Psycho Path Voted Wackiest Street Name

Psycho Path Voted Wackiest Street Name

/Fri Feb 24, 7:06 PM ET
/LOS ANGELES (AP) - Farfrompoopen Road, the only road to Constipation
Ridge, lost to Divorce Court and Psycho Path, which placed No. 1 in an
online poll of the nation's wildest, weirdest and wackiest street names.
Mitsubishi Motors sponsored the poll on the Web site
http://www.thecarconnection.com and more than 2,500 voters cast their
ballots during a week of voting that ended this month. Winners were
announced Friday.
"Our readers really stepped up with some insane street names," said Web
site publisher Paul Eisenstein. "Our panel had a difficult time
narrowing several hundred down to the 10 our readers voted on.
"But we learned a lot about the byways of this country, not to mention
the collective sense of humor of city planners everywhere."
In first place was Psycho Path in Traverse City, Mich., followed by
Heather Highlands, Pa.'s, Divorce Court in second and Tennessee's
Farfrompoopen Road in third. Eisenstein said all the roads were
verified, although some are private and hard to find.

The complete top 10 list included:

10. Tater Peeler Road in Lebanon, Texas

9. The intersection of Count and Basie in Richmond, Va.

8. Shades of Death Road in Warren County, N.J.

7. Unexpected Road in Buena, N.J.

6. Bucket of Blood Street in Holbrook, Ariz.

5. The intersection of Clinton and Fidelity in Houston

4. The intersection of Lonesome and Hardup in Albany, Ga.

3. Farfrompoopen Road in Tennessee (the only road up to Constipation Ridge)

2. Divorce Court in Heather Highlands, Pa.

1. Psycho Path in Traverse City, Mich.

The top 10 indicators that your Employer has changed to a cheaper Insurance Plan

10.) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

9.) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."

8.) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

7.) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

6.) The only item listed under Preventative Care coverage is "An Apple A Day."

5.) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

4.) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not a typographical error.

3.) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming"

2.) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED A VERY CHEAP HEALTH CARE PLAN ...

1.) You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a  Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.  He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.  You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.  You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.  Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned!  Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do.  I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.  He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state.  Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women.  One of them was your wife.  Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.  The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."

Medical issues in different countries - a comparison...

An Israeli doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor said "That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor said, "In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, said "Hah! We just took an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country was looking for work the next day!"

I'm gonna buy a hundred of these

http://www.iparklikeanidiot.com/

I'm gonna buy a hundred of these!!!!!
:-D

From the Planetary Society - Commentary: NASA's 2007 Budget Proposal: No Real Vision

Commentary: NASA’s 2007 Budget Proposal: No Real Vision
By Wesley T. Huntress Jr. and Louis Friedman
The Planetary Society
posted: 14 February 2006 07:15 am ET
Let’s put the bottom line right at the top. The Bush administration is unwilling to provide the funds necessary to fulfill its Vision for Space Exploration.

The reasons—whether Iraq, Katrina, or the president didn’t really mean it—don’t matter. The White House wants U.S. obligations to the international space station partners to be honored, the space shuttle flown as many times as necessary to complete the station’s construction, and a replacement for the shuttle (the Crew Exploration Vehicle, or CEV) flying by 2014. All very laudable goals in principle, but not so if the funds are not provided.

The administration has handed these goals to NASA without the funds necessary to accomplish them. NASA’s human spaceflight program was left $3 billion to $5 billion short for flying the desired number of shuttle flights and completing space station construction. This dilemma has forced the NASA administrator to cannibalize the rest of the agency for the money. Last year he tapped aeronautics and technology. This year all that is left to pay the bill is science.

The administration’s 2007 budget proposal removes $3.07 billion from the previously planned five-year run out of the Earth and space science budget. Of this, $2.99 billion is to come from solar system exploration alone — only one of the several science disciplines in NASA and ironically one of the most relevant to human exploration.

This cannot be done without causing serious harm both to robotic exploration and to a space science community that should, and needs to be, a partner with human exploration. As a NASA official once said: “Exploration without science is just tourism.”

In the press conference explaining the budget, officials cited the growth of space science in NASA from about 21 percent of the budget in 1992, to 32 percent today. But, during that same time period, space science has been carrying the agency exploration flag, and the agency has been rightly proud of the productivity of the Earth and space sciences. Missions such as Hubble, Mars Exploration Rovers and Cassini/Huygens are indeed, as NASA Administrator Mike Griffin himself said, the “crown jewels” of NASA.

Griffin vowed never to transfer “one thin dime” from scientific exploration into human spaceflight. He has been forced to renege on that promise. Now, in the administration’s fiscal year 2007 budget request, we have a sudden, wrenching decision to flat-line science, and no soft landing has been provided.

There are to be many delays in science flight programs and many “deferrals beyond the budget horizon” (read cancellation) in others. It’s a long list and you will hear about them all soon enough. There is even to be more “rebalancing” of the Mars program, most of whose growth was removed last year. Missions, technology development and research aimed at Mars exploration have been reduced and eliminated, proving that the agency has all but abandoned the vision’s Mars goal for human spaceflight.

NASA needs reminding that the vision is not just about human spaceflight. The very first goal stated in the vision is to “implement a sustained and affordable human and robotic program to explore the solar system and beyond.” The vision further advocates that we “conduct robotic exploration across the solar system for scientific purposes and to support human exploration.”

But as bad the mission delays and deletions are, this budget proposal makes a full frontal attack on basic science. It proposes to cut NASA’s Earth and space science research grant programs by 15 percent across the board. Astrobiology, NASA’s newest and most innovative research program, is targeted for a 50-percent cut. And all cuts are immediate—today, in the 2006 budget year. Grants are to be reduced immediately, dimming the prospects of many young, motivated students. What kind of message is that to the best and brightest of America’s hopes for a rich technological future? Ironically, this comes days after the president called for increased spending on the physical sciences.

These research programs make NASA’s flight missions possible and turn raw data into discoveries. Without them, the missions are just engineering exercises. The excuse for this unprecedented cut is that since the flight programs are being delayed and deferred, we don’t need the research. Would it have made sense in 1905 to tell Einstein to stop his research and go flip burgers just because we don’t need relativity right now?

A mission loss affects a few institutions, a few scientists and a few congressional districts. But an across-the-board reduction in research grants hurts every Earth and space scientist in the country. These stakeholders reside mostly in universities in a large percentage of congressional districts in the nation. Mission losses aside, this is an assured way to alienate the science community just when its support is so urgently needed.

NASA appears desperate to preserve the illusion of the vision. The administrator’s budget message said about the vision, “we will go as we can afford to pay.” But the administration won’t pay, and NASA is going forward anyway even when they can’t afford to pay for it—by gutting science and robotic exploration. Who will be led to the budget guillotine next year when development costs rise in human spaceflight or if the shuttle suffers more problems?

Wesley T. Huntress, Jr. is president of The Planetary Society and director of the Geophysical Laboratory at Carnegie Institution of Washington; he is the former NASA associate administrator for Space Science. Louis Friedman is executive director of The Planetary Society. He was former congressional science fellow of the Senate Committee on Commerce, Science and Transportation. If you agree with this article, join the Planetary Society's NASA 2007 Budget Letter Writing Campaign.

It's Valentine's Day. Homeland Security has raised the terror alert level to pink & Dave's top 10 on Cheney

From David Letterman's show...
Top Ten Dick Cheney Excuses

10. "Heart palpitation caused trigger finger to spasm"
9. "Wanted to get the Iraq mess off the front page"
8. "Not enough Jim Beam"
7. "Trying to stop the spread of bird flu"
6. "I love to shoot people"
5. "Guy was making cracks about my lesbian daughter"
4. "I thought the guy was trying to go 'gay cowboy' on me"
3. "Excuse? I hit him, didn't I?"
2. "Until Democrats approve Medicare reform, we have to make some tough choices for the elderly"
1. "Made a bet with Gretzky's wife"
---------------------------------------------------
It's Valentine's Day. Homeland Security has raised the terror alert level to pink.
---------------------------------------
From the Wahoo Gazette...
Perhaps if Dick Cheney had served in the military he would be able to handle a weapon a little bit better.
Cheney's excuse for shooting a 78-year old instead of a quail: "Faulty intelligence."
Harry Whittington now says, "On second thought, maybe I shouldn't have worn the quail hat."
Here's my theory about the heart attack . . . . . the guy didn't have one. It's made up. It was merely a way to keep comedians and late night talk show hosts and cartoonists from keep making fun of Cheney. Now that we think a man's life is in danger, we may soften and lose some of the jokes.

A failure to shoot straight

Editorial: A failure to shoot straight
Web Posted: 02/15/2006 12:00 AM CST
San Antonio Express-News
Not since the infamous duel between Aaron Burr and Alexander Hamilton in 1804 has a vice president of the United States so famously discharged a firearm.
The irony is that news of Burr's shot in Weehawken two centuries ago reached the presses faster than Vice President Dick Cheney's shot in Kenedy County during the information age.
What news did emerge — 18 hours after Cheney felled an Austin attorney — didn't come from official sources. It came from ranch owner Katharine Armstrong, who called a reporter at the Corpus Christi Caller-Times.
Cheney's errant shot while quail hunting was, while an accident, at least understandable.
The Bush administration's failure to shoot straight with the public and the media about the incident is neither accidental nor understandable.
It is, however, typical of a White House that has repeatedly demonstrated a tendency to act as though it were unaccountable.

The misadventures of the VP - chronicled by the Daily Show

With no word from Cheney, "The Daily Show" stands in

Dick Cheney still hasn't appeared in public to discuss his accidental shooting of a 78-year-old man, but there are plenty of people willing to speak on the veep's behalf -- among them, Comedy Central's Rob Coddry, playing the role of a "vice president firearms mishap analyst," Corddry explained it all Monday night for "Daily Show" host Jon Stewart:

*Stewart:* Rob, obviously a very unfortunate situation. How is the vice president handling it?
*Corddry:* Jon, tonight the vice president is standing by his decision to shoot Harry Whittington. According to the best intelligence available, there were quail hidden in the brush. Everyone believed at the time there were quail in the brush. And while the quail turned out to be a 78-year-old man, even knowing that today, Mr. Cheney insists he still would have shot Mr. Whittington in the face. He believes the world is a better place for his spreading buckshot throughout the entire region of Mr. Whittington's face.
*Stewart:* But why, Rob? If he had known Mr. Whittington was not a bird, why would he still have shot him?
*Corddry:* Jon, in a post-9/11 world, the American people expect their leaders to be decisive. To not have shot his friend in the face would have sent a message to the quail that America is weak.
*Stewart:* That's horrible.
*Corddry:* Look, the mere fact that we're even talking about how the vice president drives up with his rich friends in cars to shoot farm-raised wingless quail-tards is letting the quail know "how" we're hunting them. I'm sure right now those birds are laughing at us in that little "covey" of theirs.
*Stewart:* I'm not sure birds can laugh, Rob.
*Corddry:* Well, whatever it is they do -- coo -- they're cooing at us right now, Jon, because here we are talking openly about our plans to hunt them. Jig is up. Quails one, America zero.
-- Salon.com war room

Political Science

from The Nation magazine
Political Science
Bryan Farrell
Mon Feb 13, 8:37 PM ET

The Nation -- When NASA's top climatologist, James E. Hansen, was silenced because his research on global warming was at odds with Bush Administration policies, he became a cause célèbre for browbeaten scientists fed up with the government stranglehold on their research.

It's fitting, then, that he was a last-minute addition to the recent Conference on Politics and Science, hosted by the journal Social Research at the New School, where leading scientists and policy experts discussed the politicization of science and the urgency to address the consequences of global climate change.

Hansen has largely ignored the media for the past fifteen years, slightly less than half his tenure at NASA. But after a presentation in December on global warming to the American Geophysical Union (AGU) in San Francisco, he began to feel an even greater restraint on the public dissemination of his research.

"I think the reason was that my talk was very wide-ranging, connecting the dots from emissions to climate change and to impacts and what you need to do if you want to get on a scenario that reduces climate change," Hansen said. "The public affairs people just didn't like that and started bouncing off the walls, as I've been told."

Hansen's current research explores the relationship between greenhouse gases and changes in temperature and sea level over the past 400,000 years. Climate scientists have looked for this sort of paleoclimate data for decades because it strengthens the argument that earth's current warming cycle is predominantly influenced by our carbon dioxide emissions.

He explained that records of atmospheric carbon dioxide, methane and temperature for the past 400,000 years, taken from Antarctic ice cores, revealed the difference between the warmest interglacial periods and the depths of the Ice Age to be about five degrees on global average.

This, along with detailed sea-level data, also from the past 400,000 years, can measure climate sensitivity. When applied to the present interglacial period, which is the warm period that has existed for the past 10,000 years, the interplay and necessary balance between ice and greenhouse gases becomes clear.

"If the planet were out of balance by even one watt per square meter for 1,000 years, it would melt all the ice on the planet or raise the ocean temperature an implausible amount," Hansen said.

And that is exactly where earth is headed: Current fossil fuel carbon dioxide emissions increase about 2 percent each year; if this continues, temperatures will increase between two to three degrees Celsius by the end of the century.

This last occurred about 3 million years ago, when earth was a much different place. The East Coast, for instance, was nearly 100 kilometers inland; Florida was completely underwater.

"The greenhouse gas changes that humans have introduced in the past century are far outside the range that has existed for hundreds of thousands of years, and they will remain so for centuries because of the long lifetime of these gases," he explained. This means the gases were added so quickly that the planet has not had time to respond and, therefore, is out of balance.

"Humans now control the global climate, for better or worse," he said. Earth is approaching a tipping point that can be tilted, and only slightly at best, in its favor if global warming can be limited to less than one degree Celsius. Paleoclimate data shows past interglacial periods were about one degree warmer than today, raising the sea level by as much as five meters.

Sea level may not be important in our lifetime, but it will be in the long run--and it's very difficult to get people to take it seriously, Hansen said.

One way to get people to focus on the implications of this climatic sea change is to focus on its impact on human health. Rita Cowell, former director of the National Science Foundation and now a distinguished professor at the University of Maryland, noted that cholera, a major problem in India, is strongly correlated to the rise in sea surface temperature and sea surface height.

"When we discuss climate change, we are discussing biological interplay," Cowell said. "And when you read about climate change and the predictions that can occur, I want you to think about people, and ourselves, as part of the human race, and the effects it will have on us."

Government suppression of politically inconvenient scientific inquiry undermines the urgency of research by scientists like Cowell and Hansen. And NASA, Hansen noted, is not the only agency that has put a political spin on science: Hansen took aim at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) for failing to recognize clear evidence of the link between increasing ferocity of tropical storms and greenhouse gases.

"We calculate an ocean surface warming in the region of hurricane formation, caused by human-made climate forcings," Hansen said. "So the categorical contention of the NOAA National Hurricane Center that recent hurricane intensification is due to a natural cycle of Atlantic Ocean temperature, and has nothing to do with global warming, is irrational. How could a hurricane distinguish between natural and greenhouse-gas warming?"

Hansen acknowledged that the topic is quite complex and still being explored by the scientific community, but he added that it seems "the public, by fiat, received biased information." Hansen asserted that NOAA scientists "were told not to dispute the hurricane conclusion in public" and that many of his colleagues at NOAA have told him their conditions are, in general, much worse.

"A NOAA scientist cannot speak with a reporter unless there is a 'listener' on the line with him or her," Hansen said, adding, "it seems more like Nazi Germany or the Soviet Union than the United States. The claim is that the 'listener' is there to protect the NOAA scientist. If you buy that one, please see me at the break; there is a bridge down the street that I would like to sell to you."

Hansen remains optimistic about his own freedom at NASA, saying the agency has assured him it is committed to fixing the problem and that he hopes NASA becomes the model for other agencies to follow. Political interference, he noted, has always been an issue for scientists, regardless of what party is in power.

Hansen's sense of responsibility for his research stems largely from the first line of NASA's mission statement: "To understand and protect our home planet."

"The point I made to my boss and his boss is, We're not doing our job if we don't make clear this information," Hansen told reporters. "Not every scientist is in a position to look at this picture and feel that we have some understanding of it from the emissions to the end consequences, and it would be inappropriate to not make that clear."

Hansen's research boils down to one very straightforward point: We can still avoid the dangers of human-made climate change, but only if we focus our attention on cutting near-term emissions by improving fuel efficiency. As the world's largest emitter of carbon dioxide, the United States must lead the effort if developing countries like India and China can be expected to follow.

"We are not now on a path to do that," he says, "and if we do not begin actions to get on a different path within the next several years, we will pass a point of no return."

TV Comedians Target Cheney Accident

TV Comedians Target Cheney Accident
Tue Feb 14, 4:10 AM ET
LOS ANGELES (AP) - Television talk shows took aim Monday at Vice President Dick Cheney's accidental weekend shooting in Texas of a hunting companion. Here are a few of the jokes.

"Late Show with David Letterman," CBS:

• "Good news, ladies and gentlemen, we have finally located weapons of mass destruction: It's Dick Cheney."

• "But here is the sad part — before the trip Donald Rumsfeld had denied the guy's request for body armor."

• "We can't get Bin Laden, but we nailed a 78-year-old attorney."

• "The guy who got gunned down, he is a Republican lawyer and a big Republican donor and fortunately the buck shot was deflected by wads of laundered cash. So he's fine. He took a little in the wallet."

--------------------
"The Tonight Show with Jay Leno," NBC:

• "Although it is beautiful here in California, the weather back East has been atrocious. There was so much snow in Washington, D.C., Dick Cheney accidentally shot a fat guy thinking it was a polar bear.

• "That's the big story over the weekend. ... Dick Cheney accidentally shot a fellow hunter, a 78-year-old lawyer. In fact, when people found out he shot a lawyer, his popularity is now at 92 percent."

• "I think Cheney is starting to lose it. After he shot the guy he screamed, 'Anyone else want to call domestic wire tapping illegal?'"

• "Dick Cheney is capitalizing on this for Valentine's Day. It's the new Dick Cheney cologne. It's called Duck!"

--------------------
"The Daily Show with Jon Stewart," Comedy Central:

• "Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a man during a quail hunt ... making 78-year-old Harry Whittington the first person shot by a sitting veep since Alexander Hamilton. Hamilton, of course, (was) shot in a duel with Aaron Burr over issues of honor, integrity and political maneuvering. Whittington? Mistaken for a bird."

• "Now, this story certainly has its humorous aspects. ... But it also raises a serious issue, one which I feel very strongly about. ... moms, dads, if you're watching right now, I can't emphasize this enough: Do not let your kids go on hunting trips with the vice president. I don't care what kind of lucrative contracts they're trying to land, or energy regulations they're trying to get lifted — it's just not worth it."

--------------------
"Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson," CBS:

• "He is a lawyer and he got shot in the face. But he's a lawyer, he can use his other face. He'll be all right."

• "You can understand why this lawyer fellow let his guard down, because if you're out hunting with a politician, you think, 'If I'm going to get it, it's going to be in the back.' "

• "The big scandal apparently is that they didn't release the news for 18 hours. I don't think that's a scandal at all. I'm quite pleased about that. Finally there's a secret the vice president's office can keep."

"Apparently the reason they didn't release the information right away is they said we had to get the facts right. That's never stopped them in the past."

Seven Degrees of Blonde....

FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.  The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street.  One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.  She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"
So the first blonde hands her the compact.  The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.  She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.  Well, the blonde is really angry.  She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief.  She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.  She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

FIFTH DEGREE
Did ya hear what the blonde asked her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
She asked him meekly, "Is it mine?"

SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class.  The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.  Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."

SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.  She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.  The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.  As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.  Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen.  I call the police for help, and what do they do?  They send me a BLIND policeman."

Ponderings about "Why??"

Basically these are "why" questions, w/my witty banter inserted for comic relief in some strange cases…oh well, here goes…

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
I'm answering this one w/further questions - Are we trying to change mechanical energy to electrical energy thinking that the harder we press the more juice we extract from the batteries therefore the more power the remote emits????

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
This one's easy, because they're JERKS!!  The actual reason is that when they do this they are paying your debt and, in essence, offering you a temporary credit, and are charging you for that privilege - real nice….

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Because they don’t trust you or don't read signs well or can't really count that high...

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Easy, its MAGIC!  The actual reason is because the glue inside the bottle is not DRYING - were it to dry, THEN you'd see it stick.  Keep the cap off the bottle and bring it in tomorrow...

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
If the governor or supreme court calls and calls off the execution, they don’t want to be held liable for the health care of the inmate - that is the actual reason…plus they are trying to "humanitize" the process...

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Because he thinks he looks better shaved...

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Hey, those handles HURT! Riiiigggghhhhtttt - wimp!

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
They don’t want to die on the way to their suicide mission, do they???

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
The same dude who put the bop in the bop-de-bop-de-bop, and the dip in the dip-de-dip-de-dip, and the wang in the wang-a-lang-a-ding-dong!  Its also the same dude who put the K in KNIGHT - it’s a conspiracy!!!   

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Not all apes evolved…not all ants became termites, not all flowers became roses...

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
The bubbles aren't white, they're actually transparent, and the coloring only goes so far...

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
If there was, all existence would have to be stopped because this just isn't possible...

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
These are the same folks who constantly wonder who (or to be more precise, WHAT!) turns out the light when you shut the door...

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
There's a name for this syndrome…suckastringaphobia.

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
You must look for the telltale signs of which end is up…and they always make this difficult, especially on cheap bags.  You have to buy the "more expensive" idiot proof ones, the ones I can never afford...

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
They are born there - many already were hanging out there…and most people don’t realize that most light fixtures have RADIATOR HOLES in them to make sure they don’t BURN UP AND BURN DOWN THE HOUSE!!!  That's how they get in there and wreak havoc on all logic...

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
Because we're nice and cordial and if you say it, you may be in for something.  It all depends on the severity of the strike and if or if not the other guy is bigger than you…

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

I believe Murphy had a saying about this...

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
Because we're IDIOTS!!  Because people cant regulate temperature like they could when they were covered in fur, climbing trees and screaming at jaguars on the ground for eating Uncle Stan….

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
Because Father in Laws usually have guns and aren't afraid to use them...

And Finally…
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

I'VE BEEN OUSTED!!!!  OK trash the world domination computers!  STRIKE DOWN THE FLYERS - Its all over….<sob>  This isn't the end, mind you…I WILL BE BACK!!  BIGGER AND BETTER THAN EVER…MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

:-D

This is good news, but, these people still have the reigns of power, so...

NASA Public Relations Official Resigns
By PAM EASTON, Associated Press Writer
Wed Feb 8, 11:33 PM ET
HOUSTON (AP) - A NASA political appointee who worked in the space agency's public relations department submitted his resignation after reportedly restricting access to a noted NASA climate scientist.

NASA spokesman Dean Acosta confirmed Wednesday that George C. Deutsch had resigned late Tuesday, but would say little more. Deutsch, 24, was appointed in February 2005.

The New York Times reported that Deutsch tried to limit reporters' access to Jim Hansen, a noted NASA climate scientist, and insisted that a Web designer insert the word "theory" before any mention of the Big Bang.

"George attracted attention because some of the things he demanded were so outrageous," Hansen wrote in an e-mail to The Associated Press on Wednesday.

NASA also said it was reviewing the practices of its public affairs office.
Administrator Michael Griffin sent an e-mail to the agency's workers on Saturday in which he discussed scientific openness and the role of the agency's public affairs office.

"The job of the Office of Public Affairs, at every level in NASA, is to convey the work done at NASA to our stakeholders in an intelligible way," Griffin wrote. "It is not the job of public affairs officers to alter, filter or adjust engineering or scientific material produced by NASA's technical staff."

Hansen, a scientist who has studied climate change almost three decades, said he wanted to speak as a private citizen on the subject.

"The risks of global warming have not received the attention they deserve," Hansen wrote.
Efforts to reach Deutsch by telephone in Washington and Texas were unsuccessful Wednesday.

Its a Cowardly Lion from the Wizard of Oz administration...no brains,

There's a process they call in management called "groupthink." Its similar to when a star in Hollywood surrounds him or herself with "yes" men/women, who do nothing but heap praise on every bad idea, every misstep and do not critize. What happens then is that the star's carrer disappears quickly. One needs a variety of opinions and a variety of options before one makes a decision, not just someone who is going to rubber stamp everything that comes through. This is happening in Washington, DC right now, and actually has been since 9/11...and it scares the hell out of me....

From the Philadelphia, PA Inquirer Newspaper
Posted on Wed, Feb. 08, 2006

Career weapons experts booted by Bush team

By Warren P. Strobel

Philadelphia Inquirer Washington Bureau

WASHINGTON - State Department officials appointed by President Bush have sidelined some key career weapons experts and replaced them with people who share the White House's and Pentagon's distrust of international negotiations and treaties.

The reorganization of the department's arms-control and international-security bureaus was intended to help it better deal with 21st-century threats. Instead, it has thrown the agency into turmoil and produced an exodus of experts with decades of experience in nuclear arms, chemical weapons and related matters, according to 11 current and former officials, and documents obtained by Knight Ridder, the parent company of The Inquirer.

The reorganization was conducted by a panel of four political appointees. A career expert was allowed to join the group only after most decisions had been made. Its work was overseen by Frederick Fleitz, a CIA officer who was detailed to the State Department as senior adviser to former Undersecretary of State John Bolton, a critic of arms agreements and international organizations.

Bolton's nomination to be the U.S. ambassador to the United Nations was nearly derailed last year by allegations that he'd harassed and bullied his staff. Some State Department weapons experts from offices that had clashed with Bolton were denied senior positions in the reorganization, even though they had superior qualifications, the officials and documents alleged.

Fleitz, who works for Robert Joseph, Bolton's successor, later telephoned State Department employees who signed a letter protesting the moves and registered his displeasure, one official said.

The political appointees who crafted the shake-up sought and received assurances from the State Department's legal and human resources offices that what they were doing was legal.

But other officials contend that it violated long-standing management and personnel practices.

"The process has been gravely flawed from the outset and smacks plainly of a political vendetta against career Foreign Service and Civil Service [personnel] by political appointees," a group of employees told Undersecretary of State for Management Henrietta Fore on Dec. 9, according to notes prepared for the meeting.

A dozen State Department employees delivered a rare written dissent to Fore and W. Robert Pearson, the director general of the Foreign Service, on Oct. 11.

Joseph, the undersecretary of state for arms control and international security, said in a telephone interview that the changes might have been painful to some but were necessary.

"The reorganization... was essential to better position us to further the president's strategy against WMD [weapons of mass destruction] proliferation and [Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice's] emphasis on transformational diplomacy," he said yesterday.

Much more than personnel disputes are at stake, said the officials who are critical of the changes.

They said they were concerned that Rice, who announced the changes last July, would be deprived of expertise on weapons matters.

"We had a great group of people. They are highly knowledgeable experts," said former Assistant Secretary of State John Wolf, who frequently clashed with Bolton. "To the extent they now are leaving State Department employ, or U.S. government employ, it's a real loss to State Department. It's a real loss to the government."

An inquiry by Knight Ridder has found evidence that the reorganization was highly politicized.

Thomas Lehrman, a political appointee who heads the new office of Weapons of Mass Destruction Terrorism, advertised outside the State Department to fill jobs in his office. In an e-mail to universities and research centers, he listed loyalty to Bush and Rice's priorities as a qualification. Lehrman reportedly recalled the e-mail after it was pointed out that such loyalty tests are improper.

One of the government's top experts on the U.N. International Atomic Energy Agency, which helps stem the spread of nuclear weapons but disputed the Bush administration's claims about Iraq's weapons programs, returned from two and a half years at IAEA headquarters in Vienna, Austria, and was blocked from assuming an office directorship that had been offered to him, the officials and a complaint document said.

The post, which oversees U.S. diplomacy regarding international efforts to contain suspected nuclear-weapons programs such as those in Iran and North Korea, went to a more junior officer whom numerous officials said shared Bolton's views.

Something doesn't work...

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded Doctor's Waiting Room. As he approached the desk, the Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my third leg," he replied. The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded Doctor's Room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. 
The Receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.  The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. 
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.
The Waiting Room erupted in laughter.

A great site

http://extrasolar.spaceart.org
This is a web site I highly recommend checking out - wonderful renderings of the what if of other worlds..

you lookin at me??? Do I amuse you?? Do you think I'm funny or somethin'??

This persons damn lucky he didn't just shoot him dead like the smart mouthed waiter in Goodfellas...
Boca Raton authorities may charge Pesci 

Feb 6, 3:14 PM EST 

BOCA RATON, Fla. (AP) -- Police have confirmed that Oscar-winning actor Joe Pesci is being investigated after a fan said the star punched him in the mouth because he snapped a photo of him in a shopping center parking lot. 

The "Goodfellas" star gave his account of the Jan. 22 incident last week at a Boca Raton home where he was staying, police spokesman Sgt. Jeff Kelly said. Garry Serino, who was with Pesci at the time, also gave police a statement. 

Kelly did not provide details because of the investigation. 

"There are two sides to every story," Kelly said. 

Police were preparing to send the investigation results to the Palm Beach County prosecutors to determine whether Pesci should be charged with misdemeanor battery for allegedly punching Juan Carlos Montenegro, 24. 

Montenegro, a Broward Community College student, told police that after encountering Pesci, 62, he shook the actor's hand and told him he was a big fan. He then purchased a camera, walked toward Pesci and asked for a picture, but the actor refused, he said. 

Montenegro kept asking to take a picture, and when Pesci turned, Montenegro took the photograph. Pesci then punched him with his right fist, the report said. 

If Pesci is charged, he would be issued a court summons, and would not be booked into the county jail, said Mike Edmondson, state attorney's office spokesman. 

Pesci's attorney, Jay Julien, did not return a call for comment.

Its passable, but definitely PG-13

Three third graders, an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Hillbilly kid are on the playground at recess. One of them suggests that they play a new game.

"Let's see who has the largest weenie," says the Irish kid.
"Okay." They all agree.  The Italian kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.
"That's nothing," says the Irish kid.  He whips his out.  His is a couple of inches longer.
Not to be outdone, the Hillbilly kid whips his out. It is by far the biggest.  That night, eating dinner at home, the Hillbilly kid's mother asks him what he did at school today. "Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book and during recess, my friends and I played 'Let's see who has the largest weenie."

"What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother.
"Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies and I had the biggest!  The other kids say its because I'm a Hillbilly.  Is that true, Mom?"

Mom replies, "No, Honey. It's because you're twenty-three..."

Your tax dollars at work...

Policy or Politics? NASA Accused of Intimidating Climatologist
Brian Berger
Space News Staff Writer
SPACE.com
Mon Feb 6, 9:00 AM ET
NASA is battling accusations that it tried to stifle its top climatologist, a man well known for speaking his mind about the causes and consequences of global warming.

James E. Hansen, the director of the New York-based Goddard Institute for Space Studies (GISS), and several of his NASA associates contend that political appointees at the agency's headquarters here have demanded to review his lectures and papers in advance, and have senior agency managers stand in for him in interviews with journalists. Hansen said in a Feb. 2 interview with Space News that the restrictions were imposed following a speech he gave at the American Geophysical Union's annual meeting in early December.

During that speech, Hansen said that the growth in greenhouse gas emissions needed to be halted by 2025 in order to avoid a "grim scenario" involving a shrinking arctic and rising sea levels. Hansen's speech attracted widespread media attention and was excerpted by the International Herald Tribune and The New York Review of Books as commentaries.

Hansen's most recent concerns were reported in an article published by The New York Times Nov. 29. The New York Times story prompted House Science Committee Chairman Sherwood Boehlert (R-NY) to write NASA Administrator Mike Griffin the following business day demanding an explanation.

"NASA is clearly doing something wrong, given the sense of intimidation felt by Dr. Hansen and others who work with him," Boehlert wrote. "Even if this sense is a result of a misinterpretation of NASA policies - and more seems to be at play here - the problem still must be corrected."

The House Science Committee's senior Democrat, Rep. Bart Gordon (news, bio, voting record) (Tenn.), sent Griffin a similar letter.

Dean Acosta, NASA deputy assistant administrator for public affairs, said the agency has imposed no new restrictions on Hansen, but only contacted the Goddard Institute to remind public affairs personnel there that media interviews needed to be coordinated with headquarters. Acosta said in a Feb. 2 interview the event that prompted headquarters staff to contact Hansen's institute was not the American Geophysical Union speech, but an ABC News story quoting Hansen that caught the agency by surprise when it ran in mid-December.

"NASA is committed to open and full communications," Acosta said. "Our policy - which is similar to that of any other federal agency, corporation or news organization - is that any NASA employee speaking on the record, issuing a press release or posting information on our Web site, must coordinate such activities with the Office of Public Affairs. No exceptions.

"It's not saying you have to get approval," Acosta added. "It's just saying you have to coordinate to make sure we are not stepping all over ourselves."

"That's a partial backing off of what they were demanding," Hansen said in a Feb. 2 telephone interview with Space News. Hansen said NASA headquarters public affairs officials did not contact him directly, but spoke to the Goddard Institute's communications liaison, Leslie McCarthy.

Also contacted by headquarters public affairs around the same time was Mark Hess, the public affairs chief at NASA's Goddard Space Flight Center. The Greenbelt, Md.-based field center oversees Hansen's New York-based institute.

In a Dec. 19 e-mail to Hansen's Goddard-based supervisors, Franco Einaudi and Laurie Leshin, Hess referenced separate conversations he and McCarthy had with Acosta and NASA Assistant Administrator for Public Affairs David Mould concerning the ABC News story and the release of Hansen's annual global temperature analysis, which showed that 2005 was the hottest year since records started being kept in the late 1800s.

"Leslie is putting together a note which recaps what HQs [sic] has directed (not asked) us to do with regard to 'monitoring' the work of [the Goddard Institute for Space Studies] and Dr. Hansen in particular," Hess wrote. "I think we need to discuss this with you because I don't feel that in some instances, some of what they are asking us to do falls into the [Goddard Space Flight Center] to [Science Mission Directorate] reporting chain, not public affairs (e.g. they are asking we keep track of his schedule, his speaking engagements, his media interviews, all the science papers being submitted from GISS, all the content on the GISS Web site, etc., etc.)"

The next day, Hess sent Acosta and Mould an e-mail summarizing the "PAO procedures" that Hess and McCarthy planned to go over with Hansen per Acosta and Mould's directions.

Among these procedures, according to Hess's e-mail, were forwarding interview requests for Goddard Institute employees to headquarters public affairs where NASA Associate Administrator for Science Mary Cleave and her deputy Colleen Hartman would be given "right of first refusal on all interview requests."

Acosta said that neither he nor Mould received a copy of that e-mail when it was sent, but that he has since been provided with a copy.

Now that he has seen it, Acosta said it is "pretty consistent" with NASA's public affairs policy, except, he said, where it talks about giving Cleave and Hartman the right of first refusal on interview requests.

"When you get into [the part about] Mary Cleave and Colleen Hartman, obviously Jim Hansen is under their organization," Acosta said. "The mission directorate leadership certainly has the prerogative to designate who they feel are the appropriate spokespeople on a subject matter."

Hansen said he was not averse to letting headquarters know when he has an interview coming up, or even letting others such as Cleave and Hartman do the interview about broader NASA science issues.

"That would be very reasonable except when someone knows they want to talk to me," Hansen said. "Unless they don't trust me as a spokesman to speak to the media, then they should tell me. But what is it they don't like about me? That I don't know what I'm talking about? That I'm not a good scientist?"

David Goldston, the House Science Committee's staff director, said Feb. 2 that NASA had been cooperating with Boehlert's inquiry, but that more work remained.

"We're still trying to get to the bottom of what's going on. We certainly do not think this is something Mike Griffin was trying to impose, but we do think something is amiss and it's not solely a matter of Jim Hansen resisting reasonable bureaucratic procedures."

Acosta, for his part, suggested that the current controversy boils down to Hansen not wanting to comply with established public affairs policy.

"I think it is clearly that somebody doesn't agree with the policy in place," Acosta said.
Acosta also said that Hansen has clashed with NASA's public affairs procedures before then claimed that he was being asked to abide by more restrictions than other agency employees. "This is the same scenario that has come from him for the past 20 years," Acosta said.

Hansen gave a speech at the University of Iowa in October 2004 in which he said government scientists were being prevented from speaking freely on global warming and that he intended to vote for     President George W. Bush's Democratic challenger, Sen.     John Kerry (Mass.). When NASA officials discouraged him from making the speech, Hansen told his story to reporters then traveled to the Iowa engagement at his own expense.

Hansen, who described himself as "a middle-of-the-road conservative," told Space News he did not regret telling the Iowa audience who he intended to vote for. "I actually said if he were on the ballot I would prefer to vote for [Arizona Republican] John McCain, but then I rationalized [backing Kerry] on the climate issue and said we have to take stronger action," Hansen said.

Hansen said he sees himself first and foremost as a scientist and has no desire to trade the life of the quantitative researcher for that of the activist.

"I have no intention of being a Steve Schneider-type person who spends his time talking about climate impact or climate policy," Hansen said. Schneider is the often-quoted Stanford University climate scientist who achieved notoriety for telling Discover magazine in a 1989 interview that climatologists wanting to get their point across to an indifferent public needed "to offer up scary scenarios, make simplified, dramatic statements, and make little mention of any doubts we might have" about the causes and consequences of global warming.

Hansen said that as the director of one of the United States' three premiere climate-modeling centers, he has an obligation to speak out about what the data say about globally warming.

"The NASA mission statement says 'to understand and protect our home planet'," Hansen said. "If I didn't speak out on this issue I wouldn't be doing my job."

From Salon.com 1/31/06

Maybe they should ask Katherine Harris to help...or maybe one should ask if, maybe, Diebold was involved...

From Salon.com 1/31/06 - The Capital Hill Newspaper known as "The Hill" is reporting that "voting irregularities" will force House Republicans to vote a second time today on a replacement for ousted Majority Leader Tom DeLay. It seems that the numbers of votes counted the first time around didn't match the number of voters in the room.

St Louis Metro Area Barbie Dolls

Subject: ST LOUIS/METRO AREA BARBIES

The CHESTERFIELD BARBIE
This princess Barbie is sold only at Chesterfield Mall.  She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a longhaired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie cutter house.  Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift.  Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with
"augmented" version.

The FLORISSANT BARBIE
This modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar Minivan and matching gym outfit.  She has no full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.

The ST. CHARLES COUNTY BARBIE
This is an upgrade to the Florissant Barbie.  Accessories include the SUV with an extra large gas tank, mandatory bible for thumping and Republican Party Membership.

The EAST ST LOUIS BARBIE
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9 mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is
only available after dark and must be paid for in cash - preferably small, untraceable bills - unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you
are talking about.

The LADUE BARBIE
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2.  Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club
membership.  Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper.  You won't be able to afford any of them.

The GRANITE CITY BARBIE
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler Jeans (two sizes too small), a NASCAR shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder.  She has a
six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set.  She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk.  Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

The CLAYTON BARBIE
This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard print outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends. Percocet prescription
available.

The HIGH RIDGE BARBIE
This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted
Ken.
The ARNOLD BARBIE
Barbie's house - her ensemble includes low-rise acid washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see through halter-top. Also available with a mobile
home.

The SOUTH COUNTY BARBIE
Not much different from High Ridge Barbie - instead of the trailer, she comes with bingo chips and a rosary. We don't know where Ken is
'cause he's always hunting.

The TOWER GROVE BARBIE
This doll is made of actual tofu.  She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks.  She prefers that you call her "Willow."  She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Tower Grove Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.

The FERGUSON BARBIE
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll.  Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass.  Gangsta Ken and his '79 Caddy were
available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

The CENTRAL WEST END BARBIE/KEN
This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple "snap-on" parts.

This song contains what may be the greatest quote ever - its highlighted in bold and italics

Fruitcakes
By: Jimmy Buffett, Amy Lee
1994
--Spoken:
"You know I was talking to my friend Desdemona the other day she
runs this space station and bake shop down near Boomtown. She told
me that human beings are flawed individuals. The cosmic bakers
took us out of the oven a little too early. And that's the
reason we're as crazy as we are and I believe it."

"Take for example when you go to the movies these days, you know.
They try to sell you this jumbo drink, 8 extra ounces of watered
down cherry coke for an extra 25 cents. I don't want it.
I don't want that much organziation in my life.
I don't want other people thinking for me.
I want my Junior Mints. Where did the Junior Mints go in the
movies. I don't want a 12 lb. Nestle's crunch for 25 dollars. I
want Junior Mints."

"We need more fruitcakes in this world and less bakers!
We need people that care! I'm mad as hell! And I don't want to
take it anymore!"

Chorus:
Fruitcakes in the kitchen (Fruitcakes in the kitchen)
Fruitcakes on the street (Fruitcakes on the street)
Struttin' naked through the crosswalk
In the middle of the week
Half-baked cookies in the oven (Cookies in the oven)
Half-baked people on the bus (People on the bus)
There's a little bit of fruitcake left in everyone of us

Paradise, lost and found
Paradise, take a look around
I was out in California where I hear they have it all
They got riots, fires, mud slides
They've got sushi in the mall
Water bars, brontasaurs, chinese modern lust
Shake and bake life with the quake
The secret's in the crust

Chorus:
Fruitcakes in the kitchen (Fruitcakes in the kitchen)
Fruitcakes on the street (Fruitcakes on the street)
Struttin' naked through the crosswalk
In the middle of the week
Half-baked cookies in the oven (Cookies in the oven)
Half-baked people on the bus (People on the bus)
There's a little bit of fruitcake left in everyone of us

--Spoken:
"Speakin' of fruitcakes, how 'bout the government?
Your tax dollars at work."

We lost our Martian rocket ship
The high paid spokesman said
Looks like that silly rocket ship
Has lost its cone shaped head
We spent 90 jillion dollars trying to get a look at Mars
I hear universal laughter ringing out among the stars

Chorus:
Fruitcakes in the galaxy (Fruitcakes in the galaxy)
Fuitcakes on the earth (Fruitcakes on the earth)
Struttin' naked towards eternity
We've been that way since birth
Half-baked cookies in the oven (Cookies in the oven)
Half-baked people on the bus (People on the bus)
There's a little bit of fruitcake left in everyone of us

--Spoken:
"Religion! Religion! Oh, there's a thin line between Saturday
night and Sunday morning. Here we go now.
Alright, alter boys."

Mea Culpa Mea Culpa Mea Maxima Culpa
Mea Culpa Mea Culpa Mea Maxima Culpa

Where's the church, who took the steeple
Religion is in the hands of some crazy-ass people
Television preachers with bad hair and dimples
The god's honest truth is it's not that simple
It's the Buddhist in you, it's the Pagan in me
It's the Muslim in him, she's Catholic ain't she?
It's the born again look its the WASP and the Jew
Tell me what's goin on, I ain't gotta clue

--Spoken:
"Now here comes the big ones. Relationships! We all got 'em, we
all want 'em. What do we do with 'em?
Here we go, I'll tell ya."

She said you gotta do your fair share
Now cough up half the rent
I treat my body like a temple
You treat yours like a tent
But the right word at the right time
May get me a little hug
That's the difference between lightning
And a harmless lightnin' bug

Chorus:
Fruitcakes in the kitchen (Fruitcakes in the kitchen)
Fruitcakes on the street (Fruitcakes on the street)
Struttin' naked through the crosswalk
In the middle of the week
Half-baked cookies in the oven (Cookies in the oven)
Half-baked people on the bus (People on the bus)
There's a little bit of fruitcake left in everyone of us

--Spoken:
"The future. Captain's log, stardate two thousand and something."

We're seven years from the millenium
That's a science fiction fact
Stanley Kubrick and his buddy HAL
Now don't look that abstract
So I'll put on my Bob Marley tape
And practice what I preach
Get Jah lost in the reggae mon
As I walk along the beach
Stay in touch with my insanity really is the only way
Its a jungle out there kiddies
Have a very fruitful day
Hey.

Chorus:
Fruitcakes in the kitchen (Fruitcakes in the kitchen)
Fruitcakes on the street (Fruitcakes on the street)
Struttin' naked through the crosswalk
In the middle of the week
Half-baked cookies in the oven (Cookies in the oven)
Half-baked people on the bus (People on the bus)
There's a little bit of fruitcake left in everyone of us

--Spoken:
"That's right, you too. Yeah those crumbs are spread all around
this universe. I've seen fruitcakes. I saw this guy in Santa
Monica rollerskate naked through the crosswalk. Down in New
Orleans in the French market there are fruitcakes like you cannot
believe. New York, forget it. Fruitcake city. Down island, we've got
fruitcakes. Spread them crumbs around. That's right, we want
'em around. Keep bakin' baby. Keep bakin'."

Oh, Those Kids..

THE BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN

Your Clothes:
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.

The Layette:
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress-a whimper, a frown-you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing. !

Pacifier:
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby:! When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

Diapering:
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

Activities:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

! At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

Swallowing Coins:
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!!

You are welcome to pass this on to everyone you know who has children...or anyone who KNOWS someone who has or has had children... (The older the mother, the funnier this is!)

GRANDCHILDREN are God's reward for allowing your children to live.  Then you can spoil THEM ;-D

I am a big supporter of the space program, so this really burns me...

NASA Supporters Fear Bush May Cut Space Plan

Budget Shortfall May Imperil Return to the Moon

By Guy Gugliotta

Washington Post Staff Writer
Sunday, January 29, 2006

President Bush has finally won endorsement of his "Vision for Space Exploration" from a once-skeptical Congress, but supporters now fear the administration is backing away from its own initiative to send humans back to the moon and then on to Mars.

For at least three months, the White House Office of Management and Budget and NASA have struggled to find a way to make up a budget shortfall of between $3 billion and $5 billion and perhaps more, in the troubled space shuttle program -- and to do so without inflating overall space spending well beyond the $16.5 billion that NASA has this year.

Congress last month unanimously passed a bipartisan bill -- which Bush signed -- endorsing the vision for the first time and urging the president to fund NASA for $17.9 billion in 2007 and $18.7 billion in 2008.

Lawmakers gave several reasons for embracing a program they had widely criticized after Bush announced it in early 2004, but all cited as a contributing factor the arrival last year of new NASA Administrator Michael D. Griffin, a blunt-spoken space scientist and engineer.

"He is very, very competent and knows how these things work," said Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchison (R-Tex.), who heads the Senate Commerce subcommittee on science and space and is a key player in the space debate. "If he comes back to us and says there's a need for more money, I think he can get it."

But the question now being asked on Capitol Hill is whether Bush will ask for enough money to keep the vision on track when the administration rolls out its 2007 budget Feb. 6, or whether he will shortchange the shuttle program or cripple the new exploration initiative or both. Bush has said he intends to freeze discretionary spending unrelated to national security for the next five years.

Shortchanging the space budget, lawmakers said, should not be an option. "This is a period of transformation," said Rep. Ken Calvert (R-Calif.), chairman of the House Science subcommittee on space and aeronautics. "We are at the dawn of a new space age, and we have to do it right."

Industry and congressional sources said the administration has abandoned an early OMB proposal to slash the number of planned shuttle flights by more than half, but hemmed in by other budget priorities, especially the war in Iraq, it still appears unwilling to fund a full slate of 19 flights.

The sources said the administration may also let the planned deployment of the next generation spaceship slip to 2014. This was the original date proposed by Bush, but Griffin said last year he expects to fly the new "crew exploration vehicle" by 2012. That would cut to two years the "gap" that will open after the shuttle is retired in 2010, leaving the United States with no human spaceflight capacity.

These sources declined to be identified by name because they either were not authorized to speak for their bosses or did not want to insert themselves in the ongoing budget debate. They agreed, however, that Congress has "let the administration know loud and clear" that it is time "to indicate whether it intends to stand behind the vision," as one source said.

"The ball is in their court, and if they come in low on the budget, we will have a struggle," added Rep. Bart Gordon (Tenn.), the House Science Committee's senior Democrat. "This is the right thing for the country and the right priority. I'm not sure it's a high priority for [Bush] or OMB."

NASA refused to discuss its plans before the budget is made public, but Griffin spokesman Dean Acosta said, "The administration is fully supporting NASA and has done so since the president made the announcement two years ago for the Vision for Space Exploration."

another State of the Union Drinking game from Will Durst

The George W. Bush 2006 State Of The Union Drinking Game

By Will Durst

What you need:

1. A group of four taxpayers: including one white guy wearing a Suit. Two people wearing jeans; one in a Work Shirt, the other in a Dark Shirt, and one person wearing Rags. Stitched-together washcloths are nice. Four are grouped around cocktail table within sight of television. Newspapers on floor in front of television.

2. A shot glass per person. Everyone brings their own and places on table. Suit picks one first. Then Work Shirt. Then Dark Shirt. Suit takes last one as well, and Rags gets a Dixie Cup with the top scissored off.

3. Five bucks apiece. Everybody antes.

4. Fondue pot with two packages of Li'l Smokies stewing in barbecue sauce on table. Preferably a sauce from Texas. Surrounded by :


5. 100 cocktail toothpicks. The kind with the little American flags wrapped around the top.

6. A large stash of beer. Rags gets the cheapest stuff you can find, like Old Milwaukee Light; Suit gets to drink whatever import he asks for; while the jeans get to pick their favorite domestic brand, but they are required to pay for all the beer and the Li'l Smokies.

Rules of the Game:
1. Whenever George W. uses the phrases: "national security," "tax relief," "activist judges" or "affordable health care," drink two shots of beer.


2. Whenever George W. mentions the tragic events of 9/11, last person to grab a toothpick, stand and salute must drink three shots of beer. If you stab yourself in forehead with the toothpick, drink two more shots.

3. If George W. actually says, "If Al Qaeda is calling you, we want to know why," first person to finish a whole beer gets to toss Li'l Smokies at any of the others until they finish their beer. Use the toothpicks.

4. If George W. makes up a word like "strategerie" or "deteriorize" drink four shots of beer.

5. If George W. speaks of Hamas and repeats his earlier statement that "it's good to see people are demanding honest leadership," the first person to stop laughing gets to drink one shot of beer then pummel Suit with empty shot glass. No head shots.

6. Whenever George W. talks about bipartisanship, the last person to grab his throat in a choking motion has to eat four Li'l Smokies.

7. If either the Vice President Dick Cheney or First Lady Laura Bush are caught napping, last person to sing "Wake Up Little Susie, Wake Up," has to drink three shots of beer.

8. Predict the number of applause breaks. Person closest to correct number may then force the other three to drink that number of shots of beer in whatever ratio they wish.

9. Three shots of beer if he mentions New Orleans. Five shots of beer if he mentions Brownie. Two full beers if he mentions Abramoff.

10. Every time Tom DeLay is shown in the audience, take turns throwing Li'l Smokies at the TV. Suit sits out. First face hit doesn't have to drink two shots of beer. Every time Hillary Clinton is shown in the audience, Suit throws Li'l Smokies at the TV. If he hits her face, everyone else drinks two shots of beer. Use the toothpicks.

11. Whenever George W. quotes the Bible, last person to fall to their knees and cry "Hallelujah!" drinks two shots of beer.

12. Whenever George W. smirks during a standing ovation, take turns drinking shots of beer until the audience sits down. Do it double time if his shoulders shake with silent laughter.

EXTRAS:
· Whoever can correctly identify in advance the person giving the Democratic Response doesn't have to watch it.

· Suit gets to kick Rags hard, once if George W uses a heartfelt story of a pulling yourself up by your bootstraps to illustrate a point, twice if the regulation of large cardboard boxes is mentioned as a security precaution. Rags gets 15 seconds to kick the Suit if Bush reveals the subject of the anecdote is in the audience. Thirty seconds if he or she is sitting next to Harriet Miers. One full minute if she's sitting next to an astronaut.

· Suit takes home $20.

· Leftover beer, Li'l Smokies and fondue pot go home with Rags.

Political Comic Will Durst needs a volunteer to wear the suit.

Catch The Will & Willie Show, weekdays 7- 10:00 a.m. on KQKE. 960 AM, San Francisco or www.quakeradio.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. See www.willdurst.com for additional information on Will's performance schedule. His two CDs are available at laugh.com. Email Will at willdurst@sbcglobal.net. ©2006 Will Durst.

State of the Union Drinking Game

From the Los Angeles Times
Beer and present danger
The president's State of the Union address might go down a little easier if you mix it with a few drinks.
By Heather Havrilesky
HEATHER HAVRILESKY is a television critic for Salon.com.

January 31, 2006

DESPITE THE HYPE, tonight's State of the Union address is certain to disappoint. Sure, President Bush will do his best to work us into a frenzy, as he did in his most recent televised address, with his talk of a vast cabal of brutal forces afoot, "unconstrained by conscience," opposed to "our deepest values," determined to view the world as a "giant battlefield."

But even as he spoke of this very exciting giant battlefield, the president just sat there at his desk, staring blankly into the TelePrompTer. Is that any way to build suspense? Why weren't there flames shooting into the sky on either side of his head? Why didn't the camera crew get some extreme close-ups with a shaky, hand-held camera? Did Karl Rove forget to cue the nerve-jangling, clock-ticking sound from "24"?

Because Bush refuses to take any tips from the Great and Powerful Oz's playbook, the only way to pump up the shock and awe is by playing a drinking game that's custom-made for the State of the Union address. (Kids, don't try this at home. Adults, don't try this anywhere else but home.)

The game is simple enough for even your average registered voter to understand. Basically, every time Bush says "terror," "terrorism," "terrorist," "war on terror" or "Terror Dome," you drink.

Also drink when the president winks, nods and points at someone in the audience in rapid succession; drink each time he refers to 9/11 or uses the word "nuke-u-lar," and drink something bitter when he says that "the state of our union is strong."

Whenever there's a close-up of a sour-faced Democrat, drink. If it's Hilary Clinton, Ted Kennedy or Harry Reid, drink twice.

When Bush says "protect" as in "protect America," "protect the lives of Americans" or "protect our right to eavesdrop on the phone calls of any American," drink. If he refers to his solemn right to spy on antiwar activists as the "Terrorist Surveillance Program," drink three times.

Also, drink whenever the president uses the word "security," as in the "security of all Americans" or "a secure nation." If he mentions "Social Security," turn the volume up; you didn't hear him correctly. If he talks about "securing an exit strategy in Iraq," drink, then look outside to see if the sky is falling.

When the president alludes to "tax reform," "tax credits" or "tax relief," give a big shout-out to the federal budget deficit — then drink.

Drink each time the president begins a charming anecdote about some folks from a small red-state town; drink twice when the camera cuts to said folks. If the president reports that his chat with these fine people made it clear to him that the administration's current course is the proper one, drink half a beer, then tell the person sitting next to you that it's clear to you that your current course toward inebriation is the proper one as well.

Every time the president smiles or chuckles when he's talking about something scary and awful, like giant battlegrounds and forces of evil, smile and chuckle along with him — Haw haw haw! — then kick your dog.

Drink each time the president mentions "free elections" in Iraq, or suggests that the Iraqi elections are a sure sign that democracy and freedom are spreading across the globe. Drink when the president mentions "free elections" in the West Bank, and if he suggests that the Palestinian elections are a sure sign that democracy and freedom are spreading across the globe, finish your beer, throw the bottle at the wall and yell, "Praise Allah!"

By the end of the president's speech, I personally guarantee that not only will you experience all the nail-biting anticipation and excitement that you crave, you'll also feel a hell of a lot better about the state of this country — that is, if you're still conscious. Just don't try to walk, talk, parent small children, drive or operate heavy machinery. In fact, this game is almost guaranteed to kill you — at least until January of 2009.