Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex....

David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex....

#10...A below par performance is considered damn good.

#9... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.

#8... It's much easier to find the sweet spot.

#7… Foursomes are encouraged.

#6... You can still make money doing it as a senior.

#5... Three times a day is possible

#4... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.

#3... If you live in Florida or Australia, you can do it almost everyday.

#2... You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.

And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex...

#1… If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it!

you have to love working in customer support...

This was a real memo sent out by IBM to its employees. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem and is worth reading again.

“If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, a replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method.

“Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.

“Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.”

an example of the blind leading the blind...

The Texas legislature will soon make it easier for the blind to hunt with guns. All hunters in Texas are currently banned from using laser-sights on their high-powered rifles, a serious hindrance to blind hunters, who generally "sight" their targets by having a friend tell them where to aim. But a new bill passed by the state House and sent to the Senate creates an exemption for the blind, which will "make a much cleaner harvest," said sponsor Rep. Edmund Kuempel. "This will get more blind people back into the outdoors."

Some "tasty" jokes to brighten your day

Q: How many cupcakes does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None, they just wait for the little girl to notice her Easy Bake Oven isn't working.

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WARNING: ADULT CONTENT!!!! <delete this one if you want to share these with your kids!!>

A traveling salesman is driving down an old country road one evening when his car breaks down. He walks to a nearby farmhouse and asks if he can stay the night before going to get help the next morning. The kindly farmer tells him he can stay, on the condition that he does not touch any of the extremely delicious cupcakes that he had just finished baking earlier in the day.

In the middle of the night, the salesman wakes up hungry, walks down into the kitchen and eats all the cupcakes. The cupcakes totally let him too, because cupcakes are sluts like that.

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Q: Why did the cupcake major in hotel and restaurant management?

A: It wanted to be a Hostess.

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A cupcake goes in for a checkup and the doctor tells him, "you're totally unhealthy. You need to cut back on your intakes of eggs, butter, and sugar." To which the cupcake says, "doc, how am I supposed to do that? I'm a cupcake!"

So the doctor ate him.

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Q: Why did the cupcake crash his car?

A: He was totally baked.

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A guy, his camel, and a cupcake are lost in the desert. Eventually, they stumble on a lamp stuck in the sand, and figuring "why not?" give it a rub.

Out comes a genie who says he will grant them three wishes, one apiece. The guy wishes to be sent back home and POOF - he's back home.

The camel wishes to be sent back home and POOF - he's back home.

The cupcake wishes to be sent back home and the genie says, "$<^#* you. I don't take orders from cupcakes."

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Q: Why did the cupcake buy Rogaine?

A: He thought he was losing his sprinkles.

Are mobile phones killing the world's bees?

Are mobile phones killing the world’s bees?

By David Sheets

St Louis Post-Dispatch Talking Tech blog

04/16/2007 3:47 pm

Beekeepers are worried. Their bees are disappearing.

That is, they are flying off to find food and losing their way back to the hive.

Exactly why this is happening is not certain, but bee populations have shrunk in the United States and are decreasing in Europe as a result.

Now, a theory developed at Landau University in Germany presents a possible answer: The bees react adversely to mobile phone transmissions.

According to the institution’s research, bees suffer from acute navigational difficulties when they fly near mobile phones and cellular transmission towers. The electromagnetic radiation emitted from phones and towers possibly interfere with the bees’ own innate directional controls, preventing the bees from finding their way home if they stray too far from their hives.

Beekeepers say the bees are not dying near the hives, and such potential bee killers as parasites, pollution, pesticides and global warming would leave just as many dead bees around hives as live ones.

More than 70 percent of the bee population in the eastern United States has vanished over the past couple of years; out West, the decline is closer to 60 percent. This year, comparable patterns in declining bee populations are showing up across Europe.

Meanwhile, mobile phone use continues to expand — even many children under age 10 have them — and cellular service providers are speeding up construction of signal towers and relay stations to meet demand.

The loss of bees threatens world crops, as nothing else pollinates young fruit and vegetable plants as effectively as bees.

Again, Talking Tech stresses that the connection between missing bees and mobile phone use is theoretical. Research also continues on whether the phones also increase cancer risk, kill brain cells, even lower sperm counts. To date, no definitive relationship exists between mobile phones and these ailments.

TICK WARNING!

TICK WARNING!
I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it myself a couple times...but this one is real, and it's important so please send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list:

If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warming weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!!

IT IS A SCAM!!

They only want to see you naked ... I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid. :(

Tequila and Salt

This should probably be taped to your bathroom mirror where one could read it every day. You may not realize it, but it's 100% true.

1.) There are at least two people in this world that you would die for.

2.) At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.

3.) The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.

4.) A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.

5.) Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.

6.) You mean the world to someone.

7.) You are special and unique.

8.) Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.

9.) When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.

10.) When you think the world has turned its back on you take another look.

11.) Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.

So, if you are a loving friend, send this to everyone, including the one that sent it to you. If you get it back, then they really do love you. And always remember, when life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over! Good friends are like stars, you don't always see them, but you know they are always there. Whenever God closes one door He always opens another, even though sometimes it's hell in the hallway. I would rather have one rose and a kind word from a friend while I'm here than a whole truck load when I'm gone! Forward to all your friends, including me. And don't tell me you're too busy for this -- don't you know the phrase "stop and smell the flowers"? See how many "bouquets" you end up with!

listings on a senior's i-pod

These were the listings discovered on a US Senior's I-Pod:

Herman's Hermits---Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.
Ringo Starr---I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.
The Bee Gees-- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.
Bobby Darin---Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.
Roberta Flack---The First Time Ever, I Forgot Your Face.
Johnny Nash---I Can't See Clearly Now
Paul Simon---Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
The Commodores---Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.
Marvin Gaye---Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.
Procol Harem---A Whiter Shade of Hair.
Leo Sayer---You Make Me Feel Like Napping.
The Temptations---Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.
Abba---Denture Queen.
Tony Orlando---Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.
Helen Reddy---I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.
Leslie Gore---It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.
Willie Nelson---On the Commode Again.

Warn the pope...

In 1981: Prince Charles got married, Liverpool was crowned soccer Champions of Europe, Australia lost the Ashes tournament and the Pope Died….

In 2005: Prince Charles got married, Liverpool was crowned soccer Champions of Europe, Australia lost the Ashes tournament and the Pope Died….

So -- the next time Prince Charles gets married, somebody at least warn the Pope…

trip to the rodeo

Subject: trip to the rodeo

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of their
first stops was the breeding bull exhibit. They went
up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that
said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife
playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said,
"See ... He mated 50 times last year?... that's almost
once a week.

They walked to the second pen which had a sign
attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last
year." The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and
said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn
a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign
attached that said, in capital letters, "THIS BULL
MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR." The wife, so excited that
her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said,
"That's once a day! You could REALLY learn something
from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask
him if it was with the same cow."

NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from
critical to stable, and the doctors say after months
of rehab and a couple more surgeries he will likely be okay.

Jeff The Bellboy

Three couples got married and spent their honeymoons at the same hotel, where they were all attended to by Jeff the Bellboy.

The first man married a nurse.

Jeff showed them to their room, all the while thinking to himself, "Lucky guy! Nurses are known to be hot to trot."

The second man married a telephone operator.

Jeff showed them to their room, while thinking to himself, "Wow, he's one lucky dude. Telephone operators have such sexy voices and once you pop that top button.. Va-voom."

The third man married a school teacher.

Jeff showed them to their room and thought to himself, "Poor sap. She may be pretty, but teachers are way too frigid."

At 5:30 the following morning, Jeff reported to work. He expected the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute, but was sure the other two wouldn't call until much later in the day.

The phone rang at 6 a.m. and it was the nurse's husband wanting breakfast. Jeff took breakfast up to the room and when the husband opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man's pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.

"Sir, what happened?" asked Jeff. "You married a nurse."

"Son, don't ever marry a nurse," the man sourly replied. "All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying, 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary'."

The phone rang again at 6:30 a.m. and this time it was the telephone operator's husband calling for breakfast. Jeff took it to the room as quickly as possible. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man's hair was neatly combed and his pajamas nicely pressed.

"What happened?" Jeff asked with surprise. "Telephone operators as supposed to be as sexy as their voices."

"Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator," the man groaned. "All I heard last night was her nasal voice saying, 'Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up'."

Jeff returned to his desk, sure that the teacher's husband would be calling at any moment.

Finally, at 4 p.m., the teacher's husband called for breakfast.

Jeff couldn't believe it, but quickly took the breakfast to the couple's room. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man was wearing only a pair of boxers, his hair was a mess, and there were scratches all over his chest, arms and legs.

"My goodness sir, what happened to you?" Jeff asked, fearing the worst. "Did you have a fight?"

The man, grinning from ear to ear, happily replied, "No. Son, when you marry be sure it's to a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy, smooth voice saying, 'We're going to do this over, and over, and over again, until we get it right'."