Steven Wright Jokes...

Probably posted these before, but I’m a postin’ ‘em again!!!

STEVEN WRIGHT JOKES

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coathanger.

I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.

"There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot."

"I lost a button hole today."

"I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child."

"I met her at Macy's. She was shopping... I was putting Slinky's on the escalator."

"When I was a child, we had a quick-sand box in the backyard. I was an only child...eventually....."

"Some people think my friend George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears. I think George is weird, because he has false teeth with braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge, you can't hear him talk."

"Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good, he could go under a rug..."

"All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store, with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in

the store..."

"Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the driving every half mile. We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip. I don't remember what it was..."

"Women. can't live with 'em. Can't shoot 'em"

"He was a multi-millionaire. Wanna know how he made all of his money? He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in..."

"I bought some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again..."

"I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology, the study of milkmen..."

"One day, when I came home from work, I accidently put my car key in the door of my apartment building. I turned it, and the whole building started up. So I drove it around. A policeman stopped me for going to fast. He said, "Where do you live?" I said,

"Right here" Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway..."

"If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses..."

"I saw a close friend of mine the other day. He said "Stephen, why haven't you called me." I said, "I can't call everyone I want, my new phone has no 'five' on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know, my calendar has no seven's..."

"Ever have deja vu and amnesia at the same time?"

"For Christmas someone gave me a humidifier and a dehumidifier, so I put them in the same room and let them battle it out..."

"You can't have everything -- where would you put it?"

"I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add."

"I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance..."

"Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second..."

"I used to work at a factory where they made fire hydrants; but you couldn't park anywhere near the place..."

"I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me -- and I didn't hear it..."

"I like to stand in the shower with the drain plug in and pretend I'm in a sinking submarine..."

"They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge..."

"I spilled spot remover on my dog, now he's gone..."

"I was up 'till 3 AM last night, playing poker with a deck of Tarot cards. I got a full house, and four people died..."

"They say it's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it..."

"What's the soup du jour? I don't know, but they have it everyday..."

"What's the soup du jour? It's a leap year, so all the soups are off by one. I don't know what today's is, but tomorrow is Yankee Bean..."

"I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering..."

"I went to this restaurant last night that was set-up like a big buffet in the shape of a ouiji board. You'd think about what kind of food you want and the table would move across the floor to it..."

"I got caught speeding. The officer told me that the speed limit was 55 miles per hour. I told him I wasn't planning to stay out that long..."

"I once parked in a tow away zone, when I returned the entire area was gone...then I bought a helicopter. I didn't have anywhere to park it, so I tied a rope to it and let it run...

"I have a map of the united states. It's original size -- it says one mile equals one mile..."

"I was born by Caesarian section. No problems, but whenever I leave the house I go out the window..."

"why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?"

"I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time..."

"I used to have a dog. I named him Stay. When he was little, I used to confuse him. "Come here, Stay. Come here, Stay." Now he just ignores me and keeps typing..."

"I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes..."

"Oh man how 'bout THe Stones. Year after year they are the best around -- Fred and Barney -- I love 'em..."

"Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night..."

"I was walking down the street and all of a sudden the prescription for my eye-glasses ran out..."

"I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road; I don't know how I got there..."

"I installed a skylight in my apartment -- The people who live above me are furious..."

"I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window..."

"I replaced the headlights in my car with stobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving..."

"I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour -- the harmonica sounds AMAZING..."

"Once I put my car key in my apartment door by mistake. When I turned it, the whole building started up. I drove it around the block, and a policeman pulled me over and asked "Where do you live?" I said "Right here..."

"I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"

"My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 mph..."

"Once I took a pair of contact lenses and painted little cats on them. I put them on my dog and he went crazy. Then I took one out and he ran in circles...

"Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!"

"My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said "the whole time..."

"I have a friend who owns a house that runs on static electricity. To use the

toaster, you have to take a sweater off really fast..."

"My friend Dennis' parents are midgets. But he's not a midget. He's a midget dwarf. He's six inches tall. You might know him. He's the one who poses for trophies..."

"One time the power went out in my house, I had no lights. Fortunately my camera had a flash. I went to make a peanut butter sandwich and took 60 pictures of my kitchen. My neighbors called the police. They thought it was lightninging in my house..."

"What's another word for thesaurus?"

"If you were driving at the speed of light and put your headlights on, would they do anything?"

"I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep". I said "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said, "I thought I told you to go to sleep..."

"One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign." I said "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read..."

"Put instant coffee in the microwave this morning and almost went back in time..."

"Power outage at a department store yesterday, Twenty people were trapped on the escalators..."