yet another amusing rybzrczyk column from the ol StL P-D

I think I’ve had just about all the winter I can stand

By Bob Rybarczyk

SPECIAL TO THE POST-DISPATCH

02/26/2008

You know what, Mother Nature? It’s not funny anymore. It’s not funny, and it’s not fun.

Enough with the snow. OK? Same with all the ice. I’ve had enough. Take your stupid snow, and your stupid ice, and your stupid sleet, and stick it…well, I think you know where I’d like you to stick it.

Don’t give me that offended look. You’re a spiteful, mean old hag, and I’ve had just about enough. You know what happens every single time you drop another load of your wintry nonsense on my front lawn? I’ll tell you what happens. Two words, lady: snow days.

I cannot begin to tell you how much havoc snow days wreak on my life. I’m a divorced dad, which means I’m already spending most of my rapidly fading thirties driving around town to pick up or drop off kids. Between Colette and me, we have three kids, two custody schedules and two jobs. Our lives are crazy enough when you aren’t up to your shenanigans, you wrinkled battle axe.

When the kids don’t have school because of rotten weather, things go from crazy to stupid-crazy. All the usual pick-up and drop-off routines, which have little margin for error to begin with, get shot straight to hell. We end up spending half of any snow day on the phone, trying to figure out normally are supposed to be. And if they can’t get to where they need to be, things have to be rescheduled, which causes things on the rescheduled dates to get rescheduled, and essentially the fabric of our universe folds upon itself until everything inside it implodes.

But that’s not even the worst of it. No, the worst thing about snow days is that the kids don’t have school.

Do you understand the ramifications of that phrase, you embittered wench? When the kids don’t have school, they stay home. All day. All. Day. Long.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I like my kids. But under certain conditions, kids are like vodka: best enjoyed in moderation. Too much of either will give you a massive headache and/or make you clammy. Having a house full of kids on a snow day is the parenting equivalent of a weekend bender in Soulard.

Under normal circumstances, a day at home with my girls is not a huge deal. But on a snow day, you see, the kids are trapped. They’re stuck inside and bored out of their minds. If I let them watch TV, they become so unresponsive to outside stimuli that I’m compelled to hold my finger under their noses to make sure they’re still exhaling. If I make them turn off the TV, they start playing with each other, which is good, but eventually they start arguing over which one of them “gets to be Hermione” or something like that, which makes me want to repeatedly close the garage door on my face.

If the kids want to play in the snow, since it’s super-cold out, they can’t do it for long. And it’s kind of a pain for me, because I have to stop what I’m doing to make sure they’re properly bundled. When they come back in, I have to stop what I’m doing in order to make sure they don’t slop the entire house with snow and muck.

And you see, you mangy battle-axe, all this stopping and starting is a pain, because unlike the children, I don’t get snow days. If I’m home with the kids, I still have to work. Have you ever tried to finish writing a presentation when you’re being asked what’s for lunch, what kind of animal Shrek is, and why I think it’s perfectly fair to deny a mid-afternoon “waffle break?” Of course you don’t. You’re Mother Nature, destroyer of schedules and patron saint of inconvenience. You probably don’t even know what Power Point is. You disgust me.

This all wouldn’t be so bad if it only happened once or twice each winter. But for some reason, it keeps happening this winter. It seems like we’ve had six or seven snow days already. That’s way too much, lady. Way too much. We’re only two-thirds of the way through winter. We should have only had maybe two snow days by now. We had two snow days last week alone.

Do you hear me, Mother Nature? It’s time to stop. No more snow days. I’m sick of trying to work with the Disney Channel blaring in the background. I’m sick of snow, I’m sick of ice, I’m sick of it all. As a matter of fact, I’m sick of winter entirely. I’m tired of it being dark when I wake up and dark when I get home at night. I’m tired of gray skies and dead plants and mucky tires.

I demand that you start spring immediately. I’m not kidding. By the end of this week, I want 70 degrees, lush foliage, and tasty ballpark nachos. I want kids in school and my life back to normal. I’ve had it with your nonsense, Mother Nature, and I’m not taking it any more. Either you start spring this very instant or I’ll…uh, I’ll…well…

Drat.

I’m starting to understand why your first name is Mother.

Bob Rybarczyk (brybarczyk@sbcglobal.net) writes stuff. He’s thrilled that he once again was not asked to compete on “Dancing With The Stars.” Look for his novel, “Acoustic Kitty,” ($15.95) at Amazon and other online booksellers. Drop him a line to sign up for his handy FringeMail reminder service.

inappropriate tree hugging...

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco , a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

"You've gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the heck happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake..."

MORE GOLDEN OLDIES

These are songs on a Senior’s I-Pod…

(I may have run these before, but I can’t remember…)

Ringo Starr - I Get By With a Little Help From Depends

The Bee Gees - How Can You Mend a Broken Hip

Bobby Darin - Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash

Roberta Flack - The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

Johnny Nash - I Can't See Clearly Now

Paul Simon - Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

The Commodores - Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom

Herman's Hermits - Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker

Marvin Gaye - Heard It Through the Grape Nuts

Procol Harem - A Whiter Shade of Hair

Leo Sayer - You Make Me Feel Like Napping

The Temptations - Papa's Got a Kidney Stone

Abba - Denture Queen

Helen Reddy - I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore

Leslie Gore - It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To

Willie Nelson - On the Commode Again

in the irony can be pretty ironic once again dept...

“We regret to announce that due to unforeseen circumstances… publication of The Astrological Magazine will cease with the 12/ 2007 issue.”

~ Dr. B. V. Raman, Founder/Editor

he was so clever that Samuel Clemens...

“It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.”

~ Mark Twain

could've heard a pin drop...

A U.S. Navy Admiral attended a conference that included Admirals from the English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies as well. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks, but a French admiral suddenly complained that, “Whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than French?”

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied, “Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.”

You could have heard a pin drop...

from phil proctor's Planet Proctor Feb 2007...

Although I do not prescribe to the right wing’s frenzied exploitation of illegal immigration, I do acknowledge that it is a problem that must be addressed. So if you’re

really out to prove your point, put your pesos where your boca is and immerse yourself in the problem first-hand…

At Parque Eco Alberto, about three hours out of Mexico City, you can experience a simulated “Night Border Crossing”, and for only 18 dollars American, take a four-hour hike starting with the singing of the Mexican national anthem after which your “coyote guide, Pancho” pulls off his black ski mask while actors scare you out of what’s left of your wits!

“Run from border control agents; dodge actors shooting blanks and make your way through barbed-wire fences.” If you “survive” you are blindfolded, led across a rickety bridge and set free to run across the border to “freedom!” Sign up now, amigos!

http://travel.nytimes.com/2007/02/04/travel/04HeadsUp.html

get a job

More professions of famous people…

George Washington started as a farmer and later became a successful whiskey distiller.

Herbert Hoover (US president 1928-1932) was an engineer.

China’s leader, Mao Tse Tung was a library assistant.

Buffalo Bill Cody (performer) and Robert Mitchum (tough guy actor) both rode horses -- Bill for the Pony Express, and Bob for a circus.

“Joltin’” Joe Dimaggio (baseball’s hitting streak wonder from the Yankees) worked in a box factory.

Robert Redford (actor, director, activist, & creator of the Sundance Film Festival) did a stint as a Parisian sidewalk artist.

Actor Raymond Burr (movie and TV actor), earlier in his life, was a shepherd.

Roseanne Barr (aka Roseanne Arnold, aka Roseanne) was a chef.

Lana Turner (famous film beauty from the 1940’s and ‘50’s) was an usherette.

Lee Marvin (famous tough guy actor from the 50’s-80’s) cleaned septic tanks for a living before Hollywood called.

Sir Ben Kingsley (Oscar winner in 1982 for playing Ghandi) tested penicillin.

And Princess Grace Kelly (actress and Princess of Monaco, died in a tragic car accident) was a model for insecticides.

now we're talkin MY language...I resemble these remarks...

In this photo released by the Florida Marlins, Marlins fan and Manatee hopeful, Brian Seik, shows off his dance moves during an audition for the Manatees, an all-male, plus-size cheerleading squad, on Sunday, Feb. 24, 2008 in Miami. Seik and 14 others made the cut and will perform at Marlins home baseball games on Friday and Saturday nights throughout the season.

(AP Photo/Florida Marlins, Robert Vignon)

Baseball team looking for a few fat men

Sun Feb 24, 5:12 AM ET

MIAMI (AP) - The Florida Marlins are looking for some footloose fat men. The National League team is creating an all-male, plus-size cheerleading squad to be dubbed the Manatees. Tryouts were scheduled for Sunday.

The team hopes to recruit seven to 10 tubby men to dance, cheer and jiggle during Friday and Saturday home games this season.

Real manatees, 1,200-pound mammals sometimes referred to as "sea cows," are not considered the most agile of creatures and often get caught in boat propellers.

The Marlins want their Manatees to have the same dimensions, but to be decidedly more agile. Men will be judged on how well they dance a choreographed routine.

The Marlins already have a cheerleading squad, the considerably more svelte Mermaids.

Men selected for the Manatees won't be paid. They'll get tickets to games they perform at, and the honor of dancing in front of crowds that have been smallest in major league baseball for the last two seasons.

The Marlins aren't the only pro sports team capitalizing on Americans' expanding waistlines. The Chicago Bulls basketball team have the Matadors, a big-man dance troupe that's entertained fans at home games since 2003.

And although cheerleaders might be an unfamiliar site in baseball, big men aren't, as fans have long cheered on the likes of Babe Ruth and Kirby Puckett.

why doesnt this Monopoly game crap ever happen to ME???? ;-) frankly this dude's in TROUBLE..

Bank error in your favor

Reporting by Edith Honan, Editing by Sandra Maler

Thu Feb 21, 10:33 AM ET

NEW YORK (Reuters) - A New York man who discovered that millions of dollars had mysteriously appeared in his bank account, and withdrew more than $2 million, has been arrested on charges of grand larceny, prosecutors said on Wednesday.

Benjamin Lovell, 48, pleaded innocent on Tuesday to charges that he withdrew money from a Commerce Bank account that had been opened by someone with the same name, prosecutors said.

The account belonged to Woodlawn Trustees Inc, a Delaware property management company, and was listed under the name of its finance director, who is also named Benjamin Lovell, court papers said.

Lovell had just $800 in his own Commerce Bank account when he went to make a deposit, but a teller, mistaking the Woodlawn account for Lovell's personal account, told him that his account contained more than $5 million, prosecutors said.

Lovell made multiple withdrawals even though he knew that the money was not his, prosecutors said. He used the money to buy jewelry for his girlfriend and to make several investments, they said.

Commerce Bank and Woodlawn Trustees did not immediately respond to a request for comment. The Legal Aid attorney representing Lovell could not be reached for comment either.

Lovell is being held on $3 million bail. He faces up to 25 years behind bars if convicted, prosecutors said.

scary that we have to make such arrangements in the first place...

Graphic on the Svalbard Global Seed Vault in Norway, designed to preserve crop diversity in case of large-scale catastrophe, in advance of its inauguration on February 26.(AFP graphic)

Biodiversity 'doomsday vault' comes to life in Arctic

By Pierre-Henry Deshayes

Sun Feb 24, 2008 10:25am PST

LONGYEARBYEN, Norway (AFP) - Aimed at providing mankind with a Noah's Ark of food in the event of a global catastrophe, an Arctic "doomsday vault" filled with samples of the world's most important seeds will be inaugurated here Tuesday.

European Commission President Jose Manuel Barroso and Nobel Peace Prize winning environmentalist Wangari Matai will be among the personalities present at the inauguration of the vault, which has been carved into the permafrost of a remote Arctic mountain, just some 1,000 kilometres (620 miles) from the North Pole.

The vault, made up of three spacious cold chambers each measuring 27 x 10 metres (89 x 33 feet), create a long trident-shaped tunnel bored into the sandstone and limestone.

It has the capacity to hold up to 4.5 million batches of seeds from all known varieties of the planet's main food crops, making it possible to re-establish plants if they disappear from their natural environment or are obliterated by major disasters.

"The facility is built to hold twice as many varieties of agricultural crops as we think exist," explained Cary Fowler, executive director of the Global Crop Diversity Trust and project mastermind.

"It will not be filled up in my lifetime, nor in my grandchildren's lifetime," he predicted in a phone interview with AFP.

Norway has assumed the six million euro (8.9 million dollar) charge for building the vault in its Arctic archipelago of Svalbard, where ironically no crops grow.

Secured behind an airlock door, the three airtight chambers have the capacity to house duplicates of samples from all the world's more than 1,400 existing seed banks.

Many of the more vulnerable seed banks have begun contributing to the "doomsday vault" collection, but some of the world's biodiversity has already disappeared, with gene vaults in both Iraq and Afghanistan destroyed by war and a seed bank in the Philippines annihilated by a typhoon.

By the time of the inauguration on Tuesday, the Svalbard Global Seed Vault should hold some 250,000 samples, which will remain the property of their countries of origin.

Pakistan and Kenya, both undergoing periods of serious unrest, have sent seed collections, while samples sent from Colombia have been closely scrutinised by police to avoid the project becoming a vehicle for drug trafficking.

"I've been working in this field for 30 years and I thought I knew at least all the crops," Fowler said.

After receiving a list of all the different seeds in the vault, however, "I must admit there are a number of crops I've never heard of before," he said.

That's a spectacular amount of diversity for Svalbard, where no trees can grow due to the permafrost and where the mercury plummets to an average 14 degrees Celsius below zero (6.8 degrees Fahrenheit) in winter.

The Norwegian archipelago, which is home to some 2,300 people, was selected not despite but because of its inhospitable climate, as well as its remote location far from civil strife.

The seeds of wheat, maize, oats and other crops will be stored at a constant temperature of minus 18 degrees Celsius, and even if the freezer system fails the permafrost will ensure that temperatures never rise above 3.5 degrees Celsius below freezing.

"Svalbard really met all the criteria," Fowler said.

Protected by high walls of fortified concrete, an armoured door, a sensor alarm and the native polar bears that roam the region, the "doomsday vault" has been built 130 metres (425 feet) above current sea level -- high enough that it would not flood if the Greenland and Antarctic ice sheets melt entirely due to global warming.

The concrete cocoon has also been built to withstand nuclear missile attacks or a plunging plane, something that could come in handy in light of the 6.4-scale tremor -- the biggest earthquake in Norway's history -- registered near the archipelago on Thursday.

Copyright © 2007 Agence France Presse. All rights reserved. The information contained in the AFP News report may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed without the prior written authority of Agence France Presse.

election night special

Election Night Special

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"Election Night Special" is a Monty Python sketch parodying the coverage of United Kingdom general elections, specifically the 1970 general election on the BBC by including hectic (and downright silly) actions by the media and a range of ridiculous candidates.

Throughout the sketch, the Linkman (John Cleese) excitedly reports the results of the elections in Leicester, Luton, Harpenden, and other municipalities, such as Engelbert Humperdinck taking Barrow. Usually the two major parties are the Sensible Party and the Silly Party, though occasional third-party candidates (Slightly Silly, Very Silly) make their appearance. The Blackadder episode Dish and Dishonesty features an election scene which clearly owes a debt to this sketch.

This sketch was featured in Episode 19 of the Monty Python's Flying Circus TV series, which aired November 3, 1970. A somewhat different version of the sketch (leading into The Lumberjack Song) was also featured on the Monty Python Live at the Theatre Royal Drury Lane album.

The candidates and their vote totals

Leicester:

Arthur J. Smith (SENSIBLE) - 30,612

Jethro Q. Walrustitty (SILLY) - 32,108

Luton:

Alan Jones (SENSIBLE) - 9,112

Tarquin Fin-tim-lin-bin-whin-bim-lim-bus-stop-F'tang-F'tang-Olé-Biscuitbarrel (SILLY) - 12,441

Kevin Phillips-Bong (SLIGHTLY SILLY) - 0 (nought)

Harpenden:

Mr Elsie ZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzOOP (SILLY) - 26,317

James Walker (SENSIBLE) - 26,318

Malcolm Peter Brian Telescope Adrian Umbrella Stand Jasper Wednesday (pops mouth twice) Stoatgobbler John Raw Vegetable (sound effect of horse whinnying) Arthur Norman Michael (blows squeaker) Featherstone Smith (blows whistle) Northgot Edwards Harris (fires pistol, then 'whoop') Mason (chuff-chuff-chuff) Frampton Jones Fruitbat Gilbert (sings) 'We'll keep a welcome in the' (three shots, stops singing) Williams If I Could Walk That Way Jenkin (squeaker) Tiger-drawers Pratt Thompson (sings) 'Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head' Darcy Carter (horn) Pussycat 'Don't Sleep In The Subway' Barton Mainwaring (hoot, 'whoop') Smith (VERY SILLY) - 2

Other results:

Engelbert Humperdinck gains Barrow in Furness from Ann Haydon-Jones and her husband Pip.

Mary Whitehouse taking Umbrage, which the presenter claims will cause a bit of trouble.

Not a result as such, but Arthur Negus holds Bristols. (Bristol is a city, bristols is slang for breasts.)

Wales isn't swinging at all; no surprises there according to the presenter.

Monty Python holds the Credits, which then start.

Notes

^ Among other changes: The live version at Drury Lane gave a shorter name to the Very Silly candidate in Harpenden and changed some of the first syllables of Tarquin's surname, making it Fin-tim-lim-bim-(brief pause)lim-bim-bim-bim-bim. Sensible Candidate James Walker became Jeannette Walker, and Silly Candidate Jethro Q. Walrustitty was referred to as Jethro Q. Bunn Whackett Buzzard Stubble and Boot Walrustitty ("Bun, Whacket, Buzzard, Stubble and Boot" was an early name considered for what became "Monty Python."). Elsie Zzzzzzzzzzzz was also referred to as Mrs rather than Mr.

The changed name for the aforementioned Very Silly candidate was "Malcolm Peter Brian Telescope Adrian Blackpool Rock Stoatgobbler John Raw Vegetable Brrroooo Norman Michael (rings bell) (blows whistle) Edward (sounds car horn) (does train impersonation) (sounds buzzer) Thomas Moo... (sings) "We'll keep a welcome in the..." (fires gun) William (sound of whoopee whistle) "Raindrops keep falling on my" (weird noise) "Don't sleep in the subway" (cuckoo cuckoo) Naaoooo... Smith."

Tarquin Fin-tim-lin-bin-whin-bim-lim-bus-stop-F'tang-F'tang-Olé-Biscuitbarrel later made another appearance in the third season's Spot the Looney sketch.

As predicted within the sketch, the Very Silly candidate split the Silly vote = his two votes would have been enough for Elsie ZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzOOP to hold Harpenden.

See also

Official Monster Raving Loony Party

Tarquin Fin-tim-lin-bin-whin-bim-lim-bus-stop-F'tang-F'tang-Olé-Biscuitbarrel

and now for something completely different....the actual sketch lifted from orangecow.com...

Election Night Special

From 'Monty Python Live at the Theatre Royal Drury Lane'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

About the Sketch:

This sketch not only was performed on their album 'Monty Python live at the Theatre Royal Drury Lane', it also appeared in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 19. It was also featured on their other album - ''Monty Python's The Final Ripoff'. Please note that the actors that played the roles in the Album versions differs from the TV Series version. To avoid confusion instead of showing the characters names, I have shown the actors names.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The sketch:

(Racy music)

Cleese: (talking very fast, as do all the commentators): Hello, good evening and welcome to Election Night Special. There's tremendous excitement here at the moment and we should be getting the first results through any moment now. We're not sure where it will be from, it might be Leicester or from West Byfleet, the polling's been quite heavy in both areas. Ah, I'm just getting... I'm just getting... a buzzing noise in my left ear. Urgh, argh! (removes insect and stamps on it). And now let's go straight over to Leicester.

Palin: And it's a straight fight here at Leicester and we're expecting the result any moment now. There with the Returning Officer is Arthur Smith the sensible candidate and next to him is Jethro Q. Walrustitty the silly candidate with his agent and his silly wife.

Idle: (clears throat) Here is the result for Leicester. Arthur J. Smith...

Cleese: Sensible Party

Idle: ...30,612. (applause) Jethro Q. Bunn Whackett Buzzard Stubble and Boot Walrustitty...

Cleese: Silly Party

Idle: ...33,108. (applause)

Cleese: Well there we have the first result of the election and the Silly party has held Leicester. Norman.

Palin: Well pretty much as I predicted, except that the Silly party won. Er, I think this is largely due to the number of votes cast. Gerald.

Chapman: Well there's a big swing here to the Silly Party, but how big a swing I'm not going to tell you.

Palin: I think one should point out that in this constituency since the last election a lot of very silly people have moved into new housing estates with the result that a lot of sensible voters have moved further down the road the other side of number er, 29.

Cleese: Well I can't add anything to that. Colin?

Idle: Can I just say that this is the first time I've been on television?

Cleese: No I'm sorry, there isn't time, we're just going straight over to Luton.

Chapman: Well here at Luton it's a three-cornered contest between, from left to right, Alan Jones (Sensible Party), Tarquin Fin-tim-lim-bim-lim-bin- bim-bin-bim bus stop F'tang F'tang Olé Biscuitbarrel (Silly Party), and Kevin Phillips Bong, who is running on the Slightly Silly ticket. And here's the result.

Woman: Alan Jones...

Cleese: Sensible

Woman: ...9,112. Kevin Phillips Bong...

Cleese: Slightly Silly

Woman: Nought. Tarquin Fin-tim-lin-bin-whin-bim-lim bus stop F'tang F'tang Olé Biscuitbarrel...

Cleese: Silly

Woman: 12,441. (applause)

Cleese: Well there you have it, the first result of the election as the Silly Party take Luton. Norman.

Palin: Well this is a very significant result. Luton, normally a very sensible constituency with a high proportion of people who aren't a bit silly, has gone completely ga-ga.

Cleese: And we've just heard that James Gilbert has with him the winning Silly candidate at Luton.

Idle: Tarquin, are you pleased with this result?

Palin: Ho yus, me old beauty, I should say so. (Silly noises including a goat bleating).

Cleese: And do we have the swing at Luton?

Chapman: Er... no.

Cleese: (pause) Right, well I can't add anything to that. Colin?

Idle: Can I just say that this is the second time I've been on television?

Cleese: No, I'm sorry there isn't time, we're just about to get another result.

Palin: And this one is from Harpenden Southeast. A very interesting constituency this: in addition to the official Silly candidate there is an unofficial Very Silly candidate, in the slab of concrete, and he could well split the silly vote here at Harpenden Southeast.

Jones: Mrs Elsie Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

Cleese: Silly

Jones: 26,317 (applause). Jeanette Walker...

Cleese: Sensible Jones: 26,318...

Cleese: Very close!

Jones: Malcolm Peter Brian Telescope Adrian Blackpool Rock Stoatgobbler John Raw Vegetable Brrroooo Norman Michael (rings bell) (blows whistle) Edward (sounds car horn) (does train impersonation) (sounds buzzer) Thomas Moo... (sings) "We'll keep a welcome in the..." (fires gun) William (makes silly noise) "Raindrops keep falling on my" (weird noise) "Don't sleep in the subway" (cuckoo cuckoo) Naaoooo... Smith.

Cleese: Very Silly

Jones: ...two.

Cleese: Well there you have it, a Sensible gain at Harpenden with the Silly vote being split.

Palin: And we've just heard from Luton that Tony Stratton-Smith has with him there the unsuccessful Slightly Silly candidate, Kevin Phillips Bong.

Idle: Kevin Phillips Bong. You polled no votes at all. Not a sausage. Bugger all. Are you at all disappointed with this performance?

Neil Innes: Not at all. As I always say:

Climb every mountain

Ford every stream,

Follow every by-way,

Till you find your dream.

(Sings) A dream that will last

All the love you can give

Every day of your life

For as long as you live.

All together now!

Climb every mountain

Ford every stream...

Cleese: A very brave Kevin Phillips Bong there. Norman.

Palin: And I've just heard from Luton that my aunt is ill. Possibly gastro-enteritis, possibly just catarrh. Gerald.

Cleese: Right. Er, Colin?

Idle: Can I just say that I'll never appear on television again?

Cleese: No I'm sorry, there isn't time, we have to pick up a few results you may have missed. A little pink pussy-cat has taken Barrow-in-Furness -- that's a gain from the Liberals there. Rastus Odinga Odinga has taken Wolverhampton Southwest, that's Enoch Powell's old constituency -- an important gain there for Darkie Power. Arthur Negus has held Bristols -- that's not a result, that's just a piece of gossip. Sir Alec Douglas Home has taken Oldham for the Stone Dead party. A small piece of putty about that big, a cheese mechanic from Dunbar and two frogs -- one called Kipper the other not -- have all gone "Ni ni ni ni ni ni!" in Blackpool Central. And so it's beginning to look like a Silly landslide, and with the prospect of five more years' Silly government facing us we... Oh I don't want to do this any more, I'm bored!

Palin: He's right you know, it is a bloody waste of time.

Chapman: Absolute waste of time.

Palin: I wanted to be a gynaecologist...

The Album versions continue with Michael Palin moving into the The lumberjack Song

wasnt this a SNL skit some years back concerning christmas carols????

Election officials in northeast India. When politician Adolf Lu Hitler-Marak stands for election in an Indian hill state next month, even he may have a tough time standing out in a field of the most unusually named candidates.(AFP/File)

Speaking of politics, how would you handicap this race?? I think the closest analgam to this would be the British Monster Raving Loony Party formerly headed by the infamous now deceased Screaming Lord Sutch and now headed by a one Alan “Howling Laud” Hope (no relation to Bob, I would imagine), which both major US policital parties have been compared to/called, etc., and the infamous Monty Python election night skit, which introduced both the British Silly Party which had candidates such as Tarquin Fin-tim-lin-bin-whin-bim-lim-bus-stop-F'tang-F'tang-Olé-Biscuitbarrel) and the Not-Quite-As-Silly Party (with candidates such as Elsie ZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzOOP), in the past…

Hitler, Frankenstein fight it out in Indian state

by Raymond Kharmujai

Sun Feb 24, 2:18 AM ET

SHILLONG, India (AFP) - When politician Adolf Lu Hitler-Marak stands for election in an Indian hill state next month, even he may have a tough time standing out in a field of the most unusually named candidates.

Politician and school teacher Frankenstein Momin is also hoping not to scare away the voters in Meghalaya, especially when faced with competition from more benign-sounding candidates such as Hilarious Pochen and Billykid Sangma.

The state in India's remote northeast goes to the polls on March 3, with more than 331 candidates jostling for around 60 seats in the assembly in the state capital Shillong.

Looking for re-election in his seat is Zenith Sangma, and also trying to outshine their rivals are Celestine Lyngdoh, Starfing Jove Langpen Pdahkasiej, Edstar Lyngdoh Nongbri and Moonlight Pariat.

Romeo Phira Rani and Darling Wavel Lamare are also busy trying to seduce the electorate, while Bison Paslen is locking horns with his rivals in Sutgna Shangpung constituency.

Forward Lyngdoh Mawlong is leading the charge in his constituency, while Admiral K Sangma is also setting sail for battle -- as are H. Britainwar Dan and Bombersingh.

Meghalaya is one of three northeastern Indian states voting over the next fortnight.

With a population of 2.3 million, the state is a predominantly Christian area with Khasi as the main language.

English is spoken, but not very fluently -- so people often name their children after words and famous people they have little familiarity with or understanding about.

"Often they don't know the background of the names. They get attracted to exquisite names," said the conservatively named David Reid Syiemlieh, a professor of history at the North Eastern Hill University in Shillong.

Hitler-Marak -- a stocky, balding and moustached figure -- said his parents probably had no idea the name was a big no-no.

"Maybe my parents liked the name. But I am not a dictator," he once told AFP. "My parents did not know who Hitler was."

In any case, the voters do not seem to mind -- Hitler-Marak has been elected to public office before and has served as a state forestry minister, while Frankenstein Momin is a former state education minister.

"It doesn't matter to us," said local journalist Geoffrey Kharkongor.

"Parents may christen their children funny names, but as long as the candidates perform their duties, we have no problem."

And there is a serious side to all this because the elections in Meghalaya and the other two northeastern states will be closely watched as an indicator of national trends.

India's federal ruling Congress party currently leads the coalition government in Meghalaya -- which means the "home of the clouds."

The results are expected there on March 7.