Black Adder moments

Blackadder :Baldrick, I want you to go out and buy a turkey so large you'd think it's mother had been rogered by an omnibus.

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Bob Parkhurst : I want to see how a war is fought, so badly.
Captain Blackadder : Well, you've come to the right place, Bob. A war hasn't been fought this badly since Olaf the Hairy, high chief of all the vikings, accidentally ordered 80,000 battle helmets with the horns on the inside.

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[Flasheart, a pilot, about planes]
Lord Flasheart : Always treat your kite like you treat your woman: get inside her 5 times a day and take her to heaven and back.
Captain Blackadder : I can see why the suffragette movement are wanting the vote.
Lord Flasheart : Hey, hey! Any girl who wants to chain herself to my railings and suffer a jet movement gets my vote!

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Captain Blackadder : Flasheart, this is Captain Darling.
Lord Flasheart : Captain Darling? Funny name for a guy isn't it? Last person I called darling was pregnant twenty seconds later.

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[after Baldrick's Charlie Chaplin impersonation]
Captain Blackadder :Yes... take down a telegram, Bob. To Mr. Charlie Chaplin, Sennet Studios, Hollywood, California. Congrats stop. Have found only person in world less funny than you stop. Name Baldrick stop. Signed E. Blackadder stop. Oh, and put a P.S.: please, please, please stop.

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Lord Flasheart : Mind if I use your phone? If word gets out I'm missing, five hundred girls will kill themselves. Hello? Cancel the state funeral, tell the king to stop blubbing, Flash is not dead! I simply ran out of juice! And before five hundred girls all go 'oh, what's the point in living any more?' I'm talking about petrol! Send someone along to pick me up. General Melchett's driver will do, she hangs round with a big nob so she'll be used to a fellow like me.
Captain Blackadder : Look, do you think you could make your obscene phone call somewhere else?
Lord Flasheart : No, not in half an hour you rubber desk-johnny! Send the bitch with the wheels right now or I'll fly back home and give your wife something to hang her towels on!
[hangs up]

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[Blackadder is about to be shot]
Corporal Perkins : Well, Captain, I've got to admire your balls.
Captain Blackadder : Perhaps later.

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Captain Blackadder : [to Bob Parkhurst] Your disguise is about as convincing as a giraffe wearing dark sunglasses trying to get into a polar bear's only golf club.

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King Richard IV : As the good Lord said, "Love thy neighbour as thyself, unless he's Turkish, in which case, kill the bastard!"

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Prince George : Someone said I had the wit and intellect of a donkey.
Blackadder : Oh, an absurd suggestion sir, unless it was a particularly stupid donkey.

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[Referring to a suicide pill they have both been given, after being captured by French revolutionaries]
Baldrick : I'm glad to say you won't be needing that pill, Mr. B.
Blackadder : Am I jumping the gun, Baldrick, or are the words "I have a cunning plan" marching with ill-deserved confidence in the direction of this conversation?
Baldrick : They certainly are.
Blackadder : Well, forgive me if I don't do a cartwheel of joy; your record in this department is hardly 100%. So what is it?
Baldrick : We do nothing...
Blackadder : Yup, it's another world-beater.
Baldrick : No, wait. We do nothing... until our heads have actually been cut off.
Blackadder : And then we... spring into action?

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Prince George : [wakes up agitated] Oh, Blackadder. Blackadder!
Blackadder : You called sir?
Prince George : Wha- wha- what time is it?
Blackadder : Three o'clock in the afternoon, your highness.
Prince George : Oh, thank God for that, I thought I'd overslept.

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[referring to Dr. Johnson's dictionary]
Blackadder : Right, Baldrick. Where's the manuscript?
Baldrick : You mean the big papery thing tied up with string?
Blackadder : Yes, Baldrick. The manuscript belonging to Dr. Johnson.
Baldrick : You mean the baity fellow in the black coat who just left?
Blackadder : Yes, Baldrick. Dr. Johnson.
Baldrick : So, you're asking where the big papery thing tied up with string belonging to the baity fellow in the black coat who just left is?
Blackadder : Yes, Baldrick. I am. And if you don't answer, then the booted bony thing with five toes at the end of my leg will soon connect sharply with soft, dangly collection of objects in your trousers. Now for the last time, Baldrick, where is Dr. Johnson's manuscript?
Baldrick : On the fire.
Blackadder : On the *what*?
Baldrick : The hot, orangy thing under the stony mantelpiece.

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Baldrick : Sounds like a bag of grapefruits to me, Mr B.
Blackadder : The phrase, Baldrick, is "a case of sour grapes" - and yes it bloody well is.

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Blackadder: They have one great redeeming feature: their wallets. More capacious than an elephant's scrotum and just as difficult to get your hands on