Boot To The Head

"Time is an illusion; lunchtime doubly so."
- Ford Prefect,
character in Douglas Adams' book
Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

And now for something completely different - the entire short sketch of the kung-fu inspired offtake "Ti Kwan Leep" (aka Boot to the Head) by the Canadian comedy troupe affectionately known as The Frantics, members of whom are responsible for such Canadian comedy as Kids in the Hall (inspiration-since many of the Kids did their improv time in Edmonton, AB which was the home province of the Frantics…) and The Red Green Show (Peter Green, co-creator of the show with Steve Smith (who appears as Red Green)), is a former Frantic, and credited with co-writing this particular sketch, actually…) Well, enough - here's the sketch, laugh if you want….Sound effects are people mocking various kung fu like movements, etc….

Teacher: Approach, students. Close the circle at the feet of the master. You have come to me asking that I be your guide along the path of Ti Kwan Leep. But, be warned: To learn its ways, you must learn the ways of your own soul. Let us meditate upon this wisdom now. So: Aaaaaaooooommm......
Student1 (Ed Gruberman): Uh, sir! Sir! (oo! oo!) Sir!
Teacher: Who disturbs our meditation, as a pebble disturbs the stillness of the pond?
EG: Me! Ed Gruberman?
Teacher: E-Ed Gruberman?
EG: Yeah, uh, no disrespect or nothin', but, like, uh, how long is this gonna take?
Teacher: Ti Kwan Leep is not a path to a door, but a road leading forever towards the horizon.
EG: So like, what, an hour or so?
Teacher: No, no, we have not even begun upon the path. Ed Gruberman, you must learn patience.
EG: Yeah yeah yeah, patience. How long will that take?
Teacher: Time has no meaning. To a true student, a year is as a day.
EG: A YEAR??? I wanna beat people up right now! I got the pajamas! Hah woo yah ooomm!
Teacher: "Beat people up"...?
EG: Yeah! Just show me all those nifty moves so I can start trashing bozos! That's all I came here for! YO ASTA STA STA!!! Pretty good, ey?
Teacher: The only use of Ti Kwan Leep is self-defense. Do you know who said that? Ki Lo Ni, the great teacher.
EG: Yeah? Well the best defense is a good offense, you know who said that? Mel, the cook on "Alice".
Teacher: No, um...Ti Kwan Leep is the wine of purity, not the vinegar of hostility. Meditate upon this truth with us. Aaaaoooommm...
EG: Listen, shrimp! All this fag talk is really starting to piss me off. Now, are you gonna show me some fancy moves, or am I gonna start wapin' the walls with you?
Teacher: Ed Gruberman, you fail to grasp Ti Kwan Leep. Approach me that you might see.
EG: All right! Finally some action!
Teacher(lecturly, with confidence): Observe closely, class. Boot to the Head! (Plants foot squarely on Ed's cranium, knocking him to the floor…)
EG (drunkenly trying to get up): Owww! You booted me in the head!
Teacher: You are lucky, Ed Gruberman. Few novices experience so much of Ti Kwan Leep so soon.
EG (quietly, to himself): Ow, oh, my head!
Teacher: Now we continue. Aaaaaoooommmm...
EG: (realigning himself to the powers of gravity, and arising to a standing position, taunting.) Hey! Hey, I wasn't ready! Come and get me now shorty, huh? Come on, are ya chicken?
Teacher (with confidence): Boot to the head! (plants another one on old Ed, he goes down again…)
EG (again, drunkenly, again getting up, steadying himself, taunting): Oww! Okay, now I'm ready, okay, now, come on, try it now.
Teacher (with confidence): Boot to the head! (plants another one on Ed, he goes down big time this time)
EG: (moaning) Mind if I just lie down here for a minute?
Teacher (calm, assured): Now class, we shall return to our...
Student2: Master?
Teacher (lecturly): It is wrong to tip the vessel of knowledge, student.
Student2: Many apologies, master. But I feel Ed Gruberman is not wholly wrong.
Teacher: What do you mean?
Student2 (with eagerness): I want to boot some head, too.
Teacher: Have you learned nothing from the lesson of Ed Gruberman?
Student2: Yes, master. I have learned two things. First, that anger is a weapon only to one's opponent.
Teacher (sternly): Very good.
Student2: And secondly, get in the first shot. Boot to the head. (Plants a boot near the teacher's head, to absolutely no effect due to the fact he missed cause the teacher was too fast and moved out of the way of the strike)
Teacher (calm, assured): You missed.
Student2 (stammering after realising he had missed): Uh, yeah. Well...
Teacher (threateningly): You too shall be honored to learn a lesson...
Student2 (stammering): You don't have to, you know. I-I gotta be going...
Teacher (with confidence): Boot to the head! (Teacher delivers a stunning blow - Student 2 goes down in a heap)
Student2 : (agonizing pain) Oyyy oy oyyyy.... Oh....
Teacher (in a lecturly tone): Can anyone tell us what lesson has been learned here?
Student3 (meekly): Uh, yes, master. Not a single one of us could defeat you.
Teacher (with extreme confidence): You gain wisdom, child.
Student3 (feigning surprise): So we'll hafta gang up on ya! Get 'im guys!
(Several students gang up on teacher - Teacher throws many Boot to the heads and SH-ZOOMPs and brings the whole class down to its knees or worse. There are many people groaning in pain.)
Teacher (in a quiet lecturly meditative tone): And now class, let us rejoin the mind to the body and gaze into the heart of the candle in meditation.
Unison (some moaning in pain, others, well…): Aaaaaoooommm....
Teacher (with a sigh): Very good, class.

And SCENE!

Th' End…