AARRRR ye scallywags, have a merry pirate christmas

You though Free translator and BabelFish were fun - but this translator is MUCH more fun....
http://www.talklikeapirate.com/translator.html
Or - Yet another pirate translator!!
http://www.syddware.com/cgi-bin/pirate.pl

getting' down w/da earth - middle earth dat is...

http://www.lordsoftherhymes.com/
Parental Warning - Explicit Lyrics…don’t laugh til you pee your pants, you may want to make sure you are not well hydrated…(grin!)

We're in outer space on this one

Maureen & my's son (have to refer to him in that manner, because we both created him, however, my job was over (at least in the creation of him part) shortly whilst she had 9 months of labor!) received a wonderful package in the mail on Friday! He received a signed picture of former Senator and retired two-time Astronaut Mr. John Glenn!!! He signed a picture for Charlie of him with his shuttle space suit on - and still looks good at his advanced age. We requested it of Mr. Glenn and his staff back in the summer and finally received it. We thank you Mr. Glenn! Charlie's going to treasure this forever.

Passed out Xmas Cards @ work

Passed out Christmas Cards at work - came in on my off day which was Christmas eve and passed out cards to my co-workers and sent off my christmas cards to family and friends on Christmas eve. This was not good for the mailed ones, but, at least they went out. Some people got them before christmas. The mailed ones didnt. But, they will be getting their cards soon enough. Hey, its the thought that counts! I used to do cards every year and on time too, but lately, havent had the gumption to do much of anything. For the third year in a row now, we havent even put up a Christmas tree at home. Mom put one up at her place in Fenton, so we called that our tree, because it used to be our tree, we gave it to her after we purchased a bigger one. Ironically, that bigger tree has never left the box. It was the tree that Charlie first saw as his first tree, it has been ours since the late 90's, but it wasn't here. I just dont like Christmas anymore, it seems. People put too much into it and it takes away the value to me. But I try. I try to be social, try to be positive, etc., give gifts sometimes, etc. But, when you're not making much money and things are tight, it can lead to making what has become such a commercial holiday rather depressing because you cant afford this or you cant make this person happy, or whatever. What it is is you have to get away from that and please yourself by giving what you can and giving of yourself - be a friend, be a neighbor, be something positive and affect the word and your work in a positive manner, and maybe some of that will come back on you.

old as dirt quiz

My Quiz, my answers, highlight it and take out all the bold and extra text and VOILA! Instant cute e-mail to send around!!!
Older Than Dirt Quiz:
Count all the ones that you remember not the ones youwere told about
Ratings at the bottom.
1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (OLive-6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody - remember born in big city urban heck (StL) brought up in a small town heck (Joplin) - hey a Joplin tv station JUST TOOK OFF THE ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW AFTER RUNNING IT CONTINUOUSLY WITH RERUNS SINCE THE 1960'S FOR CHRISSAKES!!! Of COURSE I saw Howdy Doody - in reruns, not live...
14. 45 RPM records - I still have some - everyone knows its Wendy…and the song Fox on the Run - won them by calling into a radio station contest back in the 70's! I still have 8-Tracks forchrissakes (John Lennon's Double Fantasy - his last album before he was killed...)
15. S&H Green Stamps - I actually think we still have a book of them or the yellow stamps, we used to have a&p stores here in StL and they gave our green stamps. And Milgram's stores out of KC (now Price Choppers) in Joplin and Springfield that gave out the yellow stamps and Safeway (when they were still here in both StL, KC, Columbia, Joplin and Springfield) gave out the green stamps too. I have a set of dishes my mom got w/stamps that I still have. There's still a Milgram's left in KC MILGRAM'S FOOD STORE, 6327 BROOKSIDE PLZ, KANSAS CITY, MO (816) 523-7700.
16 Hi-fi's - still own one…though the turntable is broken...
17. Metal ice trays with lever - my mom still has one too...
18. Mimeograph paper - I started going to school in the 70's when they still had these, I remember people used to like to go pick up the mimeographed tests and such just to get a contact high from the ink…a freshly mimeographed test always smelled funky. Didn’t know why until I worked in a photolab when I first moved back up to StL in the late 80's and started developing C-41 process film...
19 Blue flashbulb20. Packards - almost answered yes since we owned many AMC vehicles, like Gremlins, Pacers, Ambassadors, etc… They got eaten by Chrysler.
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns - bought Charlie one during the Lewis and Clark reconstruction event in St Chuckie about a year or so back...
23. Drive-ins - for those who know, there is still one drive in left in St Louis. The Skyview drive in on Belt in Belleville, IL. I LOVE drive in theatres!!!!
24. Studebakers - once again almost answered yes since what was left of Studebaker save for one plant in Youngstown Ohio became part of AMC, then Chrysler...
25. Wash tub wringers - grandmother had one...

If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!

You should get points off if you were brought up in the MidWest - especially in the RURAL MidWest…(grin!) Alas, such is life! I answered 16 - therefore I am older than dirt…but….

I might be older than dirt but those memories are the best part of my life.Don't forget to pass this along!!Especially to all your really OLD friends....

"Senility Prayer".
..God grant me...The senility to forget the people I never liked
The good fortune to run into the ones that I do
And the eyesight to tell the difference."
Have a great week!!!!!!

more evidence customer service is dead

*The letter, shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 96-year-old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly-less-prosperous New Year.Your Humble Client(Remember: This was written by a 96-year-old woman)

even more proof that Customer Service is dead

Oh, those Credit Card bank collection people…
(I know this too well, unfortunately…)
A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now in June is somewhere around $90.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank:
Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply and will continue until she closes it herself."
Family Member: "Maybe you should turn it over to collections."
Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
Citibank: "Excuse me?"
Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you, the part about her being dead?" Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges will accrue until she submits the form to terminate the account."
Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate that was probated last month and closed?"
Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew but I am." (Lawyer info given)
Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given)
After they get the fax:
Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help." Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."
Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"
Citibank: "That might help."
Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."
Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"
Citibank: "Sir, here in India, we cremate them"
Family Member: "Good, then may I suggest that you cremate the bill so it will reach her."

some christmas eve thoughts

For all those who feel "a little different" this Christmas, cause of what all is going on lately w/Faux News and their "Attack on Christmas" theme…
there's an old punk song from back in the day (1983) by the band Suicidal Tendencies called Institutionalized that goes a little like this..
(spoken)
Sometimes I try to do things and it just doesn't work out the way I wanted to. I get real frustrated and I try hard to do it and I take my time and it doesn't work out the way I wanted to. It's like I concentrate real hard and it doesn't work out Everything I do and everything I try never turns out It's like I need time to figure these things out But there's always someone there going
Hey Mike (lead singers name, insert your name here, etc.): You know we've been noticing you've been having a lot of problems lately.You know, maybe you should get away and maybe you should talk about it, maybe you'll feel a lot better
And I go: No it's okay, you know I'll figure it out, just leave me alone I'll figure it out. You know I'll just work by myself.
And they go: Well you know if you want to talk about it I'll be here you know and you'll probably feel a lot better if you talk about it.
And I go: No I don't want to I'm okay, I'll figure it out myself and they just keep bugging me and they just keep bugging me and it builds up inside and it builds up inside.
(singing - well, screamed, more like it actually. Hey, this IS a punk rock/hardcore song!) So you're gonna be institutionalized You'll come out brainwashed with bloodshot eyes You won't have any say They'll brainwash you until you see their way.
I'm not crazy - institutionalized You're the one who's crazy - institutionalized You're driving me crazy - institutionalized
They stuck me in an institution Said it was the only solution to give me the needed professional help to protect me from the enemy, myself
(spoken) I was in my room and I was just like staring at the wall thinking about everything but then again I was thinking about nothing And then my mom came in and I didn't even know she was there she called my name and I didn't even hear it, and then she started screaming MIKE! MIKE! And I go: What, what's the matter And she goes: What's the matter with you? I go: There's nothing-wrong mom. And she goes: Don't tell me that, you're on drugs! And I go: No mom I'm not on drugs I'm okay, I was just thinking you know, why don't you get me a pepsi. And she goes: NO you're on drugs! I go: Mom I'm okay, I'm just thinking. She goes: No you're not thinking, you're on drugs! Normal people don't act that way! I go: Mom just give me a Pepsi please All I want is a Pepsi, and she wouldn't give it to me All I wanted was a Pepsi, just one Pepsi, and she wouldn't give it to me. Just a Pepsi.
(singing) They give you a white shirt with long sleeves Tied around you're back, you're treated like thieves Drug you up because they're lazy It's too much work to help a crazy
I'm not crazy - institutionalized You're the one who's crazy - institutionalized You're driving me crazy - institutionalized
They stuck me in an institution Said it was the only solution To give me the needed professional help To protect me from the enemy, myself
(spoken) I was sitting in my room and my mom and my dad came in and they pulled up a chair and they sat down, they go: Mike, we need to talk to you And I go: Okay what's the matter They go: Me and your mom have been noticing lately that you've been having a lot of problems, you've been going off for no reason and we're afraid you're gonna hurt somebody, we're afraid you're gonna hurt yourself. So we decided that it would be in your interest if we put you somewhere where you could get the help that you need. And I go: Wait, what do you mean, what are you talking about, we decided!? My best interest?! How can you know what's my best interest is? How can you say what my best interest is? What are you trying to say, I'm crazy? When I went to your schools??? I went to your churches??? I went to your institutional learning facilities?!? So how can you say I'm crazy!
(singing) They say they're gonna fix my brain Alleviate my suffering and my pain But by the time they fix my head Mentally I'll be dead
I'm not crazy - institutionalized You're the one who's crazy - institutionalized You're driving me crazy - institutionalized
They stuck me in an institution Said it was the only solution To give me the needed professional help To protect me from the enemy, myself
(spoken) What does it matter i'll probably get hit by a car anyway

and SCENE....
People should just relax, say Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, whatever they want, and enjoy the freedom to choose how you wish to celebrate instead of trying to force every round peg into square holes.
So -- Happy Holidays everyone, everywhere (since I am referring to Christmas and New years BOTH I can utilize that nomenclature - SO THERE!)