit."

----------------------------------------

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went.  Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.

After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

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Six-year old Angie and her four-year old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church.  Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.

Finally, his big sister had had enough.  "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church," she said.
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

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A grandson was visiting his grandma one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"
The grandmother mentally polished her halo, while she asked, "No, how are we alike?"
"You're both old," he replied.

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A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible.  Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus?  The Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"

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A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments.  They were ready to discuss the last one.  The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.  Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."

FINALLY SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a spot on their foreheads. 
We have always naively thought that it had something to do with the Hindu religion practiced in the area.  The true story has recently been revealed by the Indian Embassy in Washington, D.C. 

When one of these women get married, she brings with her, a dowry.  On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the spot to see if he has won either a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in the United States.

Just thought you would like to know.

The Old Poodle

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a safari in Africa, and she takes along her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles for company.  One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies, and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.  Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.  

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh!  I'm in deep doo-doo now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.  Just as the leopard is about to leap upon him, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard!  I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him, and he slinks away into the trees.  "Whew!  That was close!  That old poodle nearly had me!" says the leopard.

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.  So, off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.  The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans, and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.  The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" 
Instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet. 
Just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says, "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Moral of this story -- Don't mess with old farts - age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!  Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience!  I am in no way insinuating that any of you reading this are old, some are just more "youth challenged" than others!!!  To those of you who are NOT "youth challenged," there's a lesson here for you also -- beware of old poodles - they aren't always unaware of what's going on around them. 

newspaper ads!

Actual newspaper ads:

1.) FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites
2.) FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
3.) FREE PUPPIES... Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog.
4.) FREE GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German.
5.) FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat; been out awhile. Better be
a reward.
6.) NORDIC TRACK: $300 hardly used, call Chubby.
7.) GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents lb.
8.) JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300.
9.) WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE. Call Stephanie.
10.) FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica - 45
volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed,
got married last month. Wife knows everything.

Happy Memorial Day!

Three years after the Civil War ended, on May 5,1868, the head of an organization of Union veterans called the Grand Army of the Republic (GAR) established Decoration Day as a time for the nation to decorate the graves of the war dead with flowers, however, Major General John A. Logan declared it should be May 30.  It is believed the date was chosen because flowers would be in bloom all over the country. The first large observance was held that year at Arlington National Cemetery, across the Potomac River from Washington, D.C.  The ceremonies centered around the mourning-draped veranda of the Arlington mansion, once the home of General Robert E. Lee.  General and Mrs. Ulysses S. Grant and other Washington officials presided.  After the speeches, children from the Soldiers' and Sailors' Orphan Home and members of the GAR made their way through the cemetery, strewing flowers on both Union and Confederate graves, reciting prayers and singing hymns.

Prior to 1868, local springtime tributes to the Civil War dead had been held in other places.  One of the first occurred in Columbus, MS on April 25, 1866, when a group of women visited a cemetery to decorate the graves of Confederate soldiers who had fallen in battle at Shiloh.  Nearby were the graves of Union soldiers, neglected because they were the enemy.  Disturbed at the sight of the bare graves, the women placed some of their flowers on those graves, as well.

Today, many cities claim to be the birthplace of Memorial Day.  Both Macon and Columbus, GA, claim the title, as well as Richmond, VA.  The village of Boalsburg, PA, claims it began there two years earlier.  A stone in a Carbondale, IL, cemetery carries the statement that the first Decoration Day ceremony took place there on April 29, 1866.  Approximately 25 places have been named in connection with the origin of Memorial Day, many of them in the South where most of the war dead were buried.

In 1966, Congress and President Lyndon Johnson declared Waterloo, N.Y., the "birthplace" of Memorial Day.  By the end of the 19th century, Memorial Day ceremonies were being held on May 30 throughout the nation.  State legislatures passed proclamations designating the day.  The Army and Navy adopted regulations for proper observance at their facilities.  It was not until after World War I, however, that Decoration Day was expanded to honor those who have died in all American wars.

In 1971, Memorial Day was declared a national holiday by an act of Congress, though it is still often called Decoration Day.  It was then also placed on the last Monday in May, as were some other federal holidays. 

Don't just shop - Remember those who gave their lives for us.
Happy Memorial Day!

Chinese in 3 minutes

Learn Chinese in 3 minutes....... READ OUT LOUD

    The English Phrase...                               Translates as...
=====================================================
1.)  That is not right                          Sum-Ting Wong
2.)  Are you harboring a fugitive?                      Hu-Yu Hai-Ding
3.)  See me ASAP                                Kum Hia Nao
4.)  Stupid Man                                 Dum Fuk
5.)  Small Horse                                        Tai-Ni Po-Ni
6.)  Did you go to the beach?                   Wai-Yu So Tan
7.)  I bumped into a coffee table                       Ai Bang Mai Fa-Kin Ni
8.)  I think you need a face lift                       Chin Tu Fat
9.)  It is very dark in here                            Wao So Dim
10.)  I thought you were on a diet                      Wai-Yu Mun-Ching
11.)  This is a tow away zone                   No Pah-King
12.)  Our meeting is scheduled for next week    Wai Yu Kum Nao
13.)  Staying out of sight                              Lei-Ying Lo
14.)  He is cleaning his automobile             Wa-Shing Ka
15.)  Your body odor is offensive                       Yu Stin-Ki-Pu
16.)  Great                                     Fa-Kin Su-Pa

Something veeerrrrryyyy interesting...

The New Economics of Renting a Car
The Wall Street Journal Online
By Avery Johnson

Compacts Can Now Cost More Than SUVs As High Gas Prices Damp Demand for Large Vehicles

Rising gas prices are leading to some funky economics at the rental-car counter: Prices are dropping on SUVs and big luxury cars, and increasing for the cramped, compact models that are now in greater demand.

In some cases, it's becoming cheaper this spring to rent a Jeep than a Taurus. In Boston, for example, Avis, owned by Cendant Corp., is renting SUVs for less than a subcompact: For pickup today and return tomorrow, a subcompact (like a Chevrolet Aveo) is $70.99, while an intermediate SUV (like a Pontiac Vibe) is $62.99 (not including taxes and fees). At Vanguard Car Rental USA Inc.'s Alamo brand, a search for cars at the Washington, D.C., Union Station location to pick up today and return tomorrow finds that a compact (like the Chevrolet Cobalt) costs $82.90 per day, while a midsize SUV (like the Chevrolet Equinox) is $71.90 (not including tax). At Enterprise Rent-A-Car Co.'s Los Angeles Airport location, it costs less to rent an SUV like a Chevrolet Trailblazer ($37.24) tomorrow and return it Thursday than it does to take out a sedan like a Pontiac G6 ($41).

Historically, the situation has been just the opposite. Rental car companies have been able to command significant premiums on SUVs, often up to twice the daily charge for a sedan. But now that gas prices have reached $3 a gallon, consumers are increasingly shunning the gas guzzlers. Demand has soared for smaller fuel-efficient cars, leading some rental agencies to raise prices. Edith Mancilla, the area manager Anaheim and Orange, Calif., branches of Dollar Rent A Car, says she's renting 40% fewer SUVs this spring than she did previously. It's caused her to drop the price of her standard SUVs $49, from an average of $64 last year, and raise the price of her compact cars, from $25.99 last year to about $34 now.

"We have a lot of SUVs just sitting here, and we're running out of compact cars because no one wants to pay the gas for a large car," says Ms. Mancilla. "We have to put customers in SUVs even if they don't want them."

Don Himelfarb, chief administrative officer at Dollar Thrifty Automotive Group Inc., which owns the Dollar and Thrifty brands, says that fleet availability and rates in each city are unique and are based on capacity and competition, but no program exists to price SUVs less than cars that are comparable in cost.

Ken Buja, a 42-year-old computer programmer from Washington, D.C., took a trip to San Francisco and the Yosemite area earlier this month, and booked a Dodge Neon compact. He wanted a small, fuel-efficient car because he would be driving more than 600 miles and wanted to be able to park easily when he completed his trip in San Francisco. But when he got to the Dollar location to pick up the car, he was handed the keys to a Jeep Wrangler -- for the same price ($100 for six days, before tax) as the Neon. Even though he was getting more car for his money, he says, the offer "was unacceptable."

"I would be driving long distances and needed something that would be fuel-efficient," he explains. After protesting, he eventually got the keys to a smaller Chrysler Sebring.

The glut in big rental cars is being exacerbated this spring by the traditional decision by many rental-car companies to fill their lots with family-friendly cars like SUVs and minivans in advance of the summer travel season. Those cars aren't yet being greeted by heavy high-season demand. Hertz Corp., for example, has about 5% more vehicles for rent now than it did a couple months ago, but is seeing weaker demand growth than it did this time last year.

If a dog was the teacher you would learn stuff like:

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

Take naps.
Stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout..  Run right back and make friends.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.

Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

Young Johnny's note...

A FATHER PASSING BY HIS SON'S BEDROOM WAS ASTONISHED TO SEE THE BED WAS NICELY MADE AND EVERYTHING WAS PICKED UP.  THEN HE SAW AN ENVELOPE PROPPED UP PROMINENTLY ON THE CENTER OF THE BED.  

IT WAS ADDRESSED, "DAD."  WITH THE WORST PREMONITION, HE OPENED THE ENVELOPE AND READ THE LETTER WITH TREMBLING HANDS:

DEAR DAD,

IT IS WITH GREAT REGRET AND SORROW THAT I'M WRITING THIS.  I HAD TO ELOPE WITH MY NEW GIRLFRIEND BECAUSE I WANTED TO AVOID A SCENE WITH MOM AND YOU.  I'VE BEEN FINDING REAL PASSION WITH BARBARA AND SHE IS SO NICE EVEN WITH ALL HER PIERCING, TATTOOS, AND HER TIGHT MOTORCYCLE CLOTHES.  

BUT IT'S  NOT ONLY THE PASSION DAD, SHE'S PREGNANT AND BARBARA SAID THAT WE WILL BE VERY HAPPY EVEN THOUGH YOU DON'T CARE FOR HER AS SHE IS MUCH OLDER THAN I.  SHE ALREADY OWNS A TRAILER IN THE WOODS AND HAS A STACK OF FIREWOOD FOR THE WHOLE WINTER.  SHE WANTS TO HAVE MANY MORE CHILDREN WITH ME AND THAT'S NOW ONE OF MY DREAMS.

BARBARA TAUGHT ME THAT MARIJUANA DOESN'T REALLY HURT ANYONE, AND WE'LL BE GROWING IT FOR OURSELVES AND TRADING IT WITH HER FRIENDS FOR ALL THE COCAINE AND ECSTASY WE WANT.  IN THE MEANTIME, WE'LL PRAY THAT SCIENCE WILL FIND A CURE FOR AIDS, SO BARBARA CAN GET BETTER; SHE SURE DESERVES IT!!

DON'T WORRY DAD, I'M 15 YEARS OLD NOW AND I KNOW HOW TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.  SOMEDAY I'M SURE WE'LL BE BACK TO VISIT SO YOU CAN GET TO KNOW YOUR GRANDCHILDREN.

YOUR SON,
JOHNNY

P.S.  DAD, NONE OF THIS IS TRUE.  I'M OVER AT THE NEIGHBOR'S HOUSE.  I JUST WANTED TO REMIND YOU THAT THERE ARE WORSE THINGS IN LIFE THAN MY REPORT CARD THAT'S IN MY DESK CENTER DRAWER.  

I LOVE YOU!
CALL WHEN IT'S SAFE FOR ME TO COME HOME.

Women are so much smarter than men (in certain aspects of life)

When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.  So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

“I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said as he walked up to her, “but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I’ll inherit 20 million dollars.”

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.

The antics of a Wyoming State Trooper...

Wyoming, in most cases known as the world's largest speed trap, sometimes produces interesting antics, such as this…

In most of the northern states, there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperatures drop in the single digits or below.  One morning in March 2004 about 3 a.m., a Wyoming state trooper responded to a call of a car off the shoulder on the outside of the town of Casper.

The trooper located the car, with the engine still running, stuck in the deep snow along side the highway.  Pulling in behind it with his emergency lights on, the officer walked to the driver's door to find a man passed out behind the wheel and a near empty bottle of vodka in the seat beside him.

The trooper tapped on the window and the driver woke up, seeing the rotating lights in his rear view mirror and the state policeman standing next to his car, the man panicked.  He jerked the gearshift into drive and hit the gas.  The car's speedometer was showing 20-30-40 then 50 mph, but it was still stuck in the snow.

The trooper, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding, but still stationary, car.  The driver was totally freaked, thinking the officer was actually keeping up with him.  This goes on for about 30 seconds when the trooper yelled at the man ordering him to "pull over!" the driver obeyed, turned his wheel, and stopped the engine.

Once out of the car the drunken driver asked about the trooper's special training and just how he could possibly run 50 mph.  The man was arrested, still believing that a trooper had outrun his car.

So much for pathos...

The world's shortest fairy tale:
Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy, "Will you marry me?"
The guy said, "No."
The girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, stayed skinny and farted whenever she wanted.  The end.

Happy Mother's Day!

Perhaps the origin of Mother's Day goes back to Roman or even prehistoric times.  In prehistoric times, there was a spring Pagan festival, called Hilaria, honoring the mother goddess, Cybele.  Later, during the development of Lent, the fourth Sunday was also called Mothering Sunday, in recognition of Mary.  It became customary for people to offer small gifts or cakes to their mothers on this day. 

In modern times, a woman, Anna Jarvis, introduced the concept of a non-secular celebration of mothers.  Shortly after her own mother died, she started a large letter writing campaign to institute a celebration of mothers.  In response to Jarvis' request, Dr. Howard, a minister in Grafton, West Virginia dedicated a Sunday to mothers.  Mrs. Jarvis' favorite flowers, carnations, were supplied to the parishioners by Anna.  Also on May 10, 1908, a church in Philadelphia inaugurated their Mother's Day celebration with the same practice of supplying their female parishioners with carnations.

In 1914, a resolution was passed in congress establishing the second Sunday in May to be officially recognized as Mother's Day.

** Happy Mother's day to my own mother, to my lovely wife, mother of our wonderful child, and to all "E-Moms" out there!!! ** s

Cheesemakers create "Stilton" perfume

Fri May 12, 2006 11:53AM ET

LONDON (Reuters) - Some say Britain's pungent blue-veined Stilton cheese smells of old socks. But its fans have turned the rare odor into a perfume.

The Stilton Cheese Makers Association commissioned an aromatics firm to create Eau de Stilton, described on the association's Web site as featuring a "symphony of natural base notes including Yarrow, Angelica seed, Clary Sage and Valerian."

"Blue Stilton cheese has a very distinctive mellow aroma and our perfumier was able to capture the key essence of that scent and recreate it in an unusual but highly wearable perfume," said an association spokesman.

The perfume will be available from www.stiltoncheese.com.

Men Pay the Ultimate Price to Attract Women

Robert Roy Britt
LiveScience Managing Editor
LiveScience.com
Thu May 11, 11:00 AM ET

While it is tough to be a woman, being a man can be downright deadly.

Women live longer than men. And now scientists suggest a simple Darwinian reason: Competing for a mate can wear a guy out or get him killed.

"Women live longer in almost every country, and the sex difference in lifespan has been recognized since at least the mid-18th century," said Daniel Kruger at the University of Michigan. "It isn't a recent trend; it originates from our deep evolutionary history."

The idea is presented in the spring edition of the journal Human Nature.

Butting heads

In common chimpanzees, Kruger and his colleague Randolph Nesse report, mortality spikes among males around age 13, just as they're old enough to breed and start competing for social status.

Males of many species must fight vigorously for the right to mate. Think of rams butting heads. Spectacular male bird plumage is another example of biological effort required to succeed, effort that uses energy and can shorten a life. 

In this scheme of natural selection, evolution shapes traits that help the best genes survive, sometimes to the detriment of individuals.

Human males don't always have to wrestle to get a woman these days, but the pressure to succeed sexually hasn't changed much, the researchers argue. Only the methods have been revised.

Drop your club

Though society may be changing dramatically even from this generation compared to the last, some things never change. Women still have to bear the greatest burden of raising a family—giving birth—and often take on more of the day-to-day responsibilities for the ensuing 18 years. So just as in ancient times, they remain very choosy in selecting a mate.

Now, if you buy all this logic, here's the critical part: To impress women, men remain prone to risky behavior, just as they have been for millennia and just as other male animals are.

In caveman days, being good with a club was one way to get a mate. Now, the ability to purchase a blinged-out SUV has similar value, the scientists suggest.

"Men compete for resources and social status, which are criteria men are valued for in mate selection," Kruger told LiveScience.

Own worst enemy

The pressures of mate selection might be most intense for those just coming into adulthood. And likewise the recklessness of youth, as previous researchers have suggested, is a foundation for human social systems. Young men form the front lines in wars, for example.

One old study on the topic put it this way: "Lacking the opportunity for warfare, some [young adult men] will find other ways to place their lives at risk."

Another study last year, reported in the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health, reached similar conclusions. It cited "excessive risk taking, aggression, and the suppression of emotions by boys and young men" as being directly related to lower life expectancy in men.

Among the not-so-beneficial behaviors this includes are smoking, reckless driving and violence, Kruger and Nesse write. This idea is reinforced by data that show low social status has a greater impact on male mortality rates than on those of women: Men of lower status or who lack a mate are more likely to engage in a riskier pattern of behaviors, Kruger said.

The perfect night, the perfect "catch"

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table.  He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.  Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.  He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, gets up, walks to her table, and hands it back to her.

"Oh my, I am so sorry." the woman says as she pops her eye back in place, "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you."

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks.  They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his, and she listens.  After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.  They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast meal with all the trimmings.  The guy is amazed!  Everything had been SO incredible!!!!  "You know, "he said, "you are the perfect woman.  Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "

"No," she replies, "You just happened to catch my eye."

A wish for hard work, humility, and those old-fashioned things...

This has been credited to Paul Harvey, but it may not be his…besides, common sense is not limited to a certain gender, political affiliation, race, etc., so, take it as you will…

We tried so hard to make things better for our kids that we made them worse.  For my grandchildren, I'd like better.  I'd really like for them to know about hand me down clothes and homemade ice cream and leftover meat loaf sandwiches.  I really would.

I hope you learn humility by being humiliated, and that you learn honesty by being cheated.  I hope you learn to make your own bed and mow the lawn and wash the car.  And I really hope nobody gives you a brand new car when you are sixteen.

It will be good if at least one time you can see puppies born and your old dog put to sleep.
I hope you get a black eye fighting for something you believe in.
I hope you have to share a bedroom with your younger brother/sister.  And it's all right if you have to draw a line down the middle of the room, but when he/she wants to crawl under the covers with you because he/she's scared, I hope you let him/her.

When you want to see a movie and your little brother/sister wants to tag along, I hope you'll let him/her.  I hope you have to walk uphill to school with your friends and that you live in a town where you can do it safely.

On rainy days when you have to catch a ride, I hope you don't ask your driver to drop you two blocks away so you won't be seen riding with someone as uncool as your Mom.

If you want a slingshot, I hope your Dad teaches you how to make one instead of buying one.  I hope you learn to dig in the dirt and read books.

When you learn to use computers, I hope you also learn to add and subtract in your head.
I hope you get teased by your friends when you have your first crush on a boy\girl, and when you talk back to your mother that you learn what ivory soap tastes like.

May you skin your knee climbing a mountain, burn your hand on a stove and stick your tongue on a frozen flagpole.
I don't care if you try a beer once, but I hope you don't like it.  And if a friend offers you dope or a joint, I hope you realize he is not your friend.

I sure hope you make time to sit on a porch with your Grandma/Grandpa and go fishing with your Uncle.
May you feel sorrow at a funeral and joy during the holidays.
I hope your mother punishes you when you throw a baseball through your neighbor's window and that she hugs you and kisses you at Hannukah/Christmas time when you give her a plaster mold of your hand.

These things I wish for you - tough times and disappointment, hard work and happiness.  To me, it's the only way to appreciate life.

Written with a pen. Sealed with a kiss. I'm here for you.  And if I die before you do, I'll go to heaven and wait for you.

Share this with all of your friends.  We secure our friends, not by accepting favors, but by doing them.

Apples and Grapes

Women are like apples on trees.  The best ones are at the top of the tree.  Most men don't want to reach for the good ones  because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt.  Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.  The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing.  They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.  Share this with women who are good apples, even those who have already been picked!

Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine.  They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Pet Rules

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food.  The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.  Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed.  I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom.  If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years--canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt.  I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.  (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Usually come when called
5. Never drive your car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

Fun with sensitive religious creation myth...

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.  So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"
"I don't have anyone to talk to," Adam said.  
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.  He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.  She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.  She will praise you!  She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.  She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
Of course the rest is history...................... 

Happy Cinco de Mayo!

The holiday of Cinco de Mayo, The 5th of May, commemorates the victory of the Mexican militia over the French army at The Battle Of Puebla in 1862.  It is not, as many people think, Mexico's Independence Day, which is actually September 16.

The battle at Puebla in 1862 happened at a violent and chaotic time in Mexico's history.  Mexico had finally gained independence from Spain in 1821 after a difficult and bloody struggle, and a number of internal political takeovers and wars, including the Mexican-American War (1846-1848) and the Mexican Civil War of 1858, had ruined the national economy.

During this period of struggle Mexico had accumulated heavy debts to several nations, including Spain, England and France, who were demanding repayment.  France was eager to add to its empire at that time, and used the debt issue to move forward with goals of establishing its own leadership in Mexico.  Realizing France's intent of empire expansion, Spain and England withdrew their support.  When Mexico finally stopped making any loan payments, France took action on it's own to install Napoleon's relative, Archduke Maximilian of Austria, as ruler of French-owned Mexico and invaded Mexico.  Although American President Abraham Lincoln was sympathetic to Mexico's cause, the U.S. was involved in its own Civil War at the time and was unable to provide any direct assistance.

Marching on toward Mexico City, the French army encountered strong resistance at the Mexican forts of Loreto and Guadalupe.  Lead by Mexican General Ignacio Zaragoza Seguin, a small, poorly armed militia estimated at 4,500 men were able to stop and defeat a well outfitted French army of 6,500 soldiers, which stopped the invasion of the country on May 5, 1862.  The victory was a glorious moment for Mexican patriots, which at the time helped to develop a needed sense of national unity, and is the cause for the historical date's celebration.

Unfortunately, the victory was short lived.  Upon hearing the bad news, Napoleon found an excuse to send more troops overseas to try and invade Mexico again, even against the wishes of the French populace (sound familiar?)  30,000 more troops and a full year later, the French were eventually able to depose the Mexican army, take over Mexico City and install Maximilian as the ruler of Mexico.

Maximilian's rule of Mexico was also short lived, from 1864 to 1867.  With the American Civil War now over, the U.S. began to provide more political and military assistance to Mexico to expel the French.  So despite the eventual French invasion of Mexico City, Cinco de Mayo honors the bravery and victory of General Zaragoza's small, outnumbered militia at the Battle of Puebla in 1862. 

So, there you have it! The history behind Cinco de Mayo.

Happy Cinco de Mayo!

Apartment Rental

A married businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the night with her for $500.  He spends the night with her but before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way to the office he starts thinking of his wife and regrets what he has done, then realizing that the whole event was not worth the price!  So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:

Dear Madam:
Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that;

1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat; and
3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

********
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir,
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady. 

Send the rent in FULL or we will be forced to contact your PRESENT LANDLADY!

Two women talking in heaven...

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I Froze to Death.
2nd woman: How Horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
Guess the guy's goin' ta heck!!! :-D

Just to make you feel old - cause some of this stuff is going on 25 years ago...

You know you grew up in the 80's if......
1.)  You've ever ended a sentence with the word "PSYCHE."
2.)  You can sing the rap to the "Fresh Prince of Bel Air" and can do the "Carlton."
3.)  Girls wore biker shorts under their skirts and felt stylishly sexy.
4.)  Two words: Hammer Pants.
5.)  You wore a ponytail on the side of your head.
6.)  You made your mom buy one of those clips that would hold your shirt in a knot on the side.
7.)  You wore stone washed Jordache jean jackets and were proud of it.
8.)  L.A.Gear....need I say more?
9.)  You remember reading "Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing" and all the Ramona Quimby books.
10.)  You know the profound meaning of "WAX ON, WAX OFF."
11.)  You ever wore fluorescent clothing. (Some of us...head-to-toe).
12.)  You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off and his cheeks shifted.
13.)  You still get the urge to say "NOT" after every sentence.
14.)  You ever owned a pair of Jelly-Shoes (and probably in neon colors, too).
15.)  After you saw "Pee-Wee's Big Adventure" you kept saying "I know you are, but what am I?
16.)  You remember "I've fallen and I can't get up."
17.)  You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates.
18.)  You ever got seriously injured on a Slip and Slide.
19.)  You have played with a Skip-It.
20.)  You had or attended a birthday party at McDonalds.
21.)  You've gone through this nodding your head in agreement.
22.) "Don't worry, be happy."
23.)  You wore, like, EIGHT pairs of socks over tights with high top Reeboks.
24.)  You wore socks scrunched down (and sometimes still do).
25.)  You remember boom boxes.
26.)  You remember Alf, the li'l furry brown alien from Melmac.
27.)  You remember New Kids on the Block when they were cool.
28.)  You know all the words to Bon Jovi's "SHOT THROUGH THE HEART."
29.)  You just sang those words to yourself.
30.)  You remember watching Magic vs. Bird. Oh yeah - it will never be that good again
31.)  Homemade Levi shorts... (The shorter the better.)
32.)  You remember when mullets were cool!
33.)  You had a mullet!
34.)  You still sing "We are the World."
35.)  You tight rolled your jeans.
36.)  You owned a banana clip.
37.)  You remember "Where's the Beef?
38.)  You used to (and probably still do) say "What you talkin' 'bout Willis?"
39.)  You had big hair and you knew how to use it.
40.)  You're still singing "Shot through the Heart" in your head, aren't you!!!

From scoops to nuts...

A man is grocery shopping and asks the clerk, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage."
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, who was clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am.  But let me ask you something, if I had asked for Italian sausage  would you ask me if I was Italian?  Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?  Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?  Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was Mexican?  Would ya, huh? Would ya?"

The clerk says, "Well, no!"
"If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
"Well, I probably wouldn't!"
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I ask for Polish sausage?"

"Because you're in Home Depot."