Students in England Show Off CLEVER Car

By SUEVON LEE, Associated Press Writer
Wed Apr 26, 7:27 PM ET
BATH, England (AP) - It has two seats, three wheels and so far has cost
$2.9 million. Students at the University of Bath in western England, who
on Monday unveiled the prototype of the CLEVER (Compact Low Emission
Vehicle for Urban Transport), hope that it represents a greener future
for transport.

The prototype, a skeletal speedster which had safety netting in place of
body panels, exhibited the general design and technology of the vehicle
rather than its actual, finished appearance.

It has the compactness of a motorcycle but the safety of a car, and
cornering is smoothed by a tilting technology developed by mechanical
engineering students Matt Barker, 29, Ben Drew, 27 and their instructors.

Equipped to handle both city streets and long-distance highway driving,
the vehicle runs on compressed natural gas, is capable of 80 mph speeds.

"The goal was to produce a lower-emission vehicle and to combine the
efficiency of a motorcycle with the comfort and safety of a car," said
Drew, who demonstrated the ease of steering with several laps around the
lot.

The concept vehicle is the fruit of a three-year project funded by the
European Union, drawing on the expertise of German, French and Austrian
organizations_ including BMW — along with the Bath team.

Other partners included the Technische Universitaet Berlin, the Institut
Francais Du Petrole in Vernaison near Lyon, and the Institut Fuer
Verkehrswesen Universitaet Fuer Bodenkultur in Vienna.

The French team developed the 218cc engine, based on the Rotax engine
used in the BMW C1 scooter.

Limiting pollution was a big push for the project, according to the
project's coordinators. And with rising fuel costs a rising concern for
drivers in Europe, the car's use of natural gas emissions is one of its
sterling points, according to the Bath design team.

"As fuel prices go up and up, people will look at how else they can get
around," said Geraint Owen, a lecturer at the university who helped lead
the team project.

Running on compressed natural gas, its fuel consumption is equivalent to
108 miles per gallon.

A commercial version could be a decade away, assuming a manufacturer is
interested, Owen said. He said it would be priced in the micro-car
bracket of around $8,500-$17,000.

"The idea of a narrow vehicle that is light has its significant
advantages," he said. "It's less dangerous than a motorcycle."

The CLEVER car is fun to drive, according to Drew. The Bath team worked
on design, suspension, steering, and transmission for their part of the
collaboration, he said.

"It's been full-time for 40 months," he said of the project, which also
served as his and Barker's dissertations.

"It's quite fun and very stable," he said. "It doesn't feel out of
balance. You steer it like a car."

Matthew Butler, 20, a French and politics major who watched the
demonstration, said fuel economy was a big attraction.

Butler said he pays about $62 every three weeks to fill his 13.2 gallon
tank, at a time when gas is about $6.70 per gallon.

___

On the Net:

CLEVER project, http://www.bath.ac.uk/mech-eng/en-proj20/index.html

From The International Council of Manhood, Ltd. - The International Rules of Manhood

The International Rules Of Manhood Are As Follows:

1.)  Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2.)  It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
        (a.)  When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
        (b.)  The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
        (c.)  After wrecking your boss' car.
        (d.)  One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
        (e.)  When she is using her teeth.

3.)  Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4.)  Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5.)  If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6.)  Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7.)  No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8.)  On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9.)  When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10.)  You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11.)  It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12.)  Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13.)  Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14.)  Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15.)  If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16.)  Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17.)  A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18.)  Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19.)  If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20.)  Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21.)  Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
        (a.) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
        (b.) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
        (c.) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22.)  Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23.)  Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.  Hang up if necessary.

24.)  The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25.)  It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26.)  Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27.)  The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox.  End of story.

28.)  There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.  Issue closed.

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below.

"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

We hope this clears up any confusion.

The International Council of Manhood, Ltd.

No more MUSICAL FRUIT!?!?!?

Study shows secret to gas-free beans
Wed Apr 26, 1:01 PM ET
WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Two strains of bacteria are the key to making beans flatulence-free, Venezuelan researchers reported on Tuesday.
They identified two bacteria, Lactobacillus casei and Lactobacillus plantarum, which can be added to beans so they cause minimal distress to those who eat them, and to those around the bean-lovers, Marisela Granito of Simon Bolivar University in Caracas, Venezuela and colleagues reported.
Flatulence is gas released by bacteria that live in the large intestine when they break down food. Fermenting makes food more digestible earlier on.
Writing in the Journal of the Science of Food and Agriculture, Granito and colleagues found that adding these two gut bacteria to beans before cooking them made them even less likely to cause flatulence.
They tested black beans, known scientifically as Phaseolus vulgaris.
"Legumes, and particularly Phaseolus vulgaris, are an important source of nutrients, especially in developing countries," Granito's team wrote in the report.
"In spite of being part of the staple diets of these populations, their consumption is limited by the flatulence they produce."
Smart cooks know they can ferment beans, and make them less
gas-inducing, by cooking them in the liquor from a previous batch. But Granito's team wanted to find out just which bacteria were responsible for this.
When the researchers fermented black beans with the two bacteria, they found it decreased the soluble fiber content by more than 60 percent and lowered levels of raffinose, a compound known to cause gas, by 88 percent.
They fed the beans to rats and then analyzed the rats' droppings to ensure that the beans were digested and kept their nutritional value.
When pre-soaked in the L. casei, the beans stayed nutritious and produced few gas-causing compounds, they reported.
"Therefore, the lactic acid bacteria involved in the bean fermentation, which include L. casei as a probiotic, could be used as functional starter cultures in the food industry," the researchers wrote.
"Likewise, the cooking applied after induced fermentation produced an additional diminution of the compounds related to flatulence."

about saving fuel and improving the fuel economy that you get

With gas getting close to $3.00 a gallon these few tips could potentially save you a substantial amount of money. Everyone always sends around chain e-mails about not buying gas on a certain day or boycotting the larger oil companies but these things just will not work in the long run. The oil companies will still make their money regardless if you buy gas on Tuesday or on Wednesday because you need fuel for your daily life. One thing that WILL lead to lower prices without a doubt (and most economists agree on this fact) is a reduction in fuel consumption. If the US consumed 10% less fuel overall then we would see prices dip below $2 a gallon again. So even if you drive a large SUV, a hybrid, or a midsize you can benefit greatly from these tips:

• Observe the speed limit or try to drive 5 mph below the limit. As a rule of thumb, you can assume that each 5 mph you drive over 60 is like paying an additional $0.19 per gallon. http://www.fueleconomy.gov/feg/driveHabits.shtml
• Avoid keeping unnecessary items in your vehicle, especially heavy ones. An extra 100 pounds in your vehicle could reduce your MPG by up to 2%. The reduction is based on the percentage of extra weight relative to the vehicle's weight and affects smaller vehicles more than larger ones. http://www.fueleconomy.gov/feg/driveHabits.shtml
• Replacing a clogged air filter can improve your car's gas mileage by as much as 10 percent. Your car's air filter keeps impurities from damaging the inside of your engine. Not only will replacing a dirty air filter save gas, it will protect your engine. http://www.fueleconomy.gov/feg/maintain.shtml
• Avoid excessive warm-up time. Modern engines do not require it. http://www.womanmotorist.com/index.php/news/main/1880/event=view
• Avoid jack-rabbit starts – accelerate smoothly and slowly rather than stepping hard on the gas pedal. http://www.womanmotorist.com/index.php/news/main/1880/event=view
• When a car is idling, it is using fuel, yet not going anywhere. This translates to 0 mpg. When you leave your car running while you are waiting in line at the drive-thru, or as you wait outside your kids' school, you are wasting fuel. It is more efficient to turn the engine off while you wait and then restart the car. If that's not practical (like in the line at McDonald's), then park the car and go inside instead. http://www.edmunds.com/reviews/list/top10/103164/article.html
• Running your air conditioner does cause your vehicle to consume more fuel, but driving with your windows rolled down can be even worse due to the increase of drag on the vehicle. If you are driving slowly, such as around town or in city traffic, then you are better off leaving your windows open, if at all possible. For highway driving, roll up the windows and turn the air conditioning on. http://www.edmunds.com/reviews/list/top10/103164/article.html
• Buy gasoline during coolest time of day - early morning or late evening is best. During these times gasoline is densest. Keep in mind - gas pumps measure volumes of gasoline, not densities of fuel concentration. You are charged according to "volume of measurement". http://www.howtoadvice.com/SavingGas
• Park car so that you can later begin to travel in forward gear; avoid reverse gear maneuvers to save gas. http://www.howtoadvice.com/SavingGas

Good Sermon

A man finally goes with his wife to church, after promising her for weeks that he'd go. Surprisingly, the man was so impressed with the preacher's sermon he stopped on the way out to shake his hand.

"Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a DAMN fine sermon."

The preacher says, "Why thank you sir, but we don't used profanity in the house of the Lord."

The man says, "But preacher, seriously, I'm not a religious man, but that was the best DAMNED sermon I ever heard."

The preacher says again, "Sir, while I appreciate what you're trying to say, I must be blunt: DO NOT use curse words in the Lord's house again."

The man says, "Well, anyway, I was so impressed with your sermon that I placed $5000 dollars in the collection plate".

The Pastor said, “No Shit!"

Tough Operation

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside an operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?”

The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out, and I’m a little nervous.”

The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up, they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze.”

The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?” “A circumcision,” the first kid answers.

“Whoa!” the second kid says. “Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. I couldn’t walk for a year.”

Certain smiley thoughts...

- Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
- Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
- I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said, "Implants?" She hit me.
- How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America ?
- A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Wow...that was fun!"

Nun feeling the "draft"

A soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there.  Out of breath he asked, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes.  I'll explain WHY later."  The nun agreed. 

Just a moment later, two Military Police came running along and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier running by here??"

The nun replied, "He went that way."  After the MP's disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't want to go to Iraq."

The nun said, "I think I can fully understand your fear."
The soldier added, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a a great pair of balls.  I don't want to go to Iraq either!"

An innocent little Lawyer joke...

Don't take it personal laywer type people - you cant get blood from a turnip...(grin!)

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.  Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.  "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree"
"Bring them along" the lawyer replied.  Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.  Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

THE HEALTH BENEFITS OF PEROXIDE

1.)  Take one capful - the little white cap that comes with the bottle - and hold in your mouth for 10 minutes daily, then spit it out.  Some do it when they bathe.  No more canker sores and your teeth will be whiter without expensive pastes.  Use it instead of mouthwash.

2.)  Let your toothbrushes soak in a cup of peroxide to keep them free of germs.
3.)  Clean your counters, table tops with peroxide to kill germs and leave a fresh smell.  Simply put a little on your dishrag when you wipe, or spray it on the counters.

4.)  After rinsing off your wooden cutting board, pour peroxide on it to kill salmonella and other bacteria.
5.)  People who have had fungus on their feet for years - reported spraying a 50/50 mixture of peroxide and water on them - especially the toes - every night and let dry - works wonders.

6.)  Soak any infections or cuts in 3% peroxide for five to ten minutes several times a day.  Some have seen gangrene that would not heal with any medicine, but was healed by soaking in peroxide

7.)  Fill a spray bottle with a 50/50 mixture of peroxide and water and keep it in every bathroom to disinfect without harming your septic system like bleach or most other disinfectants will.

8.)  Tilt your head back and spray into nostrils with your 50/50 mixture whenever you have a cold, plugged sinus.  It will bubble and help to kill the bacteria.  Hold for a few minutes then blow your nose into tissue.  Rhinovirus and other cold causers hang out in the nose, so this makes sense.

9.)  If you have a terrible toothache and can not get to a dentist right away, put a capful of 3% peroxide into your mouth and hold it for ten minutes several times a day.  The pain will lessen greatly.

10.)  One for the people who like to dye their hair - of course - if you like a natural look to your hair, spray the 50/50 solution on your wet hair after a shower and comb it through.  You will not have the peroxide burnt blonde hair like the hair dye packages, but more natural highlights if your hair is a light brown, faddish, or dirty blonde.  It also lightens gradually so it's not a drastic change.

11.)  Put half a bottle of peroxide in your bath to help rid boils, fungus, or other skin infections.
12.)  You can also add a cup of peroxide instead of bleach to a load of whites in your laundry to whiten them.  If there is blood on clothing, pour directly on the soiled spot.  Let it sit for a minute, then rub it and rinse with cold water.  Repeat if necessary.

13.)  Some have used peroxide to clean mirrors with, there is no smearing, and some swear by it.
It is a little brown bottle no home should be without!  With prices of most necessities rising, be glad there's a way to save tons of money in such a simple, healthy manner!

Post Tax Day humor

I swear, I would never want to be an IRS auditor or agent…

The Internal Revenue sends their auditor, a nasty little man, to audit a synagogue.
The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.
"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up.  When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker.  And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer.  So he thought he'd try another question, in his obnoxious way.  "Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases?  What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.  "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"

"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi.  "What we do is save up all the foreskins.  And when we have enough we actually send them to the Internal Revenue Service."

"Internal Revenue Service?" questioned the auditor in disbelief.
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "Internal Revenue Service.  And about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."

Children's questions whilst flying

A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.  The little boy, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"

The mother couldn't think of an answer.  "Ask the stewardess," she told him. 
So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess.   The stewardess, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?" 

The boy said, "Yes, she did."
"Well, then," she replied.  "You go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time.  Have your Mom explain that to you."

WACKY HEADLINES

1.) Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
2.) Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say
3.) Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
4.) Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case
5.) Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
6.) British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
7.) Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
8.) Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
9.) Miners Refuse to Work After Death
10.) Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
11.) Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
12.) War Dims Hope for Peace
13.) If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
14.) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
15.) Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
16.) New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
17.) Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space
18.) Kids Make Nutritious Snacks 20. Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Suicide or murder...here's the evidence, you decide...

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS, President Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story:

On March 23,1994 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr. Opus had jumped from the top of a ten story building intending to commit suicide. He left a note to that effect, indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window which killed him instantly.

Neither the shooter nor the descender was aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.

"Ordinarily," Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended, is still defined as committing suicide."

That Mr. Opus was shot on the way to certain death, but probably would not have been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands. The room on the ninth floor, whence the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window, striking Mr. Opus.

When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with the murder charge the old man and his wife were both adamant. They both said they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was his long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.

The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

Now comes the exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window. The son had actually murdered himself so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide

Not for the squeamish!

Vicious Dog Pack kills Gator In Florida - Dogs savage everglade alligator

At times nature can be cruel, but there is also a raw beauty, and even a certain justice manifested within that cruelty.

The alligator, one of the oldest and ultimate predators, normally considered the "apex predator" in it's natural eco-system, can still fall victim to implemented 'team work' strategy, made possible due to the tight knit social structure and "survival of the fittest pack mentality", bred into the canines over the last several hundreds of years by natural selection.

See the attached remarkable photograph courtesy of Nature Magazine ...Note that the Alpha dog has a muzzle hold on the gator preventing it from breathing, while the remainder of the pack prevents the beast from rolling.

We strongly recommend that you preview this privately before determining if a younger audience views the photo below

PC Terms we can all enjoy...

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES." You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore..
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."
3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED."
8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."
12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."
6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."
7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."
10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE"

New Living Will Form

I, _(your name here)___________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.

Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it or lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the bills.

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following (please check at least one, else, what good is this for, forchrissakes!?!?):

______ a cold beer

______ a glass of wine

______ a Bloody Mary

______ a Margarita

______ a Scotch and soda

______ a Martini

______ a Vodka and Tonic

______ a Bourbon on the rocks

______ a Steak

______ Lobster or crab legs

______ The remote control

______ a Bowl of ice cream

______ The sports page

______ a new rifle

______ Chocolate

______ Sex

It should be presumed that I won't ever get better.

When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.

Signature: ___________________________

Date: ___________________________

Extremely Punny - Prepare to be punned at the end of this one...

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.  He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. 
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday," the frog asks the teller.
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief.  "What's your name?" she asks.
The frog says "Kermit Jagger.  My dad's Mick Jagger.  It's okay, I know the bank manager."
Patty explains "No matter what, you will need to secure the loan with some collateral."
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. 

Very confused, Patty explains, "I'll have to consult with the bank manager."  She leaves her post, and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."  She holds up the tiny pink elephant.  "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack.  Give the frog a loan.  His old man's a
Rolling Stone."

Never take life too seriously!
Come on now, you groaned, I know you did!!!

You never know who you're going to be able to save sometimes

A parable - this really didn't happen to me…
Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare & serious disease.  Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness.  The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister.  I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, "Yes I'll do it if it will save her."

As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheek.  Then his face grew pale and his smile faded.  He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice,

"Will I start to die right away".
Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor - he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood in order to save her.

Obstacles can be opportunities...

In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a roadway.  Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock.  Some of the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it.  Many loudly blamed the King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the stone out of the way.  Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables.  Upon approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to

move the stone to the side of the road.  After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded.  After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been.  The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the King indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway.  The peasant learned what many of us never understand - every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition.

Be generous to those who serve you...

In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10-year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table.  A

waitress put a glass of water in front of him. 
"How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked.
"Fifty cents," replied the waitress.
The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it.
"Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired.
By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient.  "Thirty-five cents," she brusquely replied.

The little boy again counted his coins.  "I'll have the plain ice cream," he said.
The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away.  The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left.  When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table.  There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies.  You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had to have

enough left to leave her a tip.

You never know who you may help...

One night, at 11:30 p.m., an older African American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rainstorm.  Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride.  Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car.  A young white man stopped to help her, generally unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960s.  The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxicab.  She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his address and thanked him.  Seven days went by and a knock came on the man's door.  To his surprise, a giant console color TV was delivered to his home.  A special note was attached - It read:

"Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night.  The rain drenched not only my clothes, but also my spirits.  Then you came along.  Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband's bedside just before he passed away.  God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others."

Sincerely,
Mrs. Nat King Cole

Keep in mind that everyone's important!

During my second month of college, our professor gave us a pop quiz.  I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions until I read the last one:

"What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?"
Surely this was some kind of joke.  I had seen the cleaning woman several times.  She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name?  I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank.  Just before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade.

"Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers, you will meet many people.  All are significant.  They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say "hello."

I've never forgotten that lesson - I also learned her name was Dorothy.

Who said Mexicans were dumb?

An old man lived alone in New Mexico.  He wanted to spade his chili garden, but it was very hard work.  His only son, Francisco, who used to help him, was in prison.  The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Oye Francisco,

I feeling pretty bad cuz I do not think I will be able to plant my chili gardenz this year.  I just getting too viejo to dig a garden, but if you waz here, all mi problemas wood be over.  I know you wood dig the plot for me.

Siempre,
tu Papi

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Papi,

Por favor, no! Don't dig up the garden! That's where I buried the BODIES!

Love,
Francisco

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.  They apologized to the old man and left.  That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papi,

Go ahead and plant the chilis now. It’s the best I could do.

Love,
Francisco