questions questions questions...

Question: What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS?

Answer: A crazy bitch who will find you!

Meet Dave...Dave's a real fine family man...

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?”

His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.

“Oh, no,” says Dave, “He’s on my bowling team.”

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?”

“She’s in the Ladies’ Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”

Then, a stripper comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave and says, “Hi Davey. Want your usual lap dance, big boy?”

Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.”

memories...all alone in the moonlight...

“Cats” is the longest-running show on Broadway to date, romanticizing the mysterious lives and habits of America’s most popular pet. But even with the lively dancing and popular songs, it doesn’t really capture the true-to-life behavior of our feline companions. So here is how “Cats” could more accurately portray the true essence of our furry friends…

Audience members would enter the auditorium only to find their seats had been clawed and covered with fur. Part of the performance would include the cast climbing and shredding the theater curtains. Performers would leap off the stage and run up the aisles at the recorded sound of a can opener in the lobby. Sometimes the cast would perform, but sometimes not -- depending on their mood. In the middle of a performance various cast members would curl up and go to sleep, even in the middle of a song. When certain audience members opened their playbills, a cast member would attempt to lie down on it. A special audience member would find a headless bird in his/her seat after the intermission.

For no apparent reason, cast members would randomly run to the lobby, and then back to the stage at top speed. They would then continue as if nothing had happened. The show would need to be stopped several times to allow cast members to “bathe” themselves. The stage would be stained from someone coughing up a hairball.

Snack bar employees would constantly be reprimanding cast members for walking on the counter. Open the stall door and guess who is drinking from the toilet? Performers would find sand in the lobby ashtrays and -- well, we don’t have to draw a picture here, do we?

The big finale would feature a giant ball of yarn, feathers on a pole, and stray strands of dental floss. Most of the final act would consist of the cast just staring at the audience.

Theater patrons waiting outside the stage door after performances would get their legs rubbed, if they were lucky. And the best part? Cast members would never cash their paychecks, just play with them.

The Funeral Bagpiper speaks...

As a Bagpiper, I play many funeral gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the Kentucky backcountry.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn’t stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man. And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low my heart was full. As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “Sweet Mother of Jesus, I never seen nothin’ like that before, and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years...”

Letters to Santa...

deer santa:

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv bin a gud boy all yeer.

Yer Frend,

BiLLy

Dear Billy,

Nice spelling! You’re on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I give you a frigging book so you can learn to read and write? I’m giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!

Santa

* * * * * * * * * *

Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!

Love,

Sarah

Dear Sarah,

Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn’t they?

Santa

* * * * * * * * * *

Dear Santa,

I don’t know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I’d like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love,

Teddy

Dear Teddy

-- Look, your dad’s banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he’s gonna give that up to come back to your frigid, fat mom, who rides his ass constantly? It’s time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Maybe you can build yourself a family with those?

Santa

* * * * * * * * * *

Dear Santa,

I want a new bike, a Play Station, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.

Love,

Francis

Dear Francis,

Who names their kid ‘Francis’ nowadays? I’m giving you a doll instead because I bet you’re gay.

Santa

* * * * * * * * * *

Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.

Love,

Susan

Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Two words: Jim Beam.

Santa

* * * * * * * * * *

Dear Santa,

What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?

Your friend,

Thomas

Dear Thomas,

All the toys are made by little kids like you in China. Every year I give them a slice of bread as a Christmas bonus. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table.

Santa

P.S. Tell your mom she got the part.

* * * * * * * * * *

Dear Santa,

Do you see us when we’re sleeping, do you really know when we’re awake, like in the song?

Love,

Jessica

Dear Jessica,

Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I’m skipping your house.

Santa

* * * * * * * * * *

Dear Santa,

I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?

Timmy

Dear Timmy,

Timmy, That whiny begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn’t work with me. You’re getting an ugly sweater again.

Santa

* * * * * * * * * *

Dearest Santa,

We don’t have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?

Love,

Marky

Mark,

First, stop calling yourself ‘Marky,’ that’s why you’re getting your ass kicked at school. Second, you don’t live in a house, you live in a low-rent, ghetto apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.

Sweet Dreams,

Santa