Know that for whom the balls tied...

A couple has a dog that snores and the woman in the relationship is annoyed because she can't sleep. The wife goes to the vet.

“This dog is keeping me up all night with his snoring”, she asks the vet, “what am I to do?”

After a sigh, he says “Tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and the snoring will stop.”

“Yeah right!" she thinks, pays the front desk for the visit and leaves.

It’s now a few minutes after going to bed, and the dog begins snoring as usual. “What the heck!” she says, and goes to the closet, grabs a piece of red ribbon, and ties it carefully around the sleeping dog's testicles.

Sure enough, the dog stops snoring and the lady’s impressed.

Later that night, her husband staggers into the bedroom after a night drinking with the boys, flops into bed and immediately begins snoring.

Frustrated, she thinks “It worked for the dog!” so she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's balls.

Amazingly, it also works on him; and for a change, she gets a good night’s sleep.

The next morning, her husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates! He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head, leans over to the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were, or what we did ... but by God, boy, we took FIRST and SECOND place!”

Questions and facts in the battle of the sexes...

Story Question: True or False. If three women, lets call them Laura, Kate and Sarah, go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If three guys, lets call them Mike, Dave and John, go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes. When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators…

Fact: A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.

A man has six items in his bathroom:

1.) toothbrush

2.) toothpaste

3.) shaving cream

4.) razor

5.) a bar of soap

6.) towel

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 77. A man would not be able to identify more than 20.

Fact: A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Fact: A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

Fact: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

Fact: A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and

hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Somewhat true: Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

Truth: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument

hehehe you're funny...something ironic I ran into today...

One of the many aspects of my job is to research what other car companies charge for various rental situations, like if a customer comes in and is under the age of 25, which, due to insurance reasons, is considered the cutoff age for negative risk assessment. I’ve always found this strange because I received most of my tickets and had most of my traffic accidents, etc., after I turned 30! I found this in a Canadian office, for Halifax airport. Apparently, if you’re under 25…

AGE REQUIREMENTS:

THE MINIMUM AGE TO RENT OR DRIVE A xxxxxx VEHICLE IS 21. RENTERS UNDER THE AGE OF 25 CANNOT RENT THE FOLLOWING VEHICLES - LUXURY, MINIVANS, 12 PASSENGER VANS, SPECIALTY/COOL CARS, SPORTS CARS, FULL/PREMIUM SIZE SUV*S OR 4WD*S. –SEE AGE SURCHARGE. .

You are unable to rent anything COOL! Oh the luck – why have the fates of age damned me so??? J Of course, in the winter, ALL CARS ARE COOL CARS!!! Technicalities can be a BITCH!! Remember to always read the fine print…

Life Savers humor...

When eating Life Savers (tm) candy, the children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red ................... Cherry

Yellow ................ Lemon

Green ................. Lime

Orange ................ Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste. The teacher said, "I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, "Oh my God! They're ass-holes!"

Mad World Lyrics

I can’t believe this song is this old – I vaguely remember it from my junior HS/High School days or thereabouts, but its actually from the year when I was a freshman/sophomore In HS. Its been remade several times, most notably for the soundtrack of the movie “Donnie Darko”, <which is where I rediscovered this song> but it pretty much captures that teen angst that people sometimes keep a hold of even into adulthood…

Lyrics to the song “Mad World” from the band Tears for Fears
Songwriters: Roland Orzabal

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Goin' nowhere, goin' nowhere
Their tears are fillin' up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dyin'
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
'Cause I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very
Mad world, mad world
Mad world, mad world

Children waitin' for the day they feel good
Happy birthday, happy birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sits and listen, sits and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson?
Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dyin'
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
'Cause I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very
Mad world, mad world
Mad world, mad world

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dyin'
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
'Cause I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very
Mad world, mad world
Mad world, mad world
A raunchy young world
Mad world


© ROLAND ORZABAL LIMITED

various haikus

Haiku 1:

Giant hole in roof

From giant yellow snowball

Thanks United Airlines…

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Haiku 2:

Cat springs to action

Stretches from head to tail tip

Claws puncturing skin

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Haiku 3:

Mortgage giants fall

Overextended themselves

Took us all with them