Leftovers from Christmas

I know Christmas was last month this time, but -- these are cute and have been drifting around in the inbox, and well, thought I would share...
Kids Versions of Christmas Carols
Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly
We three kings of porridge and tar
On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me
Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire.
He's makin' a list, chicken and rice.
Noel, Noel, Barney's the king of Israel.
With the jelly toast proclaim
Olive, the other reindeer
Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say
Sleep in heavenly peas
In the meadow we can build a snowman, then pretend that he is sparse and brown
Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay
O come, froggy faithful
You'll tell Carol, "Be a skunk, I require"
Good tidings we bring to you and your kid
You'll go down in Listerine
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SANDRA CLAUS?
Reasons why Santa is really a woman, like Pope Joan…
- Men can't pack a bag.
- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened having to be seen with all those elves.
- Men don't answer their mail.
- Men would refuse to have their paunch described even in jest as a "bowlful of jelly."
- Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
- The "HoHoHo" thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
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HOLIDAY PICK ME UPS…
"Elf Pick-up Lines" from Bill Coombs:
Nice view from down here!
Has anyone ever told you, you have beautiful knees?
You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig.
I'm a magical being. Take off your bra.
That's quite a set of ornaments you've got there.
We don't see many "happenin' ladies" north of the Arctic Circle.
Just because a guy wears tights and pointy slippers doesn't mean he's gay.
I taught Santa everything he knows and I can get you off the naughty list!
Hey babe, I'm free on Christmas Eve and I've got the keys to the sleigh tonight.
Sure I used to be a lawn ornament for Brad Pitt, but now I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys.
I get a thimbleful of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man
You know what they say about guys with big ears -- not everything about me is tiny!
I'm not Elmo, but don't stop tickling.
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Christmas Greetings for the Psychologically Challenged:
1. Schizophrenia -- Do You Hear What I Hear?
2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens Disoriented Are
3. Amnesia -- I Think I Was Home for Christmas
4. Narcissistic -- Hark the Herald Angels Sing (About Me)
5. Manic -- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and...
6. Paranoid -- Santa Claus is Coming' to Get Me
7. Borderline Personality Disorder -- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
8. Full Personality Disorder -- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why
9. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder -- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...
10. Agoraphobia -- I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day (But Wouldn't Leave My House)
11. Senile Dementia -- Walking in a Winter Wonderland (Miles From My House in My Slippers and Robe)
12. Oppositional Defiant Disorder -- I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House
13. Social Anxiety Disorder -- Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas (While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate)