This is just damn funny!

President Bush was visiting a primary school and, while there, he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy”.  So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".

 

One little boy stood up and offered, "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field, and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy."

 

"No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."

 

A little girl raised her hand, "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

 

"I'm afraid not," explained the president.  "That's what we would call a great loss."

 

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

 

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand.  In a quiet voice he said, "If Air Force One carrying you and Mrs. Bush was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

 

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right.  And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"

 

"Well," says the boy, "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either…”

 

AVAST YE HARTIES!!!

Subject: AVAST YE HARTIES!!!

 

Don’t forget, folks, today September 19, is

 

International Talk Like A Pirate Day!!!!

Ye scallywags better be a participatin’ else ye end up in Davy Jones Locker.  With Davy Jones oooolllldddd sweat socks.  Ay, here’s a translator to help ye.

 

http://www.talklikeapirate.com/translator.html

 

 

learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all...

GREATEST LOVE OF ALL

written by Michael Masser and Linda Creed

I believe that children are our future
Teach them well and let them lead the way
Show them all the beauty they possess inside
Give them a sense of pride to make it easier
Let the children's laughter remind us how we used to be

Everybody's searching for a hero
People need someone to look up to
I never found anyone who fulfilled my need
A lonely place to be and so I learned to depend on me

I decided long ago never to walk in anyone's shadow
If I fail, if I succeed at least I'll live as I believe
No matter what they take from me, they can't take away my dignity
Because the greatest love of all is happening to me
I found the greatest love of all inside of me
The greatest love of all is easy to achieve

Learning to love yourself, it is the greatest love of all

I believe that children are our future
Teach them well and let them lead the way
Show them all the beauty they possess inside
Give them a sense of pride to make it easier
Let the children's laughter remind us of how we used to be

I decided long ago never to walk in anyone's shadow
If I fail, if I succeed at least I'll live as I believe
No matter what they take from me, they can't take away my dignity
Because the greatest love of all is happening to me
I found the greatest love of all inside of me
The greatest love of all is easy to achieve

Learning to love yourself, it is the greatest love of all

And if by chance that special place that you've been dreaming of
Leads you to a lonely place, find your strength in love

This is a very popular song. If you want to get an idea of how hard it is for people to love themselves, pose this question, "You know the song "Greatest Love of All" by Whitney Houston. What does she say is the greatest love of all?" Many know the song well, but can't give the correct answer, because they are too uncomfortable to have heard the real message.

That other story is the fairy tale - this is reality, the one that should have been read to us when we were little

Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: " Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.  One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself, "I don't freakin' think so."

 

check out this t-shirt site!

WARNING - this may not be work appropriate!
Check out this t-shirt site!

http://www.noisebot.com/

sick, extremely sick..but incredibly fun and addictive...its a game

Hey, I didnt write it....but, in a way....I WISH I DID! MUHAHAHAHAH!
Just kiddin....

http://www.owensworld.com/flashgames/play.php?id=199

too much time on their hands...

This has got to be one of the cleverest E-mails I've received in awhile.  Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.

 

(Wait till you see the last one)!

 

DORMITORY:  When you rearrange the letters:  DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:  When you rearrange the letters:  BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:  When you rearrange the letters:  MOON STARER

DESPERATION:  When you rearrange the letters:  A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:  When you rearrange the letters:  THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:  When you rearrange the letters:  HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:  When you rearrange the letters:  HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:  When you rearrange the letters:  CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:  When you rearrange the letters:  IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:  When you rearrange the letters:  LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:  When you rearrange the letters:  ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:  When you rearrange the letters:  IM A DOT IN PLACE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:  When you rearrange the letters:  TWELVE PLUS ONE

 

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

 

MOTHER-IN-LAW:  When you rearrange the letters:  WOMAN HITLER

 

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands!

(Probably a son-in-law)

There are only two things in life you can count on...

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom? "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be."

"Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me."

"Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up."

"Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver."

"Husband #5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state- of-the-art method."

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not."

"Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it."

"Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it."

"Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look."

"Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was............ God, I miss him!".........

"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"

"Wonderful," said the husband, "but, why?"

"You're with the Government...This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed"

Edna's Date

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date.  I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me that I shouldn't go out with him?"

Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress! "

Subject: New Warning

This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Emigration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of convenience store managers.  And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell customer service reps, Motel managers, and liquor store cashiers.

It's getting ugly!!!

A Golf Story

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.  Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.  We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's arse. Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!'"

"I don't remember much after that."

A Nun's Story

A nun is sitting with her mother superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

"When did you use this awful language?" asked the elder.

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

"Is that when you swore?" asks the mother superior again.

"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is that when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.

"No, not yet, as the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear then?" asked mother superior, becoming impatient.

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stop about six inches from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment.

Then mother superior sighed and asked, "You missed the fuckin putt, didn't you?"

The History of Labor Day

The History of Labor Day

Labor Day, the first Monday in September, is a creation of the labor movement and is dedicated to the social and economic achievements of American workers. It constitutes a yearly national tribute to the contributions workers have made to the strength, prosperity, and well-being of our country.

Founder of Labor Day

Some records show that Peter J. McGuire, general secretary of the Brotherhood of Carpenters and Joiners and a cofounder of the American Federation of Labor, was first in suggesting a day to honor those "who from rude nature have delved and carved all the grandeur we behold."

But Peter McGuire's place in Labor Day history has not gone unchallenged. Many believe that Matthew Maguire, a machinist, not Peter McGuire, founded the holiday. Recent research seems to support the contention that Matthew Maguire, later the secretary of Local 344 of the International Association of Machinists in Paterson, N.J., proposed the holiday in 1882 while serving as secretary of the Central Labor Union in New York. What is clear is that the Central Labor Union adopted a Labor Day proposal and appointed a committee to plan a demonstration and picnic.

The First Labor Day

The first Labor Day holiday was celebrated on Tuesday, September 5, 1882, in New York City, in accordance with the plans of the Central Labor Union. The Central Labor Union held its second Labor Day holiday just a year later, on September 5, 1883.

In 1884 the first Monday in September was selected as the holiday, as originally proposed, and the Central Labor Union urged similar organizations in other cities to follow the example of New York and celebrate a "workingmen's holiday" on that date. The idea spread with the growth of labor organizations, and in 1885 Labor Day was celebrated in many industrial centers of the country.

A Nationwide Holiday

The form that the observance and celebration of Labor Day should take were outlined in the first proposal of the holiday — a street parade to exhibit to the public "the strength and esprit de corps of the trade and labor organizations" of the community, followed by a festival for the recreation and amusement of the workers and their families. This became the pattern for the celebrations of Labor Day. Speeches by prominent men and women were introduced later, as more emphasis was placed upon the economic and civic significance of the holiday. Still later, by a resolution of the American Federation of Labor convention of 1909, the Sunday preceding Labor Day was adopted as Labor Sunday and dedicated to the spiritual and educational aspects of the labor movement.

The vital force of labor added materially to the highest standard of living and the greatest production the world has ever known and has brought us closer to the realization of our traditional ideals of economic and political democracy. It is appropriate, therefore, that the nation pay tribute on Labor Day to the creator of so much of the nation's strength, freedom, and leadership —You— the American worker.

 

joke headlines that make you think...Dateline...NEW YAWK...

NEW YORK -- A public school teacher was arrested today at John
F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in
possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a
calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales
said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement.

He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI
with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Gonzales said. "They desire
solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search
of absolute values.

They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to
themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common
denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3
sides to every triangle'."

When asked to comment on the arrest, George W. Bush said, "If
God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have
given us more fingers and toes."

Aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or
profound statement made by the President.