giving birth..

A masked stranger pulls you out of your warm place and spanks you on the butt at midnight, there’s blood and lots of screaming and this thing comes out later that looks alien and mysterious that you’ve been sharing a room with for the past 9 months, depending on your view point you either:

a.) immediately contact a lawyer and sue the doctor for abuse (depending on the lawyer, you receive power of attorney by age 2…)

b.) think “Damn, what a party!” Get you a drink and partner and start gettin’ down to the beat of the heart monitor…

c.) think happy thoughts, then start crying once you see the afterbirth…

d.) (only if mom’s been juicing on steroids or is named Sarah Palin or both..) come out looking like Ahnund complete with all upper body goin’ on there, with bandoliers of ammo, 2 AK-47’s which just happened to be there, and a water pistol and start kickin’ ass and takin’ names, yet still get completely stammered on your behind by the baby in the next room, then leave for absolutely no good freakin’ reason....

e.) (only if mom was Chuck Norris) realize that you’ve entered the universe in a mysterious way since Mom’s a guy, but a guy who can do ANYTHING apparently and then just stare out in awe of it all, til the doctor tries to spank you and you roundhouse kick him through the wall and into the next room and the room beyond that…

f.) look around, say, “aw…screw this!” and fight like hell to get back in….

g.) say, “Well, that's done...”, force a smile, make a saluting gesture with your right hand, and say “I'm OUTTA HERE...”