memories...all alone in the moonlight...

“Cats” is the longest-running show on Broadway to date, romanticizing the mysterious lives and habits of America’s most popular pet. But even with the lively dancing and popular songs, it doesn’t really capture the true-to-life behavior of our feline companions. So here is how “Cats” could more accurately portray the true essence of our furry friends…

Audience members would enter the auditorium only to find their seats had been clawed and covered with fur. Part of the performance would include the cast climbing and shredding the theater curtains. Performers would leap off the stage and run up the aisles at the recorded sound of a can opener in the lobby. Sometimes the cast would perform, but sometimes not -- depending on their mood. In the middle of a performance various cast members would curl up and go to sleep, even in the middle of a song. When certain audience members opened their playbills, a cast member would attempt to lie down on it. A special audience member would find a headless bird in his/her seat after the intermission.

For no apparent reason, cast members would randomly run to the lobby, and then back to the stage at top speed. They would then continue as if nothing had happened. The show would need to be stopped several times to allow cast members to “bathe” themselves. The stage would be stained from someone coughing up a hairball.

Snack bar employees would constantly be reprimanding cast members for walking on the counter. Open the stall door and guess who is drinking from the toilet? Performers would find sand in the lobby ashtrays and -- well, we don’t have to draw a picture here, do we?

The big finale would feature a giant ball of yarn, feathers on a pole, and stray strands of dental floss. Most of the final act would consist of the cast just staring at the audience.

Theater patrons waiting outside the stage door after performances would get their legs rubbed, if they were lucky. And the best part? Cast members would never cash their paychecks, just play with them.